Illegal T00bs Post! - A Madman's Mercy
Sorry about the delay, and my missed posting a few weeks ago. I can honestly say it was my fault. I hope this chapter makes up for it.
Title: A Madman's Mercy (Ch 4)
Author: jacyevans and cinnamon_kisses
Rating: NC-17
Category: Angst
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Summary: New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is lead to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.
A/N: maerhys, you are too good to me - thank you again for the beta <3
Edward wasn't sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. I peered around the room for him, as if I expected him to be hiding in a corner somewhere.
Alice was standing at the door, my bag on her shoulder. "Jasper has him waiting rather anxiously in the car for you, so let's get a move on before he decides to barge back in here and carry you out himself." I rolled my eyes, but followed her down the stairs and out the door.
Emmett was waiting for us on the porch and gave me a hug that almost cracked my ribs. He ruffled Alice's hair, and she ducked out of the way, glaring playfully. "Take care of him, will you?"
"Of course I will," I told him, as if that were the most obvious thing in the world. As if there was any way I couldn't take care of Edward.
Esme approached me next. She folded me into her arms, then joined Carlisle, taking his hand. "Take care of yourself as well," Carlisle told me with a smile.
Tanya surprised all of us by leaning down and kissing my cheek. "It was nice meeting you, Bella. I hope we'll see each other again."
I nodded, but I wasn't sure how to respond. What could I say? When this was all over, there was no way I would ever be able to come back here again.
Edward was waiting for me in the backseat as I hopped into the car. His face smoothed into a less anxious expression as I took his hand and Jasper pulled out onto the road. The ride was mostly silent, except for the occasional quiet mumbling from Edward. I smoothed my fingers over his knuckles, trying my best to keep him calm, but not entirely sure how. I knew things weren't going to go as smoothly as planned as soon as Jasper pushed open the doors to the airport.
There were too many people here. Edward was on overload. His eyes darted everywhere, taking in his surroundings. I didn't want him to crash and burn before we'd even gotten on the damn airplane.
I pulled Edward over to a corner where there were less people and sat him down. He was surprisingly cooperative, allowing me to guide him around and push him down by his shoulders into a chair. I placed my hands on his face and forced him to look at me.
"I need you to focus on me, Edward, just me. Don't think about anyone else. Pretend they're not here."
"They're in my head, they're all inside my head," he muttered, closing his eyes.
"Look at me, Edward." He opened his eyes. I still wasn't used to Edward actually listening to everything I asked him to do. "Tell me what you hear."
He stared at me for a moment, and his brow furrowed. "Nothing."
I smiled. "Exactly. So," I stood up and held out my hand to him. "Don't listen to anyone else's thoughts but mine. Okay?"
"But... you don't have any," Edward said, and his voice was so quiet and confused that I couldn't be angry at him, even if I did hear Jasper's chuckles and Alice's tinkling laughter from behind me.
I could feel my lips twitching. "Thanks, Edward," I said dryly. I was shocked as he actually tried to smile.
"Nice save, Bella," Alice murmured. She smirked. "And you said you couldn't do this."
I rolled my eyes.
"All right, time to go check in," Alice said. Edward clutched my hand a little too tightly as I towed him along. He was tense, scared even, as we approached the counter, but he kept his eyes on me. I talked quietly to him as Alice and Jasper took care of the details.
"We're going on a plane ride, Edward, but when that's over, we're going to an island - just you and me. There won't be anyone else's thoughts to bother you. Won't that be nice?"
Edward nodded slowly, but there was something in his eyes...something like...fear? "You won't go away, will you? You won't leave me alone?"
"I'm not going anywhere," I told him, frowning. Why would he think I was going to leave him? I wanted to know what was going on in his head, and I thought perhaps he would tell me, but this wasn't the time or place to ask.
"All done," Alice announced, handing me my passport and ticket, along with Edward's. "Our flight leaves in one hour. We should get to the gate now. They'll be boarding soon."
"Okay." Alice and Jasper led the way, holding hands like any young couple in love - although 'young' was a relative term. I was very much aware of the farce that Edward and I presented, also holding hands - but out of necessity now, rather than any love on his end.
When the woman at the gate called our flight, I handed her my both my ticket and Edward's, flashing her both of our passports. I rocked back and forth on my heels impatiently as she checked to make sure the names and pictures matched. I could see the not-so-subtle glances she was shooting Edward, and felt a bolt of possessiveness shoot through me. I squeezed his hand a bit tighter when he winced.
