(no subject)
So I have so many job applications in there’s no point in doing anymore. There’s no homework to be done, I’ve applied to school. So now starts the week where I really have nothing to do. I’m assuming that Kohl’s will be calling me about working soon, though. So I’ll probably start that wonderful adventure. But still. What. Do. I. Do. I kind of like being bored, in a way. Except the weeks take any longer and my friends are far away. Physically and theoretically. The more times I see them and around them the farther away I feel from them. If they only knew. I’m somehow off the freeway and into the ditch, or at least on the shoulder right now, blinker on, waiting to join the 60mph traffic. They are all miles ahead of me, not looking back, gone.
I think right about now is when something really good is supposed to happen, something long-term good. But all I have is a good day, a good hour here or there. And don’t get me wrong, one good moment is good, one good moment is great. But at the end of the day I’m in the exact same place with the same problem. How to live with myself and how to get my heart to back where it was. But I know it’ll never go back. And things will never be the same again. And I’ve become a stranger to myself and a stranger to my friends. But honestly, the most important part is getting back to knowing myself again. After that…I can deal. Friends can come and go. Even the oldest of friends. Because all of the middle school changes, high-school changes, are nothing compared to the things that happen to you in the real world. None of those are a slap-in-the-face broken dream. None of those change you soul, your total being and nature quite like this. I won't be the same. Somehow, that's okay, it's a part of life, but it's hard. And it's hell.
I think right about now is when something really good is supposed to happen, something long-term good. But all I have is a good day, a good hour here or there. And don’t get me wrong, one good moment is good, one good moment is great. But at the end of the day I’m in the exact same place with the same problem. How to live with myself and how to get my heart to back where it was. But I know it’ll never go back. And things will never be the same again. And I’ve become a stranger to myself and a stranger to my friends. But honestly, the most important part is getting back to knowing myself again. After that…I can deal. Friends can come and go. Even the oldest of friends. Because all of the middle school changes, high-school changes, are nothing compared to the things that happen to you in the real world. None of those are a slap-in-the-face broken dream. None of those change you soul, your total being and nature quite like this. I won't be the same. Somehow, that's okay, it's a part of life, but it's hard. And it's hell.