[fic] cadaver walking
cadaver walking
r - changmin/yunho
1478ws
"sir, do you know that you were going ninety in a fifty-five zone?"
changmin drops his head to the steering wheel he's gripping with white knuckles. "yes sir."
"then why were you doing it?"
changmin chuckles, soft, which turns into full blown laughter, shoulders shaking and tears in his eyes. "i was trying to go through the fucking window."
---
changmin gets a ticket and a court order to visit a psychiatrist every day for two weeks. it's going to cost him two hundred dollars an hour for two hours every day, and the government offers to pay for half.
it makes changmin laugh as he signs his court papers.
"mr. shim?"
he turns around, wiping the tears from his eyes, and the officer who arrested him is staring at him, eyes filled with pity.
"yeah?" the pity Changmin sees makes him angry sad heartbroken tired and his hand shakes as he finishes his signature.
"are you- do you need a ride home?"
changmin's answer is a shrug.
the officer takes him by the arm, softly, and leads him out to a dark nondescript suv. he opens the door for changmin, closes it for him when he slides in, and they drive in silence as changmin leans his forehead against the window. when they get to his apartment, the officer opens his door again, takes his arm again, closes the door behind him again. he leads him into the apartment building, up the stairs to his apartment and for a moment they stand in front of the door.
it takes changmin a moment to realize that they're standing there because he has to open the door for them to go inside.
it takes him another moment to find his keys, another moment to open the door. the officers leads him inside, sits him at his couch. changmin watches him blankly as the other man kneels in front of him, slides off his shoes.
the officer looks up at him, eyes unreadable this time, and changmin doesn't know how long he stares, but when he blinks, he opens his eyes to the living room being nightfall dark.
he rubs at his eyes and sits up from the couch, even though he doesn't really want to, not at all.
he wants to sleep forever. no... that's only a pretty acceptable way to say it.
changmin wants to be dead.
---
when he walks out of his first therapy session, a wasted two hours of telling the smiling psychiatrist absolutely nothing, the officer is waiting by the door, arms and legs crosses as he leans against his suv. he's staring absent-mindedly into the distance when changmin walks up to him, smiles when he sees changmin.
"want a ride home?"
changmin nods.
---
it isn't that changmin is depressed, because he's not, not quite, not in the way the doctors want him to be.
changmin has just decided that there isn't much reason for him to be alive.
he's can't blame it on college because he graduated three years ago. he can't blame it on work because he's the founder and owner of a small computer security company. he can't blame it on his love life because he's had steady girlfriends and boyfriends.
he just woke up one morning and decided that there was absolutely no passion in his life and he didn't want to wake up another morning just to do the same thing over and over and over again.
---
changmin wakes up and takes a shower. he makes coffee in his boxers and drinks it in his jeans. he reads the newspaper from start to finish while he eats toast. he puts on his shirt right arm first, puts on his shoes left foot first.
he sits on his couch and turns on the tv and bursts into tears, hands covering his face.
he's sniffling when the doorbell rings, eyes bloodshot and blowing his nose when he finds yunho outside.
he lets him in and makes another cup of coffee and is busying himself by organizing his cans in alphabetical order when he feels yunho come behind him, wrap him in a hug.
"why are you so sad, changmin?"
changmin turns around. yunho looks perfect and valorous and charming in his uniform with the blue shirt and black pants and badge pinned on his front pocket.
"i don't know," he answers, truthfully, miserably.
yunho pulls him close and changmin breathes in the scent of shampoo in his hair.
---
it’s the last day of his first week of therapy and his doctor smiles at him and tells him he sees no reason to continue the visits.
changmin's done nothing but talk the last three days, about everything and anything, and yesterday he'd even cried again, cried and laughed and smiled.
---
"why'd you take me home that first day?" changmin asks yunho as yunho lays half inside of the cabinet underneath his sink and tries to fix the leak that's been growing for two months now.
yunho reaches his hand out and searches for something, and changmin toes the screwdriver into his reach. his voice is muffled as he answers. "you just looked so sad... like if i didn't make sure you didn't get home safe, you'd have thrown yourself off a bridge halfway here."
changmin looks down at yunho's feet. "but you left me here. how'd you know i wouldn't kill myself when you left?"
yunho says nothing for the longest time, and changmin sighs and begins to shuffle away when a hand reaches out and grabs him by the ankle. yunho is shuffling out of the cabinet, and he looks up at changmin.
changmin remembers, that first time, all the pity he'd seen on his face.
now it's something soft and new and it brings flutters to changmin's stomach.
"when you fell asleep..." yunho starts. ”when you fell asleep, i just- knew. i could feel it in my stomach. i'd see you again." yunho smiles, bright and blinding, and his hands slips under the leg of changmin's jeans and strokes his ankle.
