takes a little getting used to
On the way to my internship a woman took a drive by pictures of me.
I want it to be a good omen.
On the way home I saw a dead baby bird.
I don't want that to be an omen at all.
(I want that internship)
I want back the weekend. I want that strange but familiar feeling. The way he kisses all that space between my jaw and shoulder. I want all his looks and the way he speaks to me. I want his hands teasing my knees, my breasts, my ass. I want the earth shaking sex, the relaxed sensual moments after shared orgasm. I want the way we learn to be around each other. The new found hand holding. The new caress. The raspberries, poking, beard pulling, biting. I want "silly kisses" and to watch tideland again. To watch all the movies with him.
Something changed this weekend.
Only one night did I feel weighted with illness and oh how he surprised me.
I thought that it would plague me. I almost dreaded seeing him again after the phone conversation. After the decision was made to be exclusive. After that evening I could feel all the old issues resurfacing. The moment I sat down on the train with him though, it sort of just went away. It was no where at all that whole first night and day, until out of the blue for no reason no words mistaken, no upsetting moments with him, I soured.
I was in the bathroom sitting on the toilet when all of a sudden the room got brighter (not trick of the lights) and I no longer felt fine. I ignored it till later, even after sex, when it hadn't dissipated. I told Mac and after holding me for a bit and teasing he took me outside to sit with him while he had his last smoke.
I realized why the illness had overtaken me while we sat there. It took me a while to say, I didn't even mean to say all of it. "I think I just can't deal with all the rush of emotion I'm feeling. Like being happy, content, safe... with you."
I thought I had said too much. That it was too soon to say things like that. He really surprised me though. Instead of throwing me some remark he was quite for just a moment. He then took his non-smoking hand and wrapped it around my side and placed his face in that special place between me jaw and shoulder (I wish it had a more specific name, it's much more than just "neck). He made this romantic gesture and then said "well get used to it."
I simply cannot convey how much that sentence meant to me at that moment, even now days later. I suppose it has something to do with the idea of getting used to. It's safe... it's safe to allow myself those emotions without worrying and freaking out, which in the end agitates the illness. It was such a thoughtful and kind thing of him to say. Even his delivery made it easier. What I've just described seems overly sentimental and romantic, but how he said it, teasing me still. It sounded practical, it sounded natural, easy, meant to shake me out of the heavy feeling. Light, personable, perfect.
I used to think he was terrible at calming my states. That he'd never be able to help me, manage me. In the end I was so terribly terribly wrong. No one in my life has managed to make it as easy as this. Maybe it's the laid back attitude which makes it hard for me to take everything so seriously. To let it go, to let those moments be discarded as just the illness. It takes away all the power in it's seriousness.
I want him want him here now.
I saw Lucas my first love today, he asked after Mac. I told him I'd gone to visit him, that I guess I'm smitten.
Today I read a bunch of old entries. It's sad that he's caused me so much pain. I worry that I wont be able to forgive him. Some things aren't his fault, like Nash, and everyone else, but still I want him to own up. Own up to hanging out with me till dawn when he had a girlfriend, and all those times he'd let people clear out and then ask what I was doing. He'll play a friend card maybe, but I'm not sure we where ever really just friends. I want to know if he really thought that that's all I was. Did he ignore the obviousness of my feelings for him, or did he lie to himself believing it wasn't there. It's odd I read over those moments now and realized they could've gone a completely different way if I had just pushed him. If I had gone in for a kiss or said something earlier, the right way.
This has been a long, hard, time coming. It seems to be going well for now.
I might even someday soon...
I want it to be a good omen.
On the way home I saw a dead baby bird.
I don't want that to be an omen at all.
(I want that internship)
I want back the weekend. I want that strange but familiar feeling. The way he kisses all that space between my jaw and shoulder. I want all his looks and the way he speaks to me. I want his hands teasing my knees, my breasts, my ass. I want the earth shaking sex, the relaxed sensual moments after shared orgasm. I want the way we learn to be around each other. The new found hand holding. The new caress. The raspberries, poking, beard pulling, biting. I want "silly kisses" and to watch tideland again. To watch all the movies with him.
Something changed this weekend.
Only one night did I feel weighted with illness and oh how he surprised me.
I thought that it would plague me. I almost dreaded seeing him again after the phone conversation. After the decision was made to be exclusive. After that evening I could feel all the old issues resurfacing. The moment I sat down on the train with him though, it sort of just went away. It was no where at all that whole first night and day, until out of the blue for no reason no words mistaken, no upsetting moments with him, I soured.
I was in the bathroom sitting on the toilet when all of a sudden the room got brighter (not trick of the lights) and I no longer felt fine. I ignored it till later, even after sex, when it hadn't dissipated. I told Mac and after holding me for a bit and teasing he took me outside to sit with him while he had his last smoke.
I realized why the illness had overtaken me while we sat there. It took me a while to say, I didn't even mean to say all of it. "I think I just can't deal with all the rush of emotion I'm feeling. Like being happy, content, safe... with you."
I thought I had said too much. That it was too soon to say things like that. He really surprised me though. Instead of throwing me some remark he was quite for just a moment. He then took his non-smoking hand and wrapped it around my side and placed his face in that special place between me jaw and shoulder (I wish it had a more specific name, it's much more than just "neck). He made this romantic gesture and then said "well get used to it."
I simply cannot convey how much that sentence meant to me at that moment, even now days later. I suppose it has something to do with the idea of getting used to. It's safe... it's safe to allow myself those emotions without worrying and freaking out, which in the end agitates the illness. It was such a thoughtful and kind thing of him to say. Even his delivery made it easier. What I've just described seems overly sentimental and romantic, but how he said it, teasing me still. It sounded practical, it sounded natural, easy, meant to shake me out of the heavy feeling. Light, personable, perfect.
I used to think he was terrible at calming my states. That he'd never be able to help me, manage me. In the end I was so terribly terribly wrong. No one in my life has managed to make it as easy as this. Maybe it's the laid back attitude which makes it hard for me to take everything so seriously. To let it go, to let those moments be discarded as just the illness. It takes away all the power in it's seriousness.
I want him want him here now.
I saw Lucas my first love today, he asked after Mac. I told him I'd gone to visit him, that I guess I'm smitten.
Today I read a bunch of old entries. It's sad that he's caused me so much pain. I worry that I wont be able to forgive him. Some things aren't his fault, like Nash, and everyone else, but still I want him to own up. Own up to hanging out with me till dawn when he had a girlfriend, and all those times he'd let people clear out and then ask what I was doing. He'll play a friend card maybe, but I'm not sure we where ever really just friends. I want to know if he really thought that that's all I was. Did he ignore the obviousness of my feelings for him, or did he lie to himself believing it wasn't there. It's odd I read over those moments now and realized they could've gone a completely different way if I had just pushed him. If I had gone in for a kiss or said something earlier, the right way.
This has been a long, hard, time coming. It seems to be going well for now.
I might even someday soon...