Fic:"God is in Heaven. All's right with the World." (Cobb/Fischer) Part 1

[twilightthief]

Title: God is in heaven. All's right with the World.

Crossover: Inception meets Neon Genesis Evangelion

Pairings: Subtle Dom/Robert

Rating: PG

Summary: Written for the

Comments

[anonymous]

You were obviously trying to capture the dense, emotive atmosphere of NGE here. Unfortunately it really doesn't come across. The short sentences aren't very emotive and read more like an outline for a fic than an actual story. Possibly it's the lack of dialogue which is making it read that way. I know there are lots of moments in NGE canon where silence is used really well, but in writing it's harder to do without falling into pure exposition. And exposition usually doesn't read very well. A good example of a fic where extremely abrupt sentences and scenes work well is this: http://smallacts.livejournal.com/28514.html if you wanted to have a look at how that author uses dialogue and action to convey the story and still keep that abrupt style.

It's also very hard to follow what's going on. Again, NGE canon is a mindfuck and a half, but it still has touchstones of sensibility, especially for the first half of the series. This sensibility allows them to go off the rails so spectacularly later... they already set up characters and a world. There are probably ways you could start out with that kind of manic mindfuck, but again this doesn't really engage the reader enough to get past the difficulty in following the plot.

How do you plan your fic? Do you have a process? It might be helpful to write and then put your work away for a few days or a week before coming back to it. That way you can read your own writing with a fresher eye and more easily see how it might look to an outside reader. I've read your other fics as well, and they all feel like they might benefit from that kind of process. Dialogue in particular, try reading it out loud and seeing if it sounds natural, like something someone would actually say in conversation, and then think about if it is something these characters would be likely to say.

As an aside, the Nerv motto is "God's In His Heaven, All's Right With the World", not "God is in heaven. All's right with the World".

I'm more than happy to clarify or go into more detail about any of this.