(no subject)
tonite was so weird...like trip down memory lane. talking to mike and him asking me stuff about dc and me and jen. grr i was such a bitch in dc. but then him and like "well i guess you can understand why i never really went out with you. probably the same thoughts that raced through ur mind in washington, raced through mine that one football game...except there was no one else that i liked." and i mean it all made sense as soon as i knew that he was gay but when he put it like that for some reason it just all clicked into place for the first time. and i just told him that i was never angry at him for any of that cos i wasnt...i remember talking to kara and saying things like "oh my god i want to hate him for this but i cant" and yeah i just wanted him to know that didnt change anything between us even then...maybe all of that stuff brought us closer. and i complain to jen all the time (i recall doing it just yesterday) about how i cant stand dealing with him sometimes, but god i love that kid. and some little part of me will always have a crush on him. i dont know why...its just i cant let go of him. and we were talking about him coming out and he was saying how it was nice that i had jen there through it all and how he didnt have anybody. and i feel bad for him, but i just wish hed stop hanging out with doug and them. and he cracks me up with his "lily was the last hurrah" and me "couldnt you have picked someone better!?!" and we didnt talk about it but i just kept thinking about semiformal..and how awkward it was but i still had so much fun with him and some little part of me actually wanted to go to homecoming with him this year just for the hell of it and maybe thats why i talked about not wanting to go so much. and just wow that all took me back to last year and how much i miss then. i wish i could mix this year with last..because there are parts of this year that so rock my fox [my jen ;)] but i miss hanging out with just mike and alex when they were still cool. and i miss hanging out with becca all the time and being a complete idiot and walking to football games from kristens house and singing beatles songs around karlas neighborhood. and i miss writing on mikes locker things like "mikemike is god." and drama class. and i miss being happy and miss not having to worry about kids calling me "dyke" in the hallways.
and then i talked to laura for awhile. god i miss her...i miss zeisloft and drama with her. with our stupid jokes "the beatles did drugs???" and "we all live in a purple bumbershoot"
this is gonna sound really screwy but snow makes me sentimental...its always so nice and peaceful and makes me think of everything that happened the year before..because i can remember getting all like this last year-ish. and right now i would give anything to just curl up in jens arms and fall asleep.
and i was thinking..which i do too much...about me and naptime. and i realized that its just i feel so completely relaxed when im around her and like i can be myself whether that means naptime or not lol. its just with all of the guys i ever liked i was always so tense when i was around them and i overanalyzed everything. and with jen, im just me and i take things for what they are and theres no reason to analyze anything.
i better get to see her over break or i will fall apart. im practically already falling apart. although i do have to admit after school til now...i was in a much better mood than i have been..but still not great.
and then i talked to laura for awhile. god i miss her...i miss zeisloft and drama with her. with our stupid jokes "the beatles did drugs???" and "we all live in a purple bumbershoot"
this is gonna sound really screwy but snow makes me sentimental...its always so nice and peaceful and makes me think of everything that happened the year before..because i can remember getting all like this last year-ish. and right now i would give anything to just curl up in jens arms and fall asleep.
and i was thinking..which i do too much...about me and naptime. and i realized that its just i feel so completely relaxed when im around her and like i can be myself whether that means naptime or not lol. its just with all of the guys i ever liked i was always so tense when i was around them and i overanalyzed everything. and with jen, im just me and i take things for what they are and theres no reason to analyze anything.
i better get to see her over break or i will fall apart. im practically already falling apart. although i do have to admit after school til now...i was in a much better mood than i have been..but still not great.