how is a raven like a writing desk? part 1
i'm a dork, a geek who obsesses specifically, i tend to the socially awkward and i embarrass myself often. i say weird shit and then try to talk myself out of my own corner. this often makes things worse. i hate being wrong, often to the point of not admitting i don't know something bc i don't want to look stupid. i talk a lot and am often loud. people find this annoying. hell, sometimes i annoy myself. i get louder when i'm drunk. i like getting drunk, like the diminishment of worries that inhibit. i see and say truths in things that make others uncomfortable. if denial were an olympic sport, i could win a gold medal, yet i feel things so keenly that i sometimes can't tell the difference between other's feelings and my own. i don't trust myself when it comes to my own life choices, my self intuitions and knowings. it's easier to believe i'm a tiny crazy person and keep on going on. i take too much too personally. i don't know how to apologize like a normal person, can't just say the words without understanding what i'm apologizing for. i often don't understand. i can get so wrapped up in the tumult of emotions that surround me that i become completely oblivious to anything else. i can eat an entire package of oreos in a night. i take procrastination to a fine art, like the feel of things to do looming over me and the adrenaline spike it gives me. i work most efficiently under pressure. i like the drama, but only self created drama. i don't think i'll ever actively choose to have a child. i'm selfish, and moody and feel way to much like a teenager to be turning 30 in a few weeks. i tell white lies, manipulate truths, to cover my ass. i am a writhing mass of insecurities. i fall in crush often and tend to get lost in the fantasy of it. i hold on to old hurts bc i'm too scared to move through them, like holding on to a stomachache bc i'm so afraid of vomiting. i'm vomitphobic, often unreasonably afraid of anything that might make me puke-boats, carnival rides, unfamiliar foods, potentially spoiled food, germs, getting too drunk, trying new things, etcs. i'm also afraid of being left out or left behind, not a fan of spiders or my feet dangling over heights, and changes you can't go back from. i prefer my bridges unburned, to not be forced to choose. i define being in love differently than the norm, see a wide grey area, so many ways to be in love with someone. time surprises me with it's passage, i often act like things left undone should have a pause button, so that no time has passed on them while i'm busy elsewhere. i'm really bad about keeping personal secrets, i tend to need to talk things out, and have no qualms about doing so. except when it comes to my family, who i am keeping major personal secrets from. i say it's for their own sake, bc i don't want to hurt them, but really, i am just afraid of losing them. hypocrite me.