The woman finally handed me back the tickets and the passports and smiled. "Thank you very much, enjoy your flight," she said in one breath, ushering us along quickly.
"Are you okay?" I asked him once we were out of earshot of everyone but Alice and Jasper, who had somehow managed to hang back and wait for us.
Edward looked at me for a few moments, and I realized he was trying to center himself. I sighed, wondering if this was going to take longer than the two weeks Alice had envisioned initially. "She was thinking very loudly."
I nodded, but did not question him further. I had no desire to know what the woman had been thinking, if he'd even been able to make out her thoughts clearly. No doubt they were either very rude or very lewd. Or a combination of both.
One of the stewardesses met us at the door to the plane and showed us to our seats - First Class, of course. Alice would settle for nothing less. Alice and Jasper sat in the two seats directly behind Edward and I. Edward sat next to the window with the shade pulled down. Lucky for us, the sky was cloudy, and would be for the duration of our trip. Alice could see that much.
After refusing any food, drink or hot towels and buckling my seatbelt for take-off, I returned my eyes to Edward. He hadn't put on his seatbelt, so I awkwardly did it for him, knowing that the flight attendant wouldn't take "he's indestructible" for an answer. That, however, was the least of our problems, I realized. Edward's face was distorted in such a way that suggested physical pain, something I'd never really seen on him before. It disturbed me.
"It's the pressure," Jasper explained, sensing my alarm. "They just sealed the cabin. We have...heightened senses. Airplanes are rather uncomfortable for us. It's only going to get worse."
"Great," I sighed. I took Edward's hand and stroked his skin in what I hoped was a soothing manner. He closed his eyes, and seemed content until we took off and started gaining altitude. Then he scrunched his face up in discomfort and pressed his head hard against the wall beside him - hard enough to crack the plastic.
"Edward," I said quickly, knowing I needed to intervene before he went right through the plane. But this was actual, physical pain for Edward - exacerbated, clearly, by his current problems, but not caused by them. He needed a distraction.
"Edward, will you do something for me?" I asked, waiting for him to look at me with his wide, golden eyes. "Will you hum a song for me? Any song. Just focus on the music."
He frowned and looked a little puzzled by the request, but he started humming. Right away I recognized the strains of my lullaby. I shut my eyes tightly and turned my head, lest he see how my heart was breaking. Why did he have to choose that melody? And why hadn't I anticipated the possibility when I asked?
"Bella?" he whispered after the first time through. "Do you want me to stop?"
I turned my face back to him and forced a bright smile. "No, keep going. Hum me something else now. Please?"
Edward slipped into some other composition, and only then did I feel Jasper shooting drugging waves of calm my way. I relaxed into my seat, but I shot the two vampires behind me a glare anyway.
Alice just smiled, but it was a kind smile. "Ease up a little, Bella," she told me. "This isn't going to end as badly as you think."
"You can't know that," I whispered back to her. Edward's humming faltered, and I squeezed his hand to signal him to continue. "You can't see him right now."
"This isn't my visions talking, Bella," Alice said. "Just instinct."
"Instinct, she says," I grumbled. I leaned my head back against the seat, closing my eyes and trying to focus on nothing but Edward's humming. The situation was rather ironic, really - I was focusing on Edward's voice, while he was focusing on me, both of us trying to stay sane, if in different capacities. I sighed. We were a disaster.
Jasper groaned, "Bella." I opened my eyes and jumped, startled to see his head peeking at me from between the seats. "I know this is difficult, but feeling sorry for yourself is not going to make things any better." His voice was gentle and soothing, not meant to scold me, but I still blushed, staring down at my lap. I played with a frayed thread on the edge of my shirt.
"Sorry, Jasper," I muttered. He was right, of course. Bringing myself down was going to get me nowhere. No matter what happened, I had to stay strong. For Edward.
Edward squeezed my hand and kept humming quietly, this time to the tune of Claire de Lune. I smiled and closed my eyes again. I didn't realize I'd dozed off until I heard whispers behind me.
"Shouldn't we wake her?"
Alice shushed him. "Not yet. Wait."
My eyelids fluttered open only when I felt a hand caressing my face. I was unsurprised to see Edward staring down at me. I smiled at him. "Are you okay?"
He nodded. "I like watching you sleep," he said quietly.
I held his hand against my cheek, struggling to keep the smile on my face. His words were a shadow of the old Edward, which was a double-edged sword - the reminder made my heart ache, but I was thrilled to see him already slowly returning to himself.
