(no subject)
I am trying to find myself in order to know why this is happening. I am trying to find myself in order to know exactly what is happening. It's a feeling that is welling inside of me, swelling inside of me, and what am I to do with it!?
Yesterday, I must have been going stir crazy with no outlet for the energy I was feeling. Not that I was lacking things to do or will to do them. What was lacking was the kinetic focus that is required to sit down and do any task. I went to bed at 8:30, my body and mind were so exhausted. Exhausted from running over the beaten track that is my self-fulfilling, self-depricating doo-doo that follows the good interactions with people that really turn me on.
On Saturday night, I went to dinner with Kaysee, and on our walk back we started talking about boys and what we like about the way they respond to us...what keeps us interested. No more than two minutes after I started telling her about Roberto, he appeared. Right there- walking toward us, Roberto and his friend Larry who is visiting from Washington D.C.
When I thought about it, I actually wasn't surprised because of the way things like that keep happening between us. Nothing too extraordinary, I suppose...just things like on Wednesday when I was sitting out on my balcony with Kaysee, debating whether or not to send him a text message, and just as I decided it was a good idea, I held up my phone, put my finger to the keys that unlock the keypad, and my phone rang. It was him. "Well, hello," I said.
And the time before that something like that happened, I picked up the phone and said, "You trip me out, man."
"Why?" he says like he doesn't really care if there's an answer to the question or not..."I had literally just scrolled to your name in my phone, and then it started ringing."
He was standing outside my building, by the gate, and said, "That's because we're connected." And once I wrote that, I can remember several other times that he's said things to that effect. I take them with a handful of salt because he's so charming. He's got a lot of nice things to say to a lot of pretty girls, and I cannot stand to be made a fool of. I am too prideful. That is my vulnerability. I will lay my heart on the line in order to save my pride. It's really counter-intuitive if you ask me. But no one really knows it's there, except this "him" might have the notion from the ways I have about me.
Yesterday those ways were haywire. Nothing I did seemed to make me any closer to him. Maybe I should have glued myself to the window he can see from his street so that there would be no chance of him missing me...Truth be told, I want him to miss me. But I cannot induce that. Either he will or he won't. Que sera, sera. The futility of worrying my head is beyond explanation and is corroding my repose.
Saturday night I wasn't planning on going back out, but when I called Lucia, I suddenly felt energized. I would be in denial to say that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was out and felt close. I didn't really expect to see him out...this is a big city, afterall. I was walking through Zona T, on Carrera 12A, making my way to where Lucia and her boyfriend, Mauricio were waiting for me, and at the same time, he was walking down Calle 82 toward Penthouse, the 4 story dance club...incidentally, we met on the corner where the two meet. "I officially feel like a stalker." I said as I came up behind him. He turned around and kissed my cheek...I walked with him down the street for about a block...he asked me to text message him and let me know where I ended up so he could break away from his group and join me. As we parted he said, "I'll be waiting for your text!" I wasn't sure I was going to text him...I didn't think he was going to have fun where I was...it was dark and loud, and the coversation was not being carried well. I'm still not sure why I keep going out with Lucia. She throws her sexuality around like it's a hot potato. She french kissed me on the park bench at Calle 84 while we were waiting for Mauricio and Nelson. It felt more like she had something to prove than she liked me. At the time I still thought she was beautiful, but now I'm worried about a herpe popping up. Not that I've ever seen her with them...
I text messaged Roberto finally around 1 a.m...told him that a girl french kissed me and that I was heading back to my house with a small group of people for drinks and to call me if he wanted to. I didn't really expect to hear from him. Maybe a goodnight text. I missed his 4 phone calls and two texts at first, then I went out to the balcony to call him back. I looked down and there he was, sitting on a short cement column (intended as a barricade from cars), looking up at my balcony. I was so excited, I immediately told him to come on up. I should have been more coy.
He and Larry came up. Roberto might have been a bit nervous about running into my parents when he got there, but he hid it well. He did end up meeting my Dad...who was clasically awkward right after. Do other people notice that? Or is it just me?
Larry presented himself as a motivational speaker...he went through several of his lessons on self-esteem and being deserving of love, the value of self-respect...I was honestly annoyed, and it must have come through; I hope I wasn't rude...even though he kept bringing up issues between Roberto and I that were none of his business. But...his interest came from a good place.
I said that sometime people have to do things that on the surface seem wrong, for a nobler cause. I know how trite that sounds, but the truth is, that I believe it. And after Saturday night and the conversations we had, and the points everyone made, I can say that I do believe that Roberto is a caring, thoughtful person who happens to be pretty emotionally intelligent. The more I get to know him, the more I know what I want. But I also know myself well enough to know that I always think this when I'm falling in love. Each time it feels like the object of my affection is penetrating a brand-new weak point in the chain mael around my heart. Like they discovered or invented my own heart.
He didn't kiss me as he was leaving. And maybe that's because he didn't like that I was smoking cigarettes or maybe he just didn't want to. I didn't kiss him, either. He looked ready to bolt, but stayed on the steps with me for another minute talking to me as he was shouting for Larry to wait up for him.
"Go! Get out of here." I said semi-sarcastically...he stayed another few seconds, proved he was a bit torn. "When do I get to see you wear the shirt I gave you?" He had to raise his voice a little because he was almost out the gate when he asked.
"Ask me out sometime."
He made some sort of scoffing sound...did that mean "girl, you're hard on me." or "not in this life."?
He'd be a fool not to. Even though I am used to all of my patterns and ways in love, I know when it's real and when I'm faking myself out. This is real. We were born to tear down old walls and build new ones around our love. I've always known it, I just didn't know that I knew it. He's my true ally.
