December Rantings
I just had a thoroughly dissapointing lunch in the school cafeteria. Most days, this happens, but today it's bad because I had to sub a music theory class immediately after lunch (usually I have that block free) and I cannot brace for the inevitable revenge of my colon. Yes, it's been awhile since I journaled, so I begin where it always begins....my bowels. Your colon doesn't appreciate Taylor Ham that is really neither ham nor Taylor made. Grade K horse, perhaps.
Yesterday I watched the Giants win another improbable victory - this one was only a little better than last week's pull it out of your ass save against the Bears. The Giants are playing awfully, nowhere near their potential. I am happy that I am close to winning my pre-season prediction that the Giants will win 10 games, but I am not so happy at how they have obtained three quarters of those victotories. Especially after watching the Eagles play their hearts out and almost beat the Patriots two weeks ago. As much as I fucking loathe the Eagles with all of my heart and soul, it was easily one of the best NFL games I have watched this year. The Green Bay Packers continue to amaze me, Brett Fav-Re is god and continues to play exceptional football. God, the NFL needs more Brett Fav-Re's. I want them to go to the superbowl, because they have been playing their asses off.
It's about that time of year, Yaksmas time, when the Great Northern Yak descends upon North America and bestows his kindness to all who have exhibited goodness. The Great Northern Yak is sad this year, as the holliday season has already been mind-numbingly barraged with commericialism, materialism and genuine greed. The Yak is despondent as he notices that humankind continues to head southward into the shitter. I have nothing but admiration for the Yak, but I am not remotely in the holiday spirit. Don't feel like shopping, don't feel like going through the annual niceties only to watch society ignore them a week later. I have have to get some shopping done, which also annoys me.
Work has been tolerable, if not for my boss making snide digs at me weekly. Last Friday it complained "it's a good thing I came back in here Friday night, I asked you to turn the Xmas lights out....there they were blazing away. What if someone said something"? What, like, nice lights? Sorry. There was a bunch of kids in the studio on Friday that I was trying to remove so I could go home, I forgot. The beast has also reprimanded me for not monitoring my sophomores and their usuage of pink erasers, paper towels and turning lights off. I have taken to responding to these innane digs by blankly looking up and saying in my best Spiccoli "OHHHHH, saaaary. I fergot. No prob, I'm on it". I am past killing them with kindness, as kindness it something I am not capable of remotely dispensing anymore. So, I dispense stupid indifference. The beast wants me to lose it and snap, I refuse. Sure, it gives me the red ass like you wouldn't beleive....but I am not going to let it win. Not when I have only 6 months left. There are a lof of things that annoy me about the job lately, but I also have a huge growing fear...what if where I am at is 10 times better to where I ever I go next? What if I go somewhere else an completely suck?
I have begun the process of my escape. I already have a lead at a boarding school in southern jersey. I honestly am not sure if I want to do that, but i figure I need to practice interviewing and getting back on that hose. I am nervous. There is a lot I still need to do before May - Save money, finish compling lesson plans, accrue a new portfolio, set up my website which I am so frustrated with that I have ignored it for the past 3 months.
My therapist said to me the other day that I like being miserable and that a part of me lives to sabotage myself. Yeah - that's pretty accurate. I inherently beleive that things are good for only so long, then they go to shit. Most things in my upbringing have anchored this philosophy.......and even years in therapy pointing out the negative aspects of this life approach - it is really hard to change. She's right, there is a fundamental futility that I embrace. I embrace the idea of failure because I do not trust happiness or success despite all of the things in life that point to this being a ridiculous course of action.
I have always been slightly ridiculous, though.