"We're about to land," Alice told me, leaning her arms on the top of my seat. "Carlisle already rented a car for us, and it's about a half hour drive to the docks."
Edward's face was pained again as we made our final descent, but once the cabin doors opened again, he seemed fine. Going into the airport was another story. Edward froze in the tunnel off the plane, probably the moment the wave of thoughts hit him. Jasper had to subtly restrain him from running back onto the plane, and I had to talk him down from his panic.
Getting through customs was nearly impossible with Edward so unresponsive. Alice told the person - in perfect Portuguese - that Edward was a deaf-mute. Edward was muttering to himself, so I don't think she believed Alice for a second, but she was eventually convinced to let him through.
I sat with Edward on an out-of-the-way bench while Alice and Jasper went to baggage claim.
"It's so loud," he whimpered. I could understand why he was overwhelmed. This airport was huge compared to the one in Alaska, and he could barely handle his family's thoughts.
His hands were over his face, shaking. I gently tried to pry them away, but he was resisting. "Edward, focus on me, remember? It'll be quiet again."
Edward shook his head, eyes shut tight beneath his tense hands.
"Come on, Edward, focus on my voice. I'm right here. Look at me," I pleaded, still tugging on his wrists. He finally relented, dropping his hands to his lap, and opened his eyes.
"You with me?" I asked, holding eye contact. "We'll be out of here soon. All alone. No more thoughts. It's going to be okay."
He nodded slowly, looking at me so intensely that, under other circumstances, I would have been embarrassed. "You have a new freckle," he told me, frowning. "Right here..." His index finger touched a spot beneath my left ear.
"Well, that happens...people get freckles," I said, puzzled.
Still, he kept tracing the spot, frowning to himself...making my heart pound faster than it had any right to these days.
"We're all...set," Alice's voice faltered as she took the two of us in, me still as a statue trying to calm my racing heart, Edward with his hand still moving in nonsense patterns against my neck. I don't think she'd been expecting to find the two of us in such a position. I certainly hadn't been.
Jasper coughed, dispelling some of the tension and putting all of us at ease. My bag was slung across his shoulder, and he was carrying both his and Edward's suitcases in his hands. I wondered if anyone would question how one person could carry so much weight and not look at all strained.
"The car is already out front," he said, turning towards the doors. I stood up, and Edward's hand fell from my neck. I missed his touch instantly. I took his hand in mine and followed Jasper, who rolled his eyes as soon as he saw the car Alice had Carlisle pick out.
"A yellow Porsche," he said, astonished. He turned to Alice, a look somewhere between amused and annoyed on his face. "Alice, really."
"If we're going to travel, we might as well do so in style." Jasper rolled his eyes as Alice grinned, dropping her bags at Jasper’s feet and jumping in the driver's seat.
Jasper struggled to make the luggage fit in the small trunk, grumbling something about style being undersized. Alice, naturally, ignored him.
Edward and I were squished into the very limited backseat, under the rationale that I couldn't keep him calm from the front seat. I had my doubts about that conclusion, but I went along with it anyway.
Edward did much better in the car. Alice's crazy driving (crazier than Edward's, if possible) had us moving so fast that I doubt he could catch many thoughts before they fell out of range.
Alice made the supposed half-hour drive to the docks in twenty. She led the way to a rather hi-tech looking speedboat tied up in the nicer end of the docks. I wasn't a big fan of boats - I'd only ever been on them fishing with Charlie, and I'd fallen out a few times.
Alice danced on board, immediately taking the wheel. It didn't surprise me that she was as eager to drive the boat as she was the Porsche. Jasper followed easily with all of the luggage, but I hung back, very aware of the small gap between the dock. It was only a few inches, but I knew my own clumsiness very well.
Suddenly, two hands grabbed me by the waist and lifted me into the boat. I gasped, landing on my feet, and turned to find Edward hopping in behind me. He smiled almost shyly.
"Thank you," I managed.
"You're welcome," he murmured quietly. He sat down and slowly reached out his hand. I weaved his fingers through mine and carefully maneuvered my way over, sitting beside him. As soon as I was seated, Alice pulled away from the docks. Jasper was standing behind her, perfectly balanced. I probably would have fallen straight out of the boat had I tried standing while we were moving at this speed.
The farther away from the mainland we moved, the more Edward seemed to relax. His grip on my hand loosened, and the tightness to his shoulders that had been there since I'd first seen him back in Alaska eased.
