Get Out the Wrecking Ball
Personal behavioral patterns that played out following David's death are reemerging in the wake of my Mom's demise. As my protracted absences from LJ bears witness, writing gives me no solace; it is, in fact, a hated chore -- composing a simple e-mail is excruciating, and is usually avoided. Perhaps writing takes me too close to the place I'm attempting to avoid. Pulling together the few preceding words has taken me the better part of an hour. Small, petty trifles can cause hyperbolic anger to rise up within the deep of my throat, white-hot and fluent. Fortunately (perhaps) I know this reaction is related not at bit to what seems to have provoked it, but more to my unresolved issues with abandonment, and I therefore have learned to control it. I am lethargic and feel like I want to sleep all day, although I am unable to do so. When I actually do something, it is on impulse, with little thought behind it. Ergo the cruise I will embark upon in two weeks. I am not at all excited about it -- I'm actually dreading portions of it (i.e. the hassle of the airport and transfers, packing and unpacking, etc.). All of this is part of that feeling of being "broken," of being permanently damaged, and waiting for my life to reform itself around the gaping hole that is left. Waiting for the sore to stop festering. Waiting to heal.
Aside from all that garbage, not a lot to report. March is certainly coming in like a lamb -- it is funny that weather fronts we would describe in the autumn, following the steamy humidity of summer, as "crisp" or "brisk," we describe as "balmy" after the sub-zero temperatures of winter. A news article imparted the alarming intelligence that the prolonged period of deep freezing weather we experienced this year, combined with a relatively small amount of snow, might have permanently damaged flowering shrubs such as lilacs and forsythias. Only time will tell.
Homeless Frank is just a little over a month away from no longer being homeless. On April 12 he will have passed his probation period at work and will become a fully fledged employee, at which time he will be eligible for low-income housing. We tried to figure out a way that he could stay here in the interim, but until he gets his license renewed he would be dependent on me to transport him to and from work, and he considerately doesn't want me to get up every morning at 4:30 to do so. He is quite naturally looking forward to being on his own. When he does get his own place, it won't be empty -- we have lots of unused furniture to give him, in addition to dishes, cookware, linens, etc.
I watched Seabiscuit the other day. Perhaps it's because of my mood, but I thought it was overly long and not very inspiring, certainly not good enough to be nominated for Best Picture. I'm such a crab.
Aside from all that garbage, not a lot to report. March is certainly coming in like a lamb -- it is funny that weather fronts we would describe in the autumn, following the steamy humidity of summer, as "crisp" or "brisk," we describe as "balmy" after the sub-zero temperatures of winter. A news article imparted the alarming intelligence that the prolonged period of deep freezing weather we experienced this year, combined with a relatively small amount of snow, might have permanently damaged flowering shrubs such as lilacs and forsythias. Only time will tell.
Homeless Frank is just a little over a month away from no longer being homeless. On April 12 he will have passed his probation period at work and will become a fully fledged employee, at which time he will be eligible for low-income housing. We tried to figure out a way that he could stay here in the interim, but until he gets his license renewed he would be dependent on me to transport him to and from work, and he considerately doesn't want me to get up every morning at 4:30 to do so. He is quite naturally looking forward to being on his own. When he does get his own place, it won't be empty -- we have lots of unused furniture to give him, in addition to dishes, cookware, linens, etc.
I watched Seabiscuit the other day. Perhaps it's because of my mood, but I thought it was overly long and not very inspiring, certainly not good enough to be nominated for Best Picture. I'm such a crab.