not too hot
So I keep realizing how much I must hate happiness. I like being happy, I love making others happy, and my fav. is when everyone's happy. BUT I still keep managing to destroy my own and leave myself angry and confused and sad. Eventually it spreads at least a small bit, to select others.
I find myself angry a lot lately. Just angry. There's not always a good reason why. My pet peeves are really comming into play, though, too. So that's an adventure and a half. Huzzah for being annoyed at the world. I also find myself jealous, leading to anger. Maybe of friends, maybe of Brett, even myself. How the hell do I manage to be jealous of myself? I'm jealous of complete freedom, yet I don't want to lose what I have right now. I really, really don't.
I'm starting to observe myself more lately. I notice things that I don't like, and I realize I probably can't change them. I also noticed how much I've changed since the start of high school. That was a good me. I didn't really have to change that. Is there ever a chance to go back to that? btw everyone, I'm not sure you guys know me as well as I'd like you to, or even would let you. I'm not happy with myself right now. I'm not happy about my build, but I still don't want to lose my figure. I'm happy with being skinny, but I really want to keep that while having more muscle. The biggest problem about that all is motivation. I get highly motivated for like, 5 seconds. Then I'm back on my ass, chatting away on the computer.
Some people have me really angry with me and them. One friend dropped me for no reason, or without really giving me one. Really, no matter how hard I try, I can't keep them off my mind. I pass their area too often to not be frustrated by the time I am where I'm going. The worst part is, I can't stand to think about them, but I still can't stand hating them. Then I still have the confusion master, an all-present being. Fuck my head dude.
The person I'm most angry with: me. My confidence level right now: all time low. I'm not nearly as confident as you may think I am. I put up an image of confidence, out-goingness, completely and utterly happy. In reality, I fuck up. I know I'll fuck up eventually. But with the image cushion, it helps whether the blow. I can throw that up and be nice and cozy inside my box of "You don't know all of me". For the most part, though, I am a happy person. I like to laugh, I like to have others laughing. That's all most people know, though.
To top all this off, I'm beginning to think Kit's unhappy with me. Judging by the bulletin she just posted, I can only assume she's not in the highest of moods herself.
Btw, Brett makes me very, very angry. And I'm too passive.
I think I'm having a people overload too. I really just need to lock myself away for a week. Get my head straight and work on some good habits. I need to start my bank account on it's rise back to glory. If I don't go anywhere, I won't be spending money. I need that right now.
It all just needs to stop right now. Now.
I find myself angry a lot lately. Just angry. There's not always a good reason why. My pet peeves are really comming into play, though, too. So that's an adventure and a half. Huzzah for being annoyed at the world. I also find myself jealous, leading to anger. Maybe of friends, maybe of Brett, even myself. How the hell do I manage to be jealous of myself? I'm jealous of complete freedom, yet I don't want to lose what I have right now. I really, really don't.
I'm starting to observe myself more lately. I notice things that I don't like, and I realize I probably can't change them. I also noticed how much I've changed since the start of high school. That was a good me. I didn't really have to change that. Is there ever a chance to go back to that? btw everyone, I'm not sure you guys know me as well as I'd like you to, or even would let you. I'm not happy with myself right now. I'm not happy about my build, but I still don't want to lose my figure. I'm happy with being skinny, but I really want to keep that while having more muscle. The biggest problem about that all is motivation. I get highly motivated for like, 5 seconds. Then I'm back on my ass, chatting away on the computer.
Some people have me really angry with me and them. One friend dropped me for no reason, or without really giving me one. Really, no matter how hard I try, I can't keep them off my mind. I pass their area too often to not be frustrated by the time I am where I'm going. The worst part is, I can't stand to think about them, but I still can't stand hating them. Then I still have the confusion master, an all-present being. Fuck my head dude.
The person I'm most angry with: me. My confidence level right now: all time low. I'm not nearly as confident as you may think I am. I put up an image of confidence, out-goingness, completely and utterly happy. In reality, I fuck up. I know I'll fuck up eventually. But with the image cushion, it helps whether the blow. I can throw that up and be nice and cozy inside my box of "You don't know all of me". For the most part, though, I am a happy person. I like to laugh, I like to have others laughing. That's all most people know, though.
To top all this off, I'm beginning to think Kit's unhappy with me. Judging by the bulletin she just posted, I can only assume she's not in the highest of moods herself.
Btw, Brett makes me very, very angry. And I'm too passive.
I think I'm having a people overload too. I really just need to lock myself away for a week. Get my head straight and work on some good habits. I need to start my bank account on it's rise back to glory. If I don't go anywhere, I won't be spending money. I need that right now.
It all just needs to stop right now. Now.