The hole
I don't want to sleep. I've been having sadly funny/death dreams. I don't want to sleep. This house is filled with just hate. Just old and tired hate. Morgan and his ex-girlfriend are crying and screaming at each other in the next room, so why would I try? This house, this stuffy broken apartment where you rub the lights to work is sucking me dry. This mother, this brother, who can't get along are making me so short tempered.
I just want to come from a consistently average content family. It's sometimes hard to look at Mac and his mother and father. I always think back to the dinner when Karen intrusively asked about my split parents. I want to get over it. So shut up about it. Forget about it. Morgan won't and mother can't and all they do is re-live the moments of sadness afresh in their little squabbles. Morgan fills the roll of absent father and Mother remains the same. So unchanged. I hate this house I hate this place. It's ugly and old and all I want to do is move on. I cannot wait to find an apartment with Mac and move in. Move in with our roommates who will probably go home on holidays, but not me. I don't want to go home though my mother will beg. I'm leaving this hole. I'm over it. I'm over all the dredged up misery that these fools keep pulling up like poisoned water in a well. They're all self practicing victims who refuse to see it from another point of view. I'm tired of acting as my mother's therapist or even worse, mother. Morgan doesn't respect anyone. I really, really, really want to run away and curl up, just somehow make it to Mac's bed, or any bed away from here. What is their love worth? It just feels like something that requires a payment. Like I owe something to them, I owe it to them to stay here and keep the peace. I owe nothing, I just want to leave them to their failing lives. They won't pick themselves up and refuse any help. They don't want it, they want to sit in their shit. Mother wants to be lonely forever, and morgan wants to never make anything of himself. I'm filled with such contempt and I'm not that kind of person. This place makes me into something very ugly.
I must escape.
I just want to come from a consistently average content family. It's sometimes hard to look at Mac and his mother and father. I always think back to the dinner when Karen intrusively asked about my split parents. I want to get over it. So shut up about it. Forget about it. Morgan won't and mother can't and all they do is re-live the moments of sadness afresh in their little squabbles. Morgan fills the roll of absent father and Mother remains the same. So unchanged. I hate this house I hate this place. It's ugly and old and all I want to do is move on. I cannot wait to find an apartment with Mac and move in. Move in with our roommates who will probably go home on holidays, but not me. I don't want to go home though my mother will beg. I'm leaving this hole. I'm over it. I'm over all the dredged up misery that these fools keep pulling up like poisoned water in a well. They're all self practicing victims who refuse to see it from another point of view. I'm tired of acting as my mother's therapist or even worse, mother. Morgan doesn't respect anyone. I really, really, really want to run away and curl up, just somehow make it to Mac's bed, or any bed away from here. What is their love worth? It just feels like something that requires a payment. Like I owe something to them, I owe it to them to stay here and keep the peace. I owe nothing, I just want to leave them to their failing lives. They won't pick themselves up and refuse any help. They don't want it, they want to sit in their shit. Mother wants to be lonely forever, and morgan wants to never make anything of himself. I'm filled with such contempt and I'm not that kind of person. This place makes me into something very ugly.
I must escape.