_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ !
It says three weeks since my last entry.
Three weeks ... I can't tell if that's the right amount of time for such a huge transformation.
At least it feels huge to me. It begins to feel better sized, accomodable. Not as difficult to deal with as it did before.
He makes it seem less important, which is nice. I know it must sound horrible but for me it so necessary. I need it to be just practical and good and manageable. Otherwise I can't house it, can't believe it or trust it.
But I'm beginning to all because of him.
He loves me
I begrudgingly at first,
but yes easier now
love him too.
He told me oddly enough on the fourth of July.
There was a fire in front of us and two instigators making a fuss. Out in the wilderness at Keith's country house sitting by the fire we built, some girl began question Mac and my relationship. "So when did you guys start going out" "when did things change". We of course don't have any answers. I said a couple of weeks ago keith immediately jumps in saying "thats a lie they've been secretly going out forever" or something along those lines. He begins to say insensitive things like "I mean I just thought Olivia always had the hots for you and you where just like not interested, and like she just wore you down". Mac said nothing and thankfully my sensitive spots where numbed by alcohol, but all the same the fire got a little brighter, a little uglier. Finally the topic was dropped.
He leaned in and spoke hotly into my ear. "I wish I could think of some sweet nothings to whisper into your ear"
I replied "so try". He sat next to me quite for a moment. I thought he had decided to let things lie but he came back. He leaned in and whispered,
"your gorgeous and sexy and, I think I'm falling in love with you"
He knew almost immediately it was the wrong thing to say.
It felt like I had been punched by Mr. Freeze. There was an immediate pain in my stomach and then I was frozen for just that immediate moment. I could feel all the cracks and fractures present in my frigid body. I couldn't move from the head bent position. I felt him lean away and I just stayed there looking at the fire licked ground. He stumbled on his words. He said "you don't have too... uh. I can take it back if you want?" and other such things. I know he was worried I heard it, he was worried that, that omission would push me away. Inside myself, that he'd have to deal with one of the others. He has before. He's smart, and he knows me and I almost did I guess. Or at least I had imagined that when the day would come, that would be my reaction. Something amazing happened though, I looked up and said "just let it go for now". He said okay, and I returned to myself as much as I could. I forgot about it for as long as I could, but through out the night I felt that cold punch over and over.
The next morning I almost convinced myself that it was a drunken slip up. Unfortunately I couldn't convince myself fully, I knew that he would never say that unless he felt it was true. I asked him when we had a moment to ourselves. It was beautiful, so beautiful out. Finally some constant sunshine. I asked him if he had mean it. I already knew the answer, it was so silly to ask. Something in me hoped though that it wasn't. He told me what I already knew. I asked him then to repeat it. I thought he'd repeat what he had said last night. I thought that I could deal with that. It was easier to think than to know.
He swung round to me and said "I love you".
I did very well. I did. I have done really well. I couldn't say it for a while. I mouthed the words a few times. I would whisper it on his skin so he couldn't tell. He told me another time later when I was aching to say but the words just sort of stuck. He said "you don't have to say it you know, cause I know you mean it". I can say it now though. It is hard, but he makes it easier he really does.
Last weekend I had an episode. Eve tried strangling him.
It's such a relief to be older now and weaker than my man. He's safe from me as long as he pays attention.
I remember, I begin to remember so much but it hurts. It's so much worse to be aware and unable to control, to not recognize your own movement your own voice and facial expressions. He just kept asking for me. He didn't hold me down tight like the others did. He gave me room, he made it seem not important. When I come back he acts as if nothing was really wrong. Like it was alright, that he took care of it. That he's not hurt or changed by it. It feels so good. So different than I'm used to. The feeling of pain and hysteria that usually accompanies these episodes is gone. I barely even cry except for the horrible frustration and sadness that I can't stop this. That I love him but want to hurt him regardless. That this isn't gone yet.
This Thursday I enter into the deep initiation process. It's the rehearsal, where I've been given the job of photographer. I'll be using his mothers digital camera. I'll take snapshots of the bride to be and his brother. His old and new extensive family. I'll be introduced as his girlfriend. They'll ask me questions and I'll have to do my best at being polite and interesting. Saturday is the wedding, I've picked out the dress I'll wear. I hope I'm liked I hope I'm liked, but I know he loves me and that'll be enough to keep me going.
He very much loves me, and I like the way he loves me. The way he loves me is best suited for me.
And I'm in love for the second time in my life. It hurts less this time around.
lick sideways
Such a long way
To taste
Always find gold colored
Dentil floss between
My two front teeth
Short broad nails
Do not cut my tongue
Taste like tobacco
And me
Hold soft just
The act of swapping
Adrenalin in
Small dose I don't
Need anything more
To get me tough.