---
one day changmin watches a police chase on tv. it's happening on a street not too far from his and he decides, then and there, that if yunho doesn't come home that night, there is nothing in the world that would be able to stop him from taking his favorite tie and hanging himself in the bathroom with it.
---
yunho comes to his apartment with tired eyes and a triumphant smile. "got them," he announces.
changmin bites his lips together and walks away without a word.
yunho follows. "changmin? are you okay? changmin-"
yunho stares at the tie made into a makeshift noose, hanging from the shower curtain rod.
changmin looks down at his feet, hands twisting together. "you had ten more minutes," he says in a whisper. "ten minutes and i was going to-"
yunho grabs his shoulders. he doesn't yell, but he shakes changmin back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. "don't you- don't you ever-"
changmin opens his mouth, unsure of what to say, but wanting to say anything to take that horrible heartbroken look off of yunho's face. yunho kisses him before he can make a sound.
he kisses him harsh, teeth cutting, pushing changmin into the wall of the hallway and holding a hand around his throat. changmin moans, breathes into him, holds onto yunho's waist. yunho pulls away with a sound coming deep within his chest, and he hugs changmin as if changmin could turn into a wisp of smoke and vanish into the air.
---
"sir, do you know that you were going sixty-five in a fifty-five zone?"
changmin bites his lips as he looks up. "i didn't realize sir, i'm sorry."
"where are you heading to in such a hurry?"
changmin can't help his smile. "i have a date tonight. i didn't want to be late."
yunho reaches in and clutches changmin's arm, hard enough to leave bruises he will kiss later that night. "don't. it's better to be late then to be dead."
changmin nods. "yes sir."
yunho lets him go with a soft sigh. "how about i follow you there to make sure you get there okay?"
"are you allowed to do that?"
yunho finally smiles. "i'll make an exception for you."
---
back at home, inside the bedroom, yunho kisses him and kisses him and kisses him. "i love you. if i could, i'd keep you in a bottle in my pocket to make sure you'd never get hurt." he sighs. "accidentally or on purpose."
changmin thinks of all the days of waking up and never wanting to. he thinks of all the days of wondering why it was worth it. he looks at yunho and the way yunho is looking at him as if he's never seen anything like him before, as if yunho has no idea what's coming next. it's the most amazing thing changmin's ever seen.
so he kisses yunho again, holds yunho's hand palm down against his heart. "i love you too," he tells him, all his promises and hopes and dreams carried in his voice. yunho smiles and changmin smiles back.
r - changmin/yunho
1478ws
"sir, do you know that you were going ninety in a fifty-five zone?"
changmin drops his head to the steering wheel he's gripping with white knuckles. "yes sir."
"then why were you doing it?"
changmin chuckles, soft, which turns into full blown laughter, shoulders shaking and tears in his eyes. "i was trying to go through the fucking window."
---
changmin gets a ticket and a court order to visit a psychiatrist every day for two weeks. it's going to cost him two hundred dollars an hour for two hours every day, and the government offers to pay for half.
it makes changmin laugh as he signs his court papers.
"mr. shim?"
he turns around, wiping the tears from his eyes, and the officer who arrested him is staring at him, eyes filled with pity.
"yeah?" the pity Changmin sees makes him angry sad heartbroken tired and his hand shakes as he finishes his signature.
"are you- do you need a ride home?"
changmin's answer is a shrug.
the officer takes him by the arm, softly, and leads him out to a dark nondescript suv. he opens the door for changmin, closes it for him when he slides in, and they drive in silence as changmin leans his forehead against the window. when they get to his apartment, the officer opens his door again, takes his arm again, closes the door behind him again. he leads him into the apartment building, up the stairs to his apartment and for a moment they stand in front of the door.
it takes changmin a moment to realize that they're standing there because he has to open the door for them to go inside.
it takes him another moment to find his keys, another moment to open the door. the officers leads him inside, sits him at his couch. changmin watches him blankly as the other man kneels in front of him, slides off his shoes.
the officer looks up at him, eyes unreadable this time, and changmin doesn't know how long he stares, but when he blinks, he opens his eyes to the living room being nightfall dark.
he rubs at his eyes and sits up from the couch, even though he doesn't really want to, not at all.
he wants to sleep forever. no... that's only a pretty acceptable way to say it.
changmin wants to be dead.
---
when he walks out of his first therapy session, a wasted two hours of telling the smiling psychiatrist absolutely nothing, the officer is waiting by the door, arms and legs crosses as he leans against his suv. he's staring absent-mindedly into the distance when changmin walks up to him, smiles when he sees changmin.
"want a ride home?"
changmin nods.
---
it isn't that changmin is depressed, because he's not, not quite, not in the way the doctors want him to be.
changmin has just decided that there isn't much reason for him to be alive.
he's can't blame it on college because he graduated three years ago. he can't blame it on work because he's the founder and owner of a small computer security company. he can't blame it on his love life because he's had steady girlfriends and boyfriends.
he just woke up one morning and decided that there was absolutely no passion in his life and he didn't want to wake up another morning just to do the same thing over and over and over again.