Yesterday, I must have been going stir crazy with no outlet for the energy I was feeling. Not that I was lacking things to do or will to do them. What was lacking was the kinetic focus that is required to sit down and do any task. I went to bed at 8:30, my body and mind were so exhausted. Exhausted from running over the beaten track that is my self-fulfilling, self-depricating doo-doo that follows the good interactions with people that really turn me on.
On Saturday night, I went to dinner with Kaysee, and on our walk back we started talking about boys and what we like about the way they respond to us...what keeps us interested. No more than two minutes after I started telling her about Roberto, he appeared. Right there- walking toward us, Roberto and his friend Larry who is visiting from Washington D.C.
When I thought about it, I actually wasn't surprised because of the way things like that keep happening between us. Nothing too extraordinary, I suppose...just things like on Wednesday when I was sitting out on my balcony with Kaysee, debating whether or not to send him a text message, and just as I decided it was a good idea, I held up my phone, put my finger to the keys that unlock the keypad, and my phone rang. It was him. "Well, hello," I said.
And the time before that something like that happened, I picked up the phone and said, "You trip me out, man."
"Why?" he says like he doesn't really care if there's an answer to the question or not..."I had literally just scrolled to your name in my phone, and then it started ringing."
He was standing outside my building, by the gate, and said, "That's because we're connected." And once I wrote that, I can remember several other times that he's said things to that effect. I take them with a handful of salt because he's so charming. He's got a lot of nice things to say to a lot of pretty girls, and I cannot stand to be made a fool of. I am too prideful. That is my vulnerability. I will lay my heart on the line in order to save my pride. It's really counter-intuitive if you ask me. But no one really knows it's there, except this "him" might have the notion from the ways I have about me.
Yesterday those ways were haywire. Nothing I did seemed to make me any closer to him. Maybe I should have glued myself to the window he can see from his street so that there would be no chance of him missing me...Truth be told, I want him to miss me. But I cannot induce that. Either he will or he won't. Que sera, sera. The futility of worrying my head is beyond explanation and is corroding my repose.
Saturday night I wasn't planning on going back out, but when I called Lucia, I suddenly felt energized. I would be in denial to say that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was out and felt close. I didn't really expect to see him out...this is a big city, afterall. I was walking through Zona T, on Carrera 12A, making my way to where Lucia and her boyfriend, Mauricio were waiting for me, and at the same time, he was walking down Calle 82 toward Penthouse, the 4 story dance club...incidentally, we met on the corner where the two meet. "I officially feel like a stalker." I said as I came up behind him. He turned around and kissed my cheek...I walked with him down the street for about a block...he asked me to text message him and let me know where I ended up so he could break away from his group and join me. As we parted he said, "I'll be waiting for your text!" I wasn't sure I was going to text him...I didn't think he was going to have fun where I was...it was dark and loud, and the coversation was not being carried well. I'm still not sure why I keep going out with Lucia. She throws her sexuality around like it's a hot potato. She french kissed me on the park bench at Calle 84 while we were waiting for Mauricio and Nelson. It felt more like she had something to prove than she liked me. At the time I still thought she was beautiful, but now I'm worried about a herpe popping up. Not that I've ever seen her with them...
I text messaged Roberto finally around 1 a.m...told him that a girl french kissed me and that I was heading back to my house with a small group of people for drinks and to call me if he wanted to. I didn't really expect to hear from him. Maybe a goodnight text. I missed his 4 phone calls and two texts at first, then I went out to the balcony to call him back. I looked down and there he was, sitting on a short cement column (intended as a barricade from cars), looking up at my balcony. I was so excited, I immediately told him to come on up. I should have been more coy.
He and Larry came up. Roberto might have been a bit nervous about running into my parents when he got there, but he hid it well. He did end up meeting my Dad...who was clasically awkward right after. Do other people notice that? Or is it just me?
Larry presented himself as a motivational speaker...he went through several of his lessons on self-esteem and being deserving of love, the value of self-respect...I was honestly annoyed, and it must have come through; I hope I wasn't rude...even though he kept bringing up issues between Roberto and I that were none of his business. But...his interest came from a good place.
I said that sometime people have to do things that on the surface seem wrong, for a nobler cause. I know how trite that sounds, but the truth is, that I believe it. And after Saturday night and the conversations we had, and the points everyone made, I can say that I do believe that Roberto is a caring, thoughtful person who happens to be pretty emotionally intelligent. The more I get to know him, the more I know what I want. But I also know myself well enough to know that I always think this when I'm falling in love. Each time it feels like the object of my affection is penetrating a brand-new weak point in the chain mael around my heart. Like they discovered or invented my own heart.
He didn't kiss me as he was leaving. And maybe that's because he didn't like that I was smoking cigarettes or maybe he just didn't want to. I didn't kiss him, either. He looked ready to bolt, but stayed on the steps with me for another minute talking to me as he was shouting for Larry to wait up for him.
"Go! Get out of here." I said semi-sarcastically...he stayed another few seconds, proved he was a bit torn. "When do I get to see you wear the shirt I gave you?" He had to raise his voice a little because he was almost out the gate when he asked.
"Ask me out sometime."
He made some sort of scoffing sound...did that mean "girl, you're hard on me." or "not in this life."?
He'd be a fool not to. Even though I am used to all of my patterns and ways in love, I know when it's real and when I'm faking myself out. This is real. We were born to tear down old walls and build new ones around our love. I've always known it, I just didn't know that I knew it. He's my true ally.