Alice giggled and my eyes were drawn to where Jasper was standing with his hand around her waist, whispering something in her ear. I watched them, envious. They made their relationship look so easy, so perfect even if it wasn't. I glanced at Edward, wondering if I would ever have that kind of love again.
Edward looked down at me and smiled. He brushed his thumb against my cheek and held my gaze. I swallowed, heart racing as his fingers traced along my face.
"What are you thinking?" I asked him, confused by the tenderness in his eyes. This was a strange role-reversal, for me to so desperately want to know what was going through his head.
"I missed you," he said softly, just as his thumb brushed over my lips. My heart jerked into a panicked gallop. "I thought I would never see you again..."
"But you're the one who left," I said in spite of myself. The words tumbled out against my will. "You didn't have to go if you were going to miss me..."
I didn't realize I was crying until Edward's fingers swiped the tears away. "Oh, Bella, don't you see? I did. I had to go..."
Before I could argue or move away, Edward had me locked in his iron grip, clutched to his chest so tightly that I couldn't move an inch. And I cried, because it didn't matter how much he missed me; he still didn't love me. I knew, down to my bones, the thing I'd been denying since he'd gone away - that nothing would ever be right if Edward didn't love me.
"We're here," Alice said after a few minutes, and the boat came to a stop. I was glad for it, because Edward had to let go of me. Still, it was his hands that helped me out of the boat and onto the dock. I didn't know if I could do this. Would he be touching me like this the whole time, constantly reminding me of what was lost?
"Come on, Bella," Alice said, steering me toward the large house set back from the beach; I was too anxious to fully appreciate it. Jasper was left to take care of Edward and the luggage both.
"Look, don't worry so much," Alice whispered. "I know things seem a certain way to you right now, but appearances can be deceiving."
I shook my head and sighed. "What are you getting at, Alice?"
She pursed her lips in a frown. "All I'm saying, Bella, is that situations look different depending upon the perspective. I think you should consider the few days before we left from Edward's perspective. You might find...things aren't as clear-cut as they seem."
I swallowed heavily past the dread welling up in my chest. "I don't...I don't know if I can, Alice...I don't know if I can do any of this..."
"You can and you will," Alice said, walking me onto the front porch and through the doors. Her voice held a sense of finality I wasn't sure I was comfortable with considering she could no longer see Edward's future with or without me, as the case could be.
The entire house was decorated in shades of whites, similar enough to the Cullen home in Forks I was sure that, given time, I would probably feel comfortable. Jasper had set our suitcases down in a large bedroom, the centerpiece of which was a huge, white bed. I swallowed, realizing that this was the only bedroom in the house - not that Edward would consent to sleep anywhere but next to me in his current state.
Thinking about Edward made me turn, wondering why he wasn't in his usual place, stuck to my side.
"Jasper is keeping an eye on him," Alice said, knowing my question before I asked. "He thought you might want a few minutes to yourself after your breakdown in the boat." I flushed, only now realizing that I'd had more than one witness to my crying jag. "He's sitting in the living room."
I nodded and walked over to the far wall, which was made mostly of glass. I watched the sun set over the ocean, wrapping my arms around myself and wondering at Alice's words while she unpacked at record speed. How could things have been any different than what they seemed? Edward clung to me because right now, he needed me, but in the end... I shivered.
"You're all set, Bella." I turned as Jasper entered the room. "There's food in the cabinets and refrigerator," he frowned. "I hope I put everything where it's supposed to be."
Alice giggled at the confused look on his face, standing from where she had just finished shoving my now empty duffel bag into the closet. "I'm sure you managed." She kissed him on the cheek. "I'm going to go say goodbye to Edward." She practically danced out of the room.
The thought of them leaving made my heart plummet to my feet. Jasper put a hand on my shoulder, and I immediately felt myself calm. "Alice is right, you know. Everything is going to work out."
I smiled at him wryly. "Did you suddenly inherit her gift of foresight?"
He laughed. "Let's just say emotions don't lie as well as people can. If you could feel what I felt," he shook his head, "Bella, you wouldn't have any doubts, even now."
He dropped his hand from my shoulder, leaving me quite confused in his wake. I was still staring after him when Alice threw her arms around my waist with enthusiasm, knocking all of the wind out of me.
"Oof - Jeez, Alice, knock me over why don't you."
