To Strive, To Seek, To Find
It just sucks when life catches up to you. Especially when you were just barely sneaking through the cracks to keep ahead of it. Maybe I rushed into all my decisions. Certainly, had I put more time into evaluating what I wanted to do with my life, this court case would not have happened. But I was so reluctant to give up on the acting and singing that it just never occurred to me that doing something I hated could result in something like this. I guess I am the exception to the rule. We don't always like the things we are good at.
And maybe if I hadn't jumped the gun on moving out and then moving in with my boyfriend. Not that Lucas isn't great. He is, and he is probably the only thing that pulls me through this daily hell I have created for myself. I really don't talk to many people in New York, which is great because it means I don't have much of a sacrifice to make as far as taking on multiple jobs and struggling through school.
And I do mean struggling. I feel overwhelmed almost all the time, except at work. Work give me structure. I need that right now. I wish I was getting more than ten hours a week. Ideally, I would like a job that would give me thirty plus hours all the time. I like to feel secure, I like contributing towards this life I am trying so hard to create.
I never meant to burn bridges with my da. He just lied to me so many times about so many things and he completely screwed my mom over by dragging out court. He didn't want to pay for my college. He could have just said so. Then maybe my options would have been more limited and no one would be in this position. He didn't have to lie to me either. I think if he had been upfront with me, then I could still carry some shred of respect for him. But he betrayed my trust, completely. He made me believe he was going to cooperate with my mother, and take care of me. I thought he may be the good guy in all of this. Sadly, I learned there is no good guy. My mom at least had the best intentions for me. My da treated me like I wasn't even his daughter. Like I am just some obligation he can skimp out on. How should I feel about that?
I know that not every person's parent pays for their tuition, but my da said in his divorce agreement he would. He owes that to my mom at least. He owes it to me, as his daughter, to not let me get kicked out of my apartment. He owes it to me to hear out my anger and respond with something that doesn't make me feel this lost and confused.
Gods, I hate all this. I am so unhappy. I am stressed out. I very well could lose my apartment. I could lose Lucas. If we can't afford to stay here, what then? Fuck man. I could lose so much. So much is on the line.
I guess I have no right to ask for pity, or sympathy. I just need support. Someone to say, hey man, you fucked up, but I am standing by. Someone who isn't Lucas, because really, I resent myself for bringing him here and letting him down. I resent a lot. My father, my current situation, I can't actually afford to begin resenting myself, which is nice because it means that I am battling my superficial issues with a resolve I didn't really know I had in me. They leak out, of course. It's a nineteen year problem I am facing, but usually I have things managed.
Another problem I have is this, "wishing my life away" thing that I do. I am just hanging on until Spring break, then summer break. I have these benchmarked moments that I go half crazy for. Except, instead of holding out hope for the break, it's for the opportunity to work my ass off for some cash.
It's a lot of self discovery I could be doing throughout all of this, except I am not that kind of person. I could sit there discovering the limits of of strength, seeing how tenuous I can make my spirit before I break down entirely (although not certain this entry signifies anything but a breaking point soon). But maybe now isn't the time to congratulate myself on my hard earned qualities. I don't really care if I unearth something fantastic about myself because personal qualities are really not what is going to get me through this. And maybe the time for reflection will come at the end, but I probably won't really give a shit then either, because I'll be happy.
Maybe that means that I am not completely convinced this period of hardship won't have an end.
Maybe I am wrong...
and never to yield.
And maybe if I hadn't jumped the gun on moving out and then moving in with my boyfriend. Not that Lucas isn't great. He is, and he is probably the only thing that pulls me through this daily hell I have created for myself. I really don't talk to many people in New York, which is great because it means I don't have much of a sacrifice to make as far as taking on multiple jobs and struggling through school.
And I do mean struggling. I feel overwhelmed almost all the time, except at work. Work give me structure. I need that right now. I wish I was getting more than ten hours a week. Ideally, I would like a job that would give me thirty plus hours all the time. I like to feel secure, I like contributing towards this life I am trying so hard to create.
I never meant to burn bridges with my da. He just lied to me so many times about so many things and he completely screwed my mom over by dragging out court. He didn't want to pay for my college. He could have just said so. Then maybe my options would have been more limited and no one would be in this position. He didn't have to lie to me either. I think if he had been upfront with me, then I could still carry some shred of respect for him. But he betrayed my trust, completely. He made me believe he was going to cooperate with my mother, and take care of me. I thought he may be the good guy in all of this. Sadly, I learned there is no good guy. My mom at least had the best intentions for me. My da treated me like I wasn't even his daughter. Like I am just some obligation he can skimp out on. How should I feel about that?
I know that not every person's parent pays for their tuition, but my da said in his divorce agreement he would. He owes that to my mom at least. He owes it to me, as his daughter, to not let me get kicked out of my apartment. He owes it to me to hear out my anger and respond with something that doesn't make me feel this lost and confused.
Gods, I hate all this. I am so unhappy. I am stressed out. I very well could lose my apartment. I could lose Lucas. If we can't afford to stay here, what then? Fuck man. I could lose so much. So much is on the line.
I guess I have no right to ask for pity, or sympathy. I just need support. Someone to say, hey man, you fucked up, but I am standing by. Someone who isn't Lucas, because really, I resent myself for bringing him here and letting him down. I resent a lot. My father, my current situation, I can't actually afford to begin resenting myself, which is nice because it means that I am battling my superficial issues with a resolve I didn't really know I had in me. They leak out, of course. It's a nineteen year problem I am facing, but usually I have things managed.
Another problem I have is this, "wishing my life away" thing that I do. I am just hanging on until Spring break, then summer break. I have these benchmarked moments that I go half crazy for. Except, instead of holding out hope for the break, it's for the opportunity to work my ass off for some cash.
It's a lot of self discovery I could be doing throughout all of this, except I am not that kind of person. I could sit there discovering the limits of of strength, seeing how tenuous I can make my spirit before I break down entirely (although not certain this entry signifies anything but a breaking point soon). But maybe now isn't the time to congratulate myself on my hard earned qualities. I don't really care if I unearth something fantastic about myself because personal qualities are really not what is going to get me through this. And maybe the time for reflection will come at the end, but I probably won't really give a shit then either, because I'll be happy.
Maybe that means that I am not completely convinced this period of hardship won't have an end.
Maybe I am wrong...
and never to yield.