Too much text.
They keep turning the radio at work either off or down far enough that it can barely be heard. Maybe they switch between the two, because I can be standing in the same spot doing the same activity and suddenly hear music. Then it will fade out again. Whatever. It's odd.
Because the part of my brain I often use to keep myself entertained during the long and boring hours has, lately, been spewing out ideas that worry me, I've been forced to resort to introspection (which is probably something I spend too much time doing, anyway). But I reached a few worrying conclusions tonight!
The following is rather disjointed. It's mostly stream-of-consciousness, but with the random detours into, "SHUT UP, CAT," and, "oooh, wait, have I checked for an update yet today?" and such cut out.
Everything's coming back. I mean, yeah, okay, the depression never really goes away (Mom's trying to help me find someone for that, but it's still not moving very quickly), but a lot of the problems I thought I had under control or had got over and revisiting.
I decided a while back to stop self-censoring. If I felt upset then I would admit to myself that I was upset, instead of denying it. I would try to figure out why and get to the bottom of the problem.
I stopped doing that at some point, and I wonder if that's part of why I've been slipping down so much lately.
My crippling lack of self-esteem is back. My sense of self worth is nonexistent. I know I make comments about myself being lame and useless and bad at everything often. I've always been a bit self-depreciating, but it's gone and become ridiculous again.
A... long while ago, really. Several years. Back when I was friends with someone ("friends," maybe, I don't know). She got into the habit of engaging my mother in conversation while I sat silently... because they were talking about me. About how I wasn't the nicest person in the world. It's true, yes, I pick on my friends and family. I don't mean anything by it, and if I feel I've crossed a line, I'll apologize immediately. This is similar to how I pick on myself, and my habit of mercilessly mocking things I love.
Why couldn't I be how I used to be?
... Now, that person was a wreck. She wasn't in a good place. She didn't ever stand up for herself. When I was that, I was a mess. But, hey! I didn't pick on people.
I'm beginning to wonder if, in yet another of the numerous pathetic last ditch efforts I made to save our friendship, I reopened that.
Last time, it took therapy, me shutting off my emotions as best as I was able (which was actually a pretty thorough cutoff) for a year or two, and eventually going off to Maine for college (because I met people who cared about me, or at least did a passable job of pretending to) before I reached anything resembling stability. I should have known better, but I was desperately clinging for a while. She was the only person I'd been friends with for a while at that point, and, looking back, I have a hard time remembering why it was important to me... She was never a very good friend, was she? But, for whatever reason, it was important.
Last night / this morning while I was playing FFXI with Aniko and I obtained Mercenary status, she told me how I should have just solo'd it. It was, I suppose, soloable to someone with Invisible/Prism Powders and Sneak/Silent Oils (I've bought hundreds of the latter of both necessities) and directions/a map of the area. There are online maps, and online guides to these things. I was supposed to originally obtain Merc status back when the expansion came out in April, 2006. Nabiki (this is still my brother's character) and Aniko and I were going to go together, even though I was a lowly level 30 (or somewhere in the 30s). I can't take any of the stuff at 50. It's not as if the method would be any different. Sneak, Invis, walk.
But I went to classes or something and they went without me.
I, you know, I don't know. I always believe people when they make promises to me, or at least I used to. No one ever keeps their promises to me! That really is not much of an exaggeration. I am never surprised when someone does not keep their word, but it always hurts, because I'm stupid enough to believe that this time they'll wait or whatever.
So it hurts, and, anyway, not too long after that, I had to go back to Jeuno for something, and it's a long walk/boat ride back to the Near East, so I never really went back! There was a brief trip there for Aniko's wedding reception at the hostel, but I was again back in the main lands by the time I logged out. I can entertain myself in the original areas perfectly well.
I'm not saying it was their fault for not waiting for me. I was upset enough to not want to go out and solo it immediately, and then I just never got around to it. I'm too low level to be able to do anything in those areas, anyway.
I mentioned that, and, of course, the solution to that is obvious. Go level, dimwit. Once you reach 75, you'll be on the same playing field as everyone else.
But I don't want to level. I mean, I want to know the stories and all, and I'll get to 75 eventually, but it's not a big rush for me. I don't really mind being lower level. God, if it bothered me that much... I've been playing since North American release. I've been playing since late 2003. You can take a job to 75 in under a month if you're motivated. Stop telling me to fucking level if I wanted to level I WOULD LEVEL.
Also, I'm waiting. I've said this one hundred times. I'm waiting. Nabiki's leveling her subjobs. Once she's finished, we'll start leveling again.