"I'm a bit more careful than that, thank you very much," she quipped, squeezing me gently to prove her point. "Remember we're only a phone call away if you need us."
"Technically, you're also a boat ride away," I said smirking.
She narrowed her eyes, but I could see her lips twitching. "I'm trying to be sweet, and you're getting smart. And to think, I'm actually going to miss this."
I sighed. "I'll miss you, too." I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting past the tears suddenly welling up in my eyes. "Bye, Alice"
"Bye, Bella." She kissed my cheek. "And no crying. Remember - no worrying, everything fine." She smiled, and I followed her as she joined Jasper out on the porch. I watched them as they crossed the beach, until they were out of sight.
"Bella?" I closed my eyes at the sound of Edward's voice from the couch. We were finally alone - really alone. Now came the hard part.
Title: A Madman's Mercy (Ch 4)
Author: jacyevans and cinnamon_kisses
Rating: NC-17
Category: Angst
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Summary: New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is lead to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.
A/N: maerhys, you are too good to me - thank you again for the beta <3
Edward wasn't sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. I peered around the room for him, as if I expected him to be hiding in a corner somewhere.
Alice was standing at the door, my bag on her shoulder. "Jasper has him waiting rather anxiously in the car for you, so let's get a move on before he decides to barge back in here and carry you out himself." I rolled my eyes, but followed her down the stairs and out the door.
Emmett was waiting for us on the porch and gave me a hug that almost cracked my ribs. He ruffled Alice's hair, and she ducked out of the way, glaring playfully. "Take care of him, will you?"
"Of course I will," I told him, as if that were the most obvious thing in the world. As if there was any way I couldn't take care of Edward.
Esme approached me next. She folded me into her arms, then joined Carlisle, taking his hand. "Take care of yourself as well," Carlisle told me with a smile.
Tanya surprised all of us by leaning down and kissing my cheek. "It was nice meeting you, Bella. I hope we'll see each other again."
I nodded, but I wasn't sure how to respond. What could I say? When this was all over, there was no way I would ever be able to come back here again.
Edward was waiting for me in the backseat as I hopped into the car. His face smoothed into a less anxious expression as I took his hand and Jasper pulled out onto the road. The ride was mostly silent, except for the occasional quiet mumbling from Edward. I smoothed my fingers over his knuckles, trying my best to keep him calm, but not entirely sure how. I knew things weren't going to go as smoothly as planned as soon as Jasper pushed open the doors to the airport.
There were too many people here. Edward was on overload. His eyes darted everywhere, taking in his surroundings. I didn't want him to crash and burn before we'd even gotten on the damn airplane.
I pulled Edward over to a corner where there were less people and sat him down. He was surprisingly cooperative, allowing me to guide him around and push him down by his shoulders into a chair. I placed my hands on his face and forced him to look at me.
"I need you to focus on me, Edward, just me. Don't think about anyone else. Pretend they're not here."
"They're in my head, they're all inside my head," he muttered, closing his eyes.
"Look at me, Edward." He opened his eyes. I still wasn't used to Edward actually listening to everything I asked him to do. "Tell me what you hear."
He stared at me for a moment, and his brow furrowed. "Nothing."
I smiled. "Exactly. So," I stood up and held out my hand to him. "Don't listen to anyone else's thoughts but mine. Okay?"
"But... you don't have any," Edward said, and his voice was so quiet and confused that I couldn't be angry at him, even if I did hear Jasper's chuckles and Alice's tinkling laughter from behind me.
I could feel my lips twitching. "Thanks, Edward," I said dryly. I was shocked as he actually tried to smile.
"Nice save, Bella," Alice murmured. She smirked. "And you said you couldn't do this."
I rolled my eyes.
"All right, time to go check in," Alice said. Edward clutched my hand a little too tightly as I towed him along. He was tense, scared even, as we approached the counter, but he kept his eyes on me. I talked quietly to him as Alice and Jasper took care of the details.
"We're going on a plane ride, Edward, but when that's over, we're going to an island - just you and me. There won't be anyone else's thoughts to bother you. Won't that be nice?"
Edward nodded slowly, but there was something in his eyes...something like...fear? "You won't go away, will you? You won't leave me alone?"
"I'm not going anywhere," I told him, frowning. Why would he think I was going to leave him? I wanted to know what was going on in his head, and I thought perhaps he would tell me, but this wasn't the time or place to ask.
