Digging At a Closed Wound
I saw a friend from high school today. The first thing is, I really don't have many friends from high school. As in, I don't talk to anyone from high school, period. High school for me was a gangrenous wound that took a long, long time to heal - that's how bad I hated it, and that hate and fear stagnated in me even longer. There are about a dozen people I legitimately liked that I went to high school with that I would like to see again. A few months ago, I found out that one of those people, who I was really close to, was killed in a car crash years ago. I should have taken her to my senior prom and that is honestly one of my only regrets in my whole life. I had been trying to find her for years. My brother found her obituary. When I graduated, Arielle was the only one I talked to from my high school which was fine by both of us when she was alive the last time I saw her in 1997. Never talking to anyone from high school became in a lot of ways, a blessing.
Facebook has a been an interesting experiment, that has brought me into contact with a few things from my past. There was a dude I had art classes with in high school, he wasn't a bad guy, so I sent him an email. He never responded, but added me as a friend. Fuck that. I de-friended him. A few other douchebags popped up when I did a school search. Thankfully, no other douche has friended me, although a girl I knew from kindergarden friended me. I knew shit about her when I was in kindergarden and less now. I haven't dropped her though and I don't know why. I vaguely remember running into her with another person I knew from kindergarden. She was remarkably short, but otherwise nice. We were in some club down the shore and it was remarkably awkward. Entertaining. I dunno.
I had a friend my sophomore year of high school who was one of the few girls in high school that was nice to me. I never forgot her for that. She found me on Facebook and suggested we hang out in Red Bank, or home. Red Bank has ceased to be home for years now and honestly when I go there, I feel like I am visiting a grave, for in a large way, it is the grave of my past which I have grieved, buried and moved on from. It's why I am much more happier up here in the Great Urban North of Traffic. The last time I saw Liz was in 1999, when I was in my second year of grad school. I was on the verge of shutting down from exhaustion when I saw her on the train from Middletown to the city, I was knee deep in my second year thesis, not taking care of myself, depressed, pushing myself way too hard, and about to pay for it. I would literally spend a month at home, recovering, I thought I had mono for awhile, and so did my doctor, but it turned out that I was just physically and mentally toast. I hadn't seen her in seven years at that point, and I didn't see her again till today.
Liz was one of those bright, bouncy souls that lights your day up with her smile. A shiny happy person. I was honestly surprised that when I saw her on the train, that she still wanted to be my friend. She and I met for lunch today and it was very cool. We spent the day together, which I did not plan, but it just kind of happened. That's Liz, she's very much, go with the flow. I am so not that way, but I had a good time anyways. She said some interesting things to me - "when I saw you last on the train, you weren't happy which made me sad" and "I always wanted to be your friend, but I respected the fact that you wanted to close the door on high school". I couldn't tell her then how much I had a crush on her, but I hated myself back then, hated everything, and that how college was a refuge from the crap I endured. I didn't want to. Even today, when I did tell her some stuff, telling her that I did have a crush on her, it was hard. I didn't think it would be after all this time, but it was..because it was the person I have worked so hard to get past. In high school I used to stutter at times because I would get so nervous. I was clumsy, awkward, shy and I would drop things all the time. I started to view myself this way, for a long time afterwards. I think when I do think about high school, it makes me angry because I accepted this role and never chose to fight against it. As an adult, as a teacher, it seems so incredibly stupid. I wasted a lot of time over stupid shit. Part of me, was very ashamed about that and not talking to anyone from high school was good, because it meant I had a clean slate. All of the people that are the closest to me, are from college. I don't think that's coincidence.
So, tonight, all of these years later, Liz asked me if we can be friends. She's married and has a beautiful little girl, and she still wants to be my friend. She told me "I adored you in high school and I always thought you were cool". I think a large part of me didn't beleive her, because she was so nice. I didn't like myself, so how could anyone else? I was such a moron. I told her, "Of course". I meant it.
Sometimes, that thing don't stay dead and buried. Which means you got to dig it up and deal. And there are worse things, honestly.
I thought when I was driving home, well, now I can at least be friends with her as the person I wanted to be - not who I was. And that makes me happy.
Facebook has a been an interesting experiment, that has brought me into contact with a few things from my past. There was a dude I had art classes with in high school, he wasn't a bad guy, so I sent him an email. He never responded, but added me as a friend. Fuck that. I de-friended him. A few other douchebags popped up when I did a school search. Thankfully, no other douche has friended me, although a girl I knew from kindergarden friended me. I knew shit about her when I was in kindergarden and less now. I haven't dropped her though and I don't know why. I vaguely remember running into her with another person I knew from kindergarden. She was remarkably short, but otherwise nice. We were in some club down the shore and it was remarkably awkward. Entertaining. I dunno.
I had a friend my sophomore year of high school who was one of the few girls in high school that was nice to me. I never forgot her for that. She found me on Facebook and suggested we hang out in Red Bank, or home. Red Bank has ceased to be home for years now and honestly when I go there, I feel like I am visiting a grave, for in a large way, it is the grave of my past which I have grieved, buried and moved on from. It's why I am much more happier up here in the Great Urban North of Traffic. The last time I saw Liz was in 1999, when I was in my second year of grad school. I was on the verge of shutting down from exhaustion when I saw her on the train from Middletown to the city, I was knee deep in my second year thesis, not taking care of myself, depressed, pushing myself way too hard, and about to pay for it. I would literally spend a month at home, recovering, I thought I had mono for awhile, and so did my doctor, but it turned out that I was just physically and mentally toast. I hadn't seen her in seven years at that point, and I didn't see her again till today.
Liz was one of those bright, bouncy souls that lights your day up with her smile. A shiny happy person. I was honestly surprised that when I saw her on the train, that she still wanted to be my friend. She and I met for lunch today and it was very cool. We spent the day together, which I did not plan, but it just kind of happened. That's Liz, she's very much, go with the flow. I am so not that way, but I had a good time anyways. She said some interesting things to me - "when I saw you last on the train, you weren't happy which made me sad" and "I always wanted to be your friend, but I respected the fact that you wanted to close the door on high school". I couldn't tell her then how much I had a crush on her, but I hated myself back then, hated everything, and that how college was a refuge from the crap I endured. I didn't want to. Even today, when I did tell her some stuff, telling her that I did have a crush on her, it was hard. I didn't think it would be after all this time, but it was..because it was the person I have worked so hard to get past. In high school I used to stutter at times because I would get so nervous. I was clumsy, awkward, shy and I would drop things all the time. I started to view myself this way, for a long time afterwards. I think when I do think about high school, it makes me angry because I accepted this role and never chose to fight against it. As an adult, as a teacher, it seems so incredibly stupid. I wasted a lot of time over stupid shit. Part of me, was very ashamed about that and not talking to anyone from high school was good, because it meant I had a clean slate. All of the people that are the closest to me, are from college. I don't think that's coincidence.
So, tonight, all of these years later, Liz asked me if we can be friends. She's married and has a beautiful little girl, and she still wants to be my friend. She told me "I adored you in high school and I always thought you were cool". I think a large part of me didn't beleive her, because she was so nice. I didn't like myself, so how could anyone else? I was such a moron. I told her, "Of course". I meant it.
Sometimes, that thing don't stay dead and buried. Which means you got to dig it up and deal. And there are worse things, honestly.
I thought when I was driving home, well, now I can at least be friends with her as the person I wanted to be - not who I was. And that makes me happy.