I think finally
I've made love. .
Three weeks ... I can't tell if that's the right amount of time for such a huge transformation.
At least it feels huge to me. It begins to feel better sized, accomodable. Not as difficult to deal with as it did before.
He makes it seem less important, which is nice. I know it must sound horrible but for me it so necessary. I need it to be just practical and good and manageable. Otherwise I can't house it, can't believe it or trust it.
But I'm beginning to all because of him.
He loves me
I begrudgingly at first,
but yes easier now
love him too.
He told me oddly enough on the fourth of July.
There was a fire in front of us and two instigators making a fuss. Out in the wilderness at Keith's country house sitting by the fire we built, some girl began question Mac and my relationship. "So when did you guys start going out" "when did things change". We of course don't have any answers. I said a couple of weeks ago keith immediately jumps in saying "thats a lie they've been secretly going out forever" or something along those lines. He begins to say insensitive things like "I mean I just thought Olivia always had the hots for you and you where just like not interested, and like she just wore you down". Mac said nothing and thankfully my sensitive spots where numbed by alcohol, but all the same the fire got a little brighter, a little uglier. Finally the topic was dropped.
He leaned in and spoke hotly into my ear. "I wish I could think of some sweet nothings to whisper into your ear"
I replied "so try". He sat next to me quite for a moment. I thought he had decided to let things lie but he came back. He leaned in and whispered,
"your gorgeous and sexy and, I think I'm falling in love with you"
He knew almost immediately it was the wrong thing to say.
It felt like I had been punched by Mr. Freeze. There was an immediate pain in my stomach and then I was frozen for just that immediate moment. I could feel all the cracks and fractures present in my frigid body. I couldn't move from the head bent position. I felt him lean away and I just stayed there looking at the fire licked ground. He stumbled on his words. He said "you don't have too... uh. I can take it back if you want?" and other such things. I know he was worried I heard it, he was worried that, that omission would push me away. Inside myself, that he'd have to deal with one of the others. He has before. He's smart, and he knows me and I almost did I guess. Or at least I had imagined that when the day would come, that would be my reaction. Something amazing happened though, I looked up and said "just let it go for now". He said okay, and I returned to myself as much as I could. I forgot about it for as long as I could, but through out the night I felt that cold punch over and over.
The next morning I almost convinced myself that it was a drunken slip up. Unfortunately I couldn't convince myself fully, I knew that he would never say that unless he felt it was true. I asked him when we had a moment to ourselves. It was beautiful, so beautiful out. Finally some constant sunshine. I asked him if he had mean it. I already knew the answer, it was so silly to ask. Something in me hoped though that it wasn't. He told me what I already knew. I asked him then to repeat it. I thought he'd repeat what he had said last night. I thought that I could deal with that. It was easier to think than to know.
He swung round to me and said "I love you".
I did very well. I did. I have done really well. I couldn't say it for a while. I mouthed the words a few times. I would whisper it on his skin so he couldn't tell. He told me another time later when I was aching to say but the words just sort of stuck. He said "you don't have to say it you know, cause I know you mean it". I can say it now though. It is hard, but he makes it easier he really does.
Last weekend I had an episode. Eve tried strangling him.
It's such a relief to be older now and weaker than my man. He's safe from me as long as he pays attention.
I remember, I begin to remember so much but it hurts. It's so much worse to be aware and unable to control, to not recognize your own movement your own voice and facial expressions. He just kept asking for me. He didn't hold me down tight like the others did. He gave me room, he made it seem not important. When I come back he acts as if nothing was really wrong. Like it was alright, that he took care of it. That he's not hurt or changed by it. It feels so good. So different than I'm used to. The feeling of pain and hysteria that usually accompanies these episodes is gone. I barely even cry except for the horrible frustration and sadness that I can't stop this. That I love him but want to hurt him regardless. That this isn't gone yet.
This Thursday I enter into the deep initiation process. It's the rehearsal, where I've been given the job of photographer. I'll be using his mothers digital camera. I'll take snapshots of the bride to be and his brother. His old and new extensive family. I'll be introduced as his girlfriend. They'll ask me questions and I'll have to do my best at being polite and interesting. Saturday is the wedding, I've picked out the dress I'll wear. I hope I'm liked I hope I'm liked, but I know he loves me and that'll be enough to keep me going.
He very much loves me, and I like the way he loves me. The way he loves me is best suited for me.
And I'm in love for the second time in my life. It hurts less this time around.
lick sideways
Such a long way
To taste
Always find gold colored
Dentil floss between
My two front teeth
Short broad nails
Do not cut my tongue
Taste like tobacco
And me
Hold soft just
The act of swapping
Adrenalin in
Small dose I don't
Need anything more
To get me tough.
I think finally
I've made love. .