"All done," Alice announced, handing me my passport and ticket, along with Edward's. "Our flight leaves in one hour. We should get to the gate now. They'll be boarding soon."
"Okay." Alice and Jasper led the way, holding hands like any young couple in love - although 'young' was a relative term. I was very much aware of the farce that Edward and I presented, also holding hands - but out of necessity now, rather than any love on his end.
When the woman at the gate called our flight, I handed her my both my ticket and Edward's, flashing her both of our passports. I rocked back and forth on my heels impatiently as she checked to make sure the names and pictures matched. I could see the not-so-subtle glances she was shooting Edward, and felt a bolt of possessiveness shoot through me. I squeezed his hand a bit tighter when he winced.
The woman finally handed me back the tickets and the passports and smiled. "Thank you very much, enjoy your flight," she said in one breath, ushering us along quickly.
"Are you okay?" I asked him once we were out of earshot of everyone but Alice and Jasper, who had somehow managed to hang back and wait for us.
Edward looked at me for a few moments, and I realized he was trying to center himself. I sighed, wondering if this was going to take longer than the two weeks Alice had envisioned initially. "She was thinking very loudly."
I nodded, but did not question him further. I had no desire to know what the woman had been thinking, if he'd even been able to make out her thoughts clearly. No doubt they were either very rude or very lewd. Or a combination of both.
One of the stewardesses met us at the door to the plane and showed us to our seats - First Class, of course. Alice would settle for nothing less. Alice and Jasper sat in the two seats directly behind Edward and I. Edward sat next to the window with the shade pulled down. Lucky for us, the sky was cloudy, and would be for the duration of our trip. Alice could see that much.
After refusing any food, drink or hot towels and buckling my seatbelt for take-off, I returned my eyes to Edward. He hadn't put on his seatbelt, so I awkwardly did it for him, knowing that the flight attendant wouldn't take "he's indestructible" for an answer. That, however, was the least of our problems, I realized. Edward's face was distorted in such a way that suggested physical pain, something I'd never really seen on him before. It disturbed me.
"It's the pressure," Jasper explained, sensing my alarm. "They just sealed the cabin. We have...heightened senses. Airplanes are rather uncomfortable for us. It's only going to get worse."
"Great," I sighed. I took Edward's hand and stroked his skin in what I hoped was a soothing manner. He closed his eyes, and seemed content until we took off and started gaining altitude. Then he scrunched his face up in discomfort and pressed his head hard against the wall beside him - hard enough to crack the plastic.
"Edward," I said quickly, knowing I needed to intervene before he went right through the plane. But this was actual, physical pain for Edward - exacerbated, clearly, by his current problems, but not caused by them. He needed a distraction.
"Edward, will you do something for me?" I asked, waiting for him to look at me with his wide, golden eyes. "Will you hum a song for me? Any song. Just focus on the music."
He frowned and looked a little puzzled by the request, but he started humming. Right away I recognized the strains of my lullaby. I shut my eyes tightly and turned my head, lest he see how my heart was breaking. Why did he have to choose that melody? And why hadn't I anticipated the possibility when I asked?
"Bella?" he whispered after the first time through. "Do you want me to stop?"
I turned my face back to him and forced a bright smile. "No, keep going. Hum me something else now. Please?"
Edward slipped into some other composition, and only then did I feel Jasper shooting drugging waves of calm my way. I relaxed into my seat, but I shot the two vampires behind me a glare anyway.
Alice just smiled, but it was a kind smile. "Ease up a little, Bella," she told me. "This isn't going to end as badly as you think."
"You can't know that," I whispered back to her. Edward's humming faltered, and I squeezed his hand to signal him to continue. "You can't see him right now."
"This isn't my visions talking, Bella," Alice said. "Just instinct."
"Instinct, she says," I grumbled. I leaned my head back against the seat, closing my eyes and trying to focus on nothing but Edward's humming. The situation was rather ironic, really - I was focusing on Edward's voice, while he was focusing on me, both of us trying to stay sane, if in different capacities. I sighed. We were a disaster.
Jasper groaned, "Bella." I opened my eyes and jumped, startled to see his head peeking at me from between the seats. "I know this is difficult, but feeling sorry for yourself is not going to make things any better." His voice was gentle and soothing, not meant to scold me, but I still blushed, staring down at my lap. I played with a frayed thread on the edge of my shirt.
"Sorry, Jasper," I muttered. He was right, of course. Bringing myself down was going to get me nowhere. No matter what happened, I had to stay strong. For Edward.
