pragmatic frantic keeping it bellow sea level
I should be working. I should be I'm so frazzled frazzled frazzled frazzled. I want to reach out. I want a cigarette. forgot them at Al's yesterday. I should be working. Instead I'm looking for more secrets and re-reading my fathers suicide letter. I'm going to write it here because maybe one day it will be lost. I don't know why I hold on to it. Why am I so morbid. Mac made a joke about how I'm crazy. It's not funny when its true. Sometimes it is. Mostly it is but it wasn't that time. It isn't right now.
In the end i wish that
I had gone to college, that I had
more education.
Something Something
In the end Oppenhiemer said
behold I am become death,
the destroyer of worlds
Trevor says Behold I am become
bother
I want to go to my sister's to
try and breath catch my breath
But I can't move
No amount of cocaine, pot,
beer sexual fantasies nothing
can dull or obscure what's
lost.
But in the end it doesn't
matter. we save what can be saved.
You save the calenders with the
X out days proof positive I
abandoned you. and our
dear children.
I wanted to come home yes
it was the only slim chance we
could get finally, though. Yet i
saw clearly that Gemma was
more. that her space was real
and mine gone forever
a beeper
a couple of thousand
and
in your heart I am dismissed
sitting in that bar
black with grief + bitter
Maureen tells me,
Sally's got a new job
Her reader (scratched out r) told her to
move on.
Maureen + Felix are comfortable
Sally's comfortable.
Why didn't I want to be comfortable.
I stroked (scratched out h) her hair
I stroked Maureen's hair
unable to speak.
I knew what Deziah had to say
I am regretful and bitter
I did love you all those years
and loved our family.
sorry get sicker + sicker.
I didn't pay for anything
so nothing is mine.
nothing left. no we
I'm going into the hospital
I'ts pointless to have beeper
when I'm using
Can't be father to kids when
I'm using
Can't stop crying + choking
and hiding
not your fault when the
heart moves on. You're beautiful
and accomplished. All the boys
love you.
(switches to back page)
I think of the man I
Wanted to be. And you
should have someone like
that.
(scratched this out) This depression
if. depression was called
by a scarier name maybe
people would
maybe I would have done more
to stop it sooner. Depression
Sounds so slight. like a
small dip in the road.
dyptheria, Jaundice
hyperthermia Ebola
chicken pox. all seem more
urgent.
If is the descolada. the
unglueing
unglueing. Look at what I've done
(next page)
which reminds me
I don't go in your house
last week i came to get
some clean clothes. 5 min.
touch nothing
yet I looked for the
clicker in the bowl.
to take the car
your car
to the ocean to drown
myself.
you aid you'd leave it
I won't keep it. Sally
All the time i think of you
and Olivia + MOrgan + Al. and
how can i redeem recover.
Especially Morgan.
It will take forever
or never
(on to the back)
I'll call there as soon
as I can speak
think clear
not cry
I wonder how iT is that
i never sacraficed
never supported or
comforted or helped
(scratched)
while you spare so much
so freely that god knows
the only course
left
is to abandon.
Well i can live in a
room
come to cook and help
with homework and in
time and time and time
(next page)
When i prove if i could
prove.
some worth
and nothing better for
either come along,
suffered enough i might
return. one day + maybe .
And this is better for the
kids who do not beep me
who i must not have loved
anyway.
no thanksgiving
no Christmas
no once in a thousand years
i am the liar
i manipulate
(and scratched out)