I've leveled. I went from 30 to 40, and from 40 to 50, and I'll go from 50 to 60 at some point! BUT I AM WAITING. I SAID I WOULD WAIT and I KNOW no one else ever keeps their word around here, but we agreed to level together! SO I AM WAITING.
I have things to do in the meantime! I can level Ninja! I hate NIN, but it's a necessary evil! So I work on it. Slowly.
I can level Red Mage, as well. And, unlike Ninja, which I'm soloing because I don't have the money to spend tanking, I have to solo RDM. I'm only taking it to 25. I'm at 21. That's only 4 more levels. That's nothing. I refuse to level White Mage and/or Black Mage to 13 just so I can party on Red Mage. I'm not buying the spells for Red Mage. I've got the Cure spells, I've got Protect and Shell, and I've got Deodorize and Sneak. When I hit 25, I'll have Invisible. Those are the only spells I have!
I'm not a mage!
I'm just so sick of people telling me, "lol so lvl up n00b" as if I couldn't reach that conclusion on my own.
I'm also sick of other people agreeing to level with me and then blasting past because I have to work and go to school. Look, some people don't need to or can't do both. More power to you. But I have classes, a ridiculous amount of homework, and work, and those take priority. If you can't wait a day for me - even when you're leveling a job you don't like - then, yes, it sure as hell sucks for me, but no one's holding a gun to your head and making you get a party.
When Nabiki's ready, maybe we will just to to 75. That'll be fine! I don't mind playing with friends. I don't like to go do those "big things" by myself. I'm sorry no one seems to be able to understand that.
So make in-game friends! I don't know how to meet people. I cannot meet people. That I no longer have any in-state friends should indicate that. I can't socialize. It doesn't really bother me, though sometimes I think it should.
Anyway, what's at 75? There's nothing to do once you get there. Except level another job. I don't want to level another job. I like Thief. And I don't have the time to devote to an Endgame Linkshell (nor do I want the drama associated with one).
Plus, this is the person who wept uncontrollably for days after obtaining Rank 10. I don't even want to know what idiot reaction I'll come up with for hitting 75.
... This is really a sore spot for me, isn't it? Sorry. Geez. I love FFXI, but I love it as a game.
So I guess I need to put myself back on track. This is going to be hard, but if it shuts up that little voice telling me that I'm worthless, and I annoy everyone, and I'm a general and all-around failure doomed to fail and be miserable and EVERYTHING ELSE, then it will be worth it.
(Seriously, I have found myself opening a reply window and writing a reply and then CLOSING THE WINDOW because I don't want to annoy people by leaving comments on their journal? I have been doing this a lot. I am really, really pathetic these days.)
Also, rest of humanity: telling me to just not listen to it? DOESN'T HELP. It doesn't work like that. If I could reset my brain to function like that of a normal, healthy human being? I would. God, believe me, I would. But it's not that easy. Don't you think that if I could just ignore that voice that I would? Telling me I should just ignore it hurts, because I can't, and that makes me feel even more worthless.
I realize that's probably not what you mean to do when you tell me these things, but that's what it does.
"Great! If I were a normal, non-idiot person who could handle themselves and reality, then I could just dismiss that little thought-nag! TOO BAD I'M NOT, HAHA, GOD, I SUCK."
It's self-perpetuating enough as it is. Please don't help it.
... In a similar vein, telling me, "Well, then, geez, just put yourself into therapy!" doesn't help, either. I can't bring myself to pick up the telephone, because the nag is always telling me, you know, normal people just deal with this shit. Buck up and deal with it like a normal person.
THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME. PLEASE STOP EXPECTING ME TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION AS NORMALLY AS THE REST OF YOU, BECAUSE I REALLY, REALLY CANNOT SOMETIMES, OKAY? THERE IS NO MAGICAL "FIX IT" BUTTON.
Ugh, whatever. All this is both giving me a headache and upsetting me even more. Me and my rational part are going over there and ignoring the emo-thing in the corner now. Though maybe we'll give it some markers first. Then it can entertain itself instead of sending out annoying thoughts.
My mother is off to visit my brother right now. She's not been gone for a day, but the animals are determined to be as annoying as possible in her absence. I am ready to put the cat through the window. I love her dearly, but even I can only take her following me around and meowing incessantly for so long. She doesn't want to play, she doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want food or water, her litter box is clean, there isn't another cat on the porch...
He asked me to pack up his PS2 so she could bring it to him, along with God of War II, since that's the only game he owns that he hasn't played through yet. I sent him my FFXII and Jak and Daxter, as well, even though I haven't played through FFXII yet. It is too much like FFXI and it drives me up the wall. I will beat it someday. I just do not know when.