Edward squeezed my hand and kept humming quietly, this time to the tune of Claire de Lune. I smiled and closed my eyes again. I didn't realize I'd dozed off until I heard whispers behind me.
"Shouldn't we wake her?"
Alice shushed him. "Not yet. Wait."
My eyelids fluttered open only when I felt a hand caressing my face. I was unsurprised to see Edward staring down at me. I smiled at him. "Are you okay?"
He nodded. "I like watching you sleep," he said quietly.
I held his hand against my cheek, struggling to keep the smile on my face. His words were a shadow of the old Edward, which was a double-edged sword - the reminder made my heart ache, but I was thrilled to see him already slowly returning to himself.
"We're about to land," Alice told me, leaning her arms on the top of my seat. "Carlisle already rented a car for us, and it's about a half hour drive to the docks."
Edward's face was pained again as we made our final descent, but once the cabin doors opened again, he seemed fine. Going into the airport was another story. Edward froze in the tunnel off the plane, probably the moment the wave of thoughts hit him. Jasper had to subtly restrain him from running back onto the plane, and I had to talk him down from his panic.
Getting through customs was nearly impossible with Edward so unresponsive. Alice told the person - in perfect Portuguese - that Edward was a deaf-mute. Edward was muttering to himself, so I don't think she believed Alice for a second, but she was eventually convinced to let him through.
I sat with Edward on an out-of-the-way bench while Alice and Jasper went to baggage claim.
"It's so loud," he whimpered. I could understand why he was overwhelmed. This airport was huge compared to the one in Alaska, and he could barely handle his family's thoughts.
His hands were over his face, shaking. I gently tried to pry them away, but he was resisting. "Edward, focus on me, remember? It'll be quiet again."
Edward shook his head, eyes shut tight beneath his tense hands.
"Come on, Edward, focus on my voice. I'm right here. Look at me," I pleaded, still tugging on his wrists. He finally relented, dropping his hands to his lap, and opened his eyes.
"You with me?" I asked, holding eye contact. "We'll be out of here soon. All alone. No more thoughts. It's going to be okay."
He nodded slowly, looking at me so intensely that, under other circumstances, I would have been embarrassed. "You have a new freckle," he told me, frowning. "Right here..." His index finger touched a spot beneath my left ear.
"Well, that happens...people get freckles," I said, puzzled.
Still, he kept tracing the spot, frowning to himself...making my heart pound faster than it had any right to these days.
"We're all...set," Alice's voice faltered as she took the two of us in, me still as a statue trying to calm my racing heart, Edward with his hand still moving in nonsense patterns against my neck. I don't think she'd been expecting to find the two of us in such a position. I certainly hadn't been.
Jasper coughed, dispelling some of the tension and putting all of us at ease. My bag was slung across his shoulder, and he was carrying both his and Edward's suitcases in his hands. I wondered if anyone would question how one person could carry so much weight and not look at all strained.
"The car is already out front," he said, turning towards the doors. I stood up, and Edward's hand fell from my neck. I missed his touch instantly. I took his hand in mine and followed Jasper, who rolled his eyes as soon as he saw the car Alice had Carlisle pick out.
"A yellow Porsche," he said, astonished. He turned to Alice, a look somewhere between amused and annoyed on his face. "Alice, really."
"If we're going to travel, we might as well do so in style." Jasper rolled his eyes as Alice grinned, dropping her bags at Jasper’s feet and jumping in the driver's seat.
Jasper struggled to make the luggage fit in the small trunk, grumbling something about style being undersized. Alice, naturally, ignored him.
Edward and I were squished into the very limited backseat, under the rationale that I couldn't keep him calm from the front seat. I had my doubts about that conclusion, but I went along with it anyway.
Edward did much better in the car. Alice's crazy driving (crazier than Edward's, if possible) had us moving so fast that I doubt he could catch many thoughts before they fell out of range.
Alice made the supposed half-hour drive to the docks in twenty. She led the way to a rather hi-tech looking speedboat tied up in the nicer end of the docks. I wasn't a big fan of boats - I'd only ever been on them fishing with Charlie, and I'd fallen out a few times.
Alice danced on board, immediately taking the wheel. It didn't surprise me that she was as eager to drive the boat as she was the Porsche. Jasper followed easily with all of the luggage, but I hung back, very aware of the small gap between the dock. It was only a few inches, but I knew my own clumsiness very well.
