how can i begin?
i want to be me in all my brutal honesty. word and deed, bare me. let me be uncovered shamelessly. why is there so much shame in every trite question i ask myself?
IT'S REAL. i want answers. and no one can tell me what they are...i just have to learn them. Makes me feel so young and girlish to think of how many basic, uninteresting philosophical questions i have yet to answer for myself. when does that point come when i "just know" or when i feel so old that i have to start pretending i just know.
and who can assume by this that i lack the confidence i need to be a stately individual?
i cannot believe that a lack of understanding of the human mind equals a lack of sense of self.
i do not understand how mind and heart work together, hard as i try. but i understand a great deal of how mine work separately from each other.
i can say now that i am in a number of ways in a period of purging.
i am purging my system of chris.
purging memories.
purging old hang ups.
with much hesitance i say that i am going back to a place where i was me 5 years ago.
how did i get so lost?
when did i surrender my vision for the vision of another?
why couldn't i see the inevitable doom in that?
i am a weak thing.
i've been ripped up a hundred thousand times by even the gentlest winds.
the only truly hopeful person i know said this, "You have the most amazing ability to pick yourself up by a thread and sew yourself back into something dreamlike and beautiful."
his words are threads.
spinning out of his mouth in flower shapes,
i memorize their patterns
and recreate them
to please him.
his gaze is the wind.
blowing through delicate patterned petals.
his silence- the shredding sound.
IT'S REAL. i want answers. and no one can tell me what they are...i just have to learn them. Makes me feel so young and girlish to think of how many basic, uninteresting philosophical questions i have yet to answer for myself. when does that point come when i "just know" or when i feel so old that i have to start pretending i just know.
and who can assume by this that i lack the confidence i need to be a stately individual?
i cannot believe that a lack of understanding of the human mind equals a lack of sense of self.
i do not understand how mind and heart work together, hard as i try. but i understand a great deal of how mine work separately from each other.
i can say now that i am in a number of ways in a period of purging.
i am purging my system of chris.
purging memories.
purging old hang ups.
with much hesitance i say that i am going back to a place where i was me 5 years ago.
how did i get so lost?
when did i surrender my vision for the vision of another?
why couldn't i see the inevitable doom in that?
i am a weak thing.
i've been ripped up a hundred thousand times by even the gentlest winds.
the only truly hopeful person i know said this, "You have the most amazing ability to pick yourself up by a thread and sew yourself back into something dreamlike and beautiful."
his words are threads.
spinning out of his mouth in flower shapes,
i memorize their patterns
and recreate them
to please him.
his gaze is the wind.
blowing through delicate patterned petals.
his silence- the shredding sound.