Because the part of my brain I often use to keep myself entertained during the long and boring hours has, lately, been spewing out ideas that worry me, I've been forced to resort to introspection (which is probably something I spend too much time doing, anyway). But I reached a few worrying conclusions tonight!
The following is rather disjointed. It's mostly stream-of-consciousness, but with the random detours into, "SHUT UP, CAT," and, "oooh, wait, have I checked for an update yet today?" and such cut out.
Everything's coming back. I mean, yeah, okay, the depression never really goes away (Mom's trying to help me find someone for that, but it's still not moving very quickly), but a lot of the problems I thought I had under control or had got over and revisiting.
I decided a while back to stop self-censoring. If I felt upset then I would admit to myself that I was upset, instead of denying it. I would try to figure out why and get to the bottom of the problem.
I stopped doing that at some point, and I wonder if that's part of why I've been slipping down so much lately.
My crippling lack of self-esteem is back. My sense of self worth is nonexistent. I know I make comments about myself being lame and useless and bad at everything often. I've always been a bit self-depreciating, but it's gone and become ridiculous again.
A... long while ago, really. Several years. Back when I was friends with someone ("friends," maybe, I don't know). She got into the habit of engaging my mother in conversation while I sat silently... because they were talking about me. About how I wasn't the nicest person in the world. It's true, yes, I pick on my friends and family. I don't mean anything by it, and if I feel I've crossed a line, I'll apologize immediately. This is similar to how I pick on myself, and my habit of mercilessly mocking things I love.
Why couldn't I be how I used to be?
... Now, that person was a wreck. She wasn't in a good place. She didn't ever stand up for herself. When I was that, I was a mess. But, hey! I didn't pick on people.
I'm beginning to wonder if, in yet another of the numerous pathetic last ditch efforts I made to save our friendship, I reopened that.
Last time, it took therapy, me shutting off my emotions as best as I was able (which was actually a pretty thorough cutoff) for a year or two, and eventually going off to Maine for college (because I met people who cared about me, or at least did a passable job of pretending to) before I reached anything resembling stability. I should have known better, but I was desperately clinging for a while. She was the only person I'd been friends with for a while at that point, and, looking back, I have a hard time remembering why it was important to me... She was never a very good friend, was she? But, for whatever reason, it was important.
Last night / this morning while I was playing FFXI with Aniko and I obtained Mercenary status, she told me how I should have just solo'd it. It was, I suppose, soloable to someone with Invisible/Prism Powders and Sneak/Silent Oils (I've bought hundreds of the latter of both necessities) and directions/a map of the area. There are online maps, and online guides to these things. I was supposed to originally obtain Merc status back when the expansion came out in April, 2006. Nabiki (this is still my brother's character) and Aniko and I were going to go together, even though I was a lowly level 30 (or somewhere in the 30s). I can't take any of the stuff at 50. It's not as if the method would be any different. Sneak, Invis, walk.
But I went to classes or something and they went without me.
I, you know, I don't know. I always believe people when they make promises to me, or at least I used to. No one ever keeps their promises to me! That really is not much of an exaggeration. I am never surprised when someone does not keep their word, but it always hurts, because I'm stupid enough to believe that this time they'll wait or whatever.
So it hurts, and, anyway, not too long after that, I had to go back to Jeuno for something, and it's a long walk/boat ride back to the Near East, so I never really went back! There was a brief trip there for Aniko's wedding reception at the hostel, but I was again back in the main lands by the time I logged out. I can entertain myself in the original areas perfectly well.
I'm not saying it was their fault for not waiting for me. I was upset enough to not want to go out and solo it immediately, and then I just never got around to it. I'm too low level to be able to do anything in those areas, anyway.
I mentioned that, and, of course, the solution to that is obvious. Go level, dimwit. Once you reach 75, you'll be on the same playing field as everyone else.
But I don't want to level. I mean, I want to know the stories and all, and I'll get to 75 eventually, but it's not a big rush for me. I don't really mind being lower level. God, if it bothered me that much... I've been playing since North American release. I've been playing since late 2003. You can take a job to 75 in under a month if you're motivated. Stop telling me to fucking level if I wanted to level I WOULD LEVEL.
Also, I'm waiting. I've said this one hundred times. I'm waiting. Nabiki's leveling her subjobs. Once she's finished, we'll start leveling again.