---
changmin wakes up and takes a shower. he makes coffee in his boxers and drinks it in his jeans. he reads the newspaper from start to finish while he eats toast. he puts on his shirt right arm first, puts on his shoes left foot first.
he sits on his couch and turns on the tv and bursts into tears, hands covering his face.
he's sniffling when the doorbell rings, eyes bloodshot and blowing his nose when he finds yunho outside.
he lets him in and makes another cup of coffee and is busying himself by organizing his cans in alphabetical order when he feels yunho come behind him, wrap him in a hug.
"why are you so sad, changmin?"
changmin turns around. yunho looks perfect and valorous and charming in his uniform with the blue shirt and black pants and badge pinned on his front pocket.
"i don't know," he answers, truthfully, miserably.
yunho pulls him close and changmin breathes in the scent of shampoo in his hair.
---
it’s the last day of his first week of therapy and his doctor smiles at him and tells him he sees no reason to continue the visits.
changmin's done nothing but talk the last three days, about everything and anything, and yesterday he'd even cried again, cried and laughed and smiled.
---
"why'd you take me home that first day?" changmin asks yunho as yunho lays half inside of the cabinet underneath his sink and tries to fix the leak that's been growing for two months now.
yunho reaches his hand out and searches for something, and changmin toes the screwdriver into his reach. his voice is muffled as he answers. "you just looked so sad... like if i didn't make sure you didn't get home safe, you'd have thrown yourself off a bridge halfway here."
changmin looks down at yunho's feet. "but you left me here. how'd you know i wouldn't kill myself when you left?"
yunho says nothing for the longest time, and changmin sighs and begins to shuffle away when a hand reaches out and grabs him by the ankle. yunho is shuffling out of the cabinet, and he looks up at changmin.
changmin remembers, that first time, all the pity he'd seen on his face.
now it's something soft and new and it brings flutters to changmin's stomach.
"when you fell asleep..." yunho starts. ”when you fell asleep, i just- knew. i could feel it in my stomach. i'd see you again." yunho smiles, bright and blinding, and his hands slips under the leg of changmin's jeans and strokes his ankle.
---
one day changmin watches a police chase on tv. it's happening on a street not too far from his and he decides, then and there, that if yunho doesn't come home that night, there is nothing in the world that would be able to stop him from taking his favorite tie and hanging himself in the bathroom with it.
---
yunho comes to his apartment with tired eyes and a triumphant smile. "got them," he announces.
changmin bites his lips together and walks away without a word.
yunho follows. "changmin? are you okay? changmin-"
yunho stares at the tie made into a makeshift noose, hanging from the shower curtain rod.
changmin looks down at his feet, hands twisting together. "you had ten more minutes," he says in a whisper. "ten minutes and i was going to-"
yunho grabs his shoulders. he doesn't yell, but he shakes changmin back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. "don't you- don't you ever-"
changmin opens his mouth, unsure of what to say, but wanting to say anything to take that horrible heartbroken look off of yunho's face. yunho kisses him before he can make a sound.
he kisses him harsh, teeth cutting, pushing changmin into the wall of the hallway and holding a hand around his throat. changmin moans, breathes into him, holds onto yunho's waist. yunho pulls away with a sound coming deep within his chest, and he hugs changmin as if changmin could turn into a wisp of smoke and vanish into the air.
---
"sir, do you know that you were going sixty-five in a fifty-five zone?"
changmin bites his lips as he looks up. "i didn't realize sir, i'm sorry."
"where are you heading to in such a hurry?"
changmin can't help his smile. "i have a date tonight. i didn't want to be late."
yunho reaches in and clutches changmin's arm, hard enough to leave bruises he will kiss later that night. "don't. it's better to be late then to be dead."
changmin nods. "yes sir."
yunho lets him go with a soft sigh. "how about i follow you there to make sure you get there okay?"
"are you allowed to do that?"
yunho finally smiles. "i'll make an exception for you."
---
back at home, inside the bedroom, yunho kisses him and kisses him and kisses him. "i love you. if i could, i'd keep you in a bottle in my pocket to make sure you'd never get hurt." he sighs. "accidentally or on purpose."
changmin thinks of all the days of waking up and never wanting to. he thinks of all the days of wondering why it was worth it. he looks at yunho and the way yunho is looking at him as if he's never seen anything like him before, as if yunho has no idea what's coming next. it's the most amazing thing changmin's ever seen.
so he kisses yunho again, holds yunho's hand palm down against his heart. "i love you too," he tells him, all his promises and hopes and dreams carried in his voice. yunho smiles and changmin smiles back.