I've leveled. I went from 30 to 40, and from 40 to 50, and I'll go from 50 to 60 at some point! BUT I AM WAITING. I SAID I WOULD WAIT and I KNOW no one else ever keeps their word around here, but we agreed to level together! SO I AM WAITING.
I have things to do in the meantime! I can level Ninja! I hate NIN, but it's a necessary evil! So I work on it. Slowly.
I can level Red Mage, as well. And, unlike Ninja, which I'm soloing because I don't have the money to spend tanking, I have to solo RDM. I'm only taking it to 25. I'm at 21. That's only 4 more levels. That's nothing. I refuse to level White Mage and/or Black Mage to 13 just so I can party on Red Mage. I'm not buying the spells for Red Mage. I've got the Cure spells, I've got Protect and Shell, and I've got Deodorize and Sneak. When I hit 25, I'll have Invisible. Those are the only spells I have!
I'm not a mage!
I'm just so sick of people telling me, "lol so lvl up n00b" as if I couldn't reach that conclusion on my own.
I'm also sick of other people agreeing to level with me and then blasting past because I have to work and go to school. Look, some people don't need to or can't do both. More power to you. But I have classes, a ridiculous amount of homework, and work, and those take priority. If you can't wait a day for me - even when you're leveling a job you don't like - then, yes, it sure as hell sucks for me, but no one's holding a gun to your head and making you get a party.
When Nabiki's ready, maybe we will just to to 75. That'll be fine! I don't mind playing with friends. I don't like to go do those "big things" by myself. I'm sorry no one seems to be able to understand that.
So make in-game friends! I don't know how to meet people. I cannot meet people. That I no longer have any in-state friends should indicate that. I can't socialize. It doesn't really bother me, though sometimes I think it should.
Anyway, what's at 75? There's nothing to do once you get there. Except level another job. I don't want to level another job. I like Thief. And I don't have the time to devote to an Endgame Linkshell (nor do I want the drama associated with one).
Plus, this is the person who wept uncontrollably for days after obtaining Rank 10. I don't even want to know what idiot reaction I'll come up with for hitting 75.
... This is really a sore spot for me, isn't it? Sorry. Geez. I love FFXI, but I love it as a game.
So I guess I need to put myself back on track. This is going to be hard, but if it shuts up that little voice telling me that I'm worthless, and I annoy everyone, and I'm a general and all-around failure doomed to fail and be miserable and EVERYTHING ELSE, then it will be worth it.
(Seriously, I have found myself opening a reply window and writing a reply and then CLOSING THE WINDOW because I don't want to annoy people by leaving comments on their journal? I have been doing this a lot. I am really, really pathetic these days.)
Also, rest of humanity: telling me to just not listen to it? DOESN'T HELP. It doesn't work like that. If I could reset my brain to function like that of a normal, healthy human being? I would. God, believe me, I would. But it's not that easy. Don't you think that if I could just ignore that voice that I would? Telling me I should just ignore it hurts, because I can't, and that makes me feel even more worthless.
I realize that's probably not what you mean to do when you tell me these things, but that's what it does.
"Great! If I were a normal, non-idiot person who could handle themselves and reality, then I could just dismiss that little thought-nag! TOO BAD I'M NOT, HAHA, GOD, I SUCK."
It's self-perpetuating enough as it is. Please don't help it.
... In a similar vein, telling me, "Well, then, geez, just put yourself into therapy!" doesn't help, either. I can't bring myself to pick up the telephone, because the nag is always telling me, you know, normal people just deal with this shit. Buck up and deal with it like a normal person.
THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME. PLEASE STOP EXPECTING ME TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION AS NORMALLY AS THE REST OF YOU, BECAUSE I REALLY, REALLY CANNOT SOMETIMES, OKAY? THERE IS NO MAGICAL "FIX IT" BUTTON.
Ugh, whatever. All this is both giving me a headache and upsetting me even more. Me and my rational part are going over there and ignoring the emo-thing in the corner now. Though maybe we'll give it some markers first. Then it can entertain itself instead of sending out annoying thoughts.
My mother is off to visit my brother right now. She's not been gone for a day, but the animals are determined to be as annoying as possible in her absence. I am ready to put the cat through the window. I love her dearly, but even I can only take her following me around and meowing incessantly for so long. She doesn't want to play, she doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want food or water, her litter box is clean, there isn't another cat on the porch...
He asked me to pack up his PS2 so she could bring it to him, along with God of War II, since that's the only game he owns that he hasn't played through yet. I sent him my FFXII and Jak and Daxter, as well, even though I haven't played through FFXII yet. It is too much like FFXI and it drives me up the wall. I will beat it someday. I just do not know when.