Suddenly, two hands grabbed me by the waist and lifted me into the boat. I gasped, landing on my feet, and turned to find Edward hopping in behind me. He smiled almost shyly.
"Thank you," I managed.
"You're welcome," he murmured quietly. He sat down and slowly reached out his hand. I weaved his fingers through mine and carefully maneuvered my way over, sitting beside him. As soon as I was seated, Alice pulled away from the docks. Jasper was standing behind her, perfectly balanced. I probably would have fallen straight out of the boat had I tried standing while we were moving at this speed.
The farther away from the mainland we moved, the more Edward seemed to relax. His grip on my hand loosened, and the tightness to his shoulders that had been there since I'd first seen him back in Alaska eased.
Alice giggled and my eyes were drawn to where Jasper was standing with his hand around her waist, whispering something in her ear. I watched them, envious. They made their relationship look so easy, so perfect even if it wasn't. I glanced at Edward, wondering if I would ever have that kind of love again.
Edward looked down at me and smiled. He brushed his thumb against my cheek and held my gaze. I swallowed, heart racing as his fingers traced along my face.
"What are you thinking?" I asked him, confused by the tenderness in his eyes. This was a strange role-reversal, for me to so desperately want to know what was going through his head.
"I missed you," he said softly, just as his thumb brushed over my lips. My heart jerked into a panicked gallop. "I thought I would never see you again..."
"But you're the one who left," I said in spite of myself. The words tumbled out against my will. "You didn't have to go if you were going to miss me..."
I didn't realize I was crying until Edward's fingers swiped the tears away. "Oh, Bella, don't you see? I did. I had to go..."
Before I could argue or move away, Edward had me locked in his iron grip, clutched to his chest so tightly that I couldn't move an inch. And I cried, because it didn't matter how much he missed me; he still didn't love me. I knew, down to my bones, the thing I'd been denying since he'd gone away - that nothing would ever be right if Edward didn't love me.
"We're here," Alice said after a few minutes, and the boat came to a stop. I was glad for it, because Edward had to let go of me. Still, it was his hands that helped me out of the boat and onto the dock. I didn't know if I could do this. Would he be touching me like this the whole time, constantly reminding me of what was lost?
"Come on, Bella," Alice said, steering me toward the large house set back from the beach; I was too anxious to fully appreciate it. Jasper was left to take care of Edward and the luggage both.
"Look, don't worry so much," Alice whispered. "I know things seem a certain way to you right now, but appearances can be deceiving."
I shook my head and sighed. "What are you getting at, Alice?"
She pursed her lips in a frown. "All I'm saying, Bella, is that situations look different depending upon the perspective. I think you should consider the few days before we left from Edward's perspective. You might find...things aren't as clear-cut as they seem."
I swallowed heavily past the dread welling up in my chest. "I don't...I don't know if I can, Alice...I don't know if I can do any of this..."
"You can and you will," Alice said, walking me onto the front porch and through the doors. Her voice held a sense of finality I wasn't sure I was comfortable with considering she could no longer see Edward's future with or without me, as the case could be.
The entire house was decorated in shades of whites, similar enough to the Cullen home in Forks I was sure that, given time, I would probably feel comfortable. Jasper had set our suitcases down in a large bedroom, the centerpiece of which was a huge, white bed. I swallowed, realizing that this was the only bedroom in the house - not that Edward would consent to sleep anywhere but next to me in his current state.
Thinking about Edward made me turn, wondering why he wasn't in his usual place, stuck to my side.
"Jasper is keeping an eye on him," Alice said, knowing my question before I asked. "He thought you might want a few minutes to yourself after your breakdown in the boat." I flushed, only now realizing that I'd had more than one witness to my crying jag. "He's sitting in the living room."
I nodded and walked over to the far wall, which was made mostly of glass. I watched the sun set over the ocean, wrapping my arms around myself and wondering at Alice's words while she unpacked at record speed. How could things have been any different than what they seemed? Edward clung to me because right now, he needed me, but in the end... I shivered.
"You're all set, Bella." I turned as Jasper entered the room. "There's food in the cabinets and refrigerator," he frowned. "I hope I put everything where it's supposed to be."
Alice giggled at the confused look on his face, standing from where she had just finished shoving my now empty duffel bag into the closet. "I'm sure you managed." She kissed him on the cheek. "I'm going to go say goodbye to Edward." She practically danced out of the room.
The thought of them leaving made my heart plummet to my feet. Jasper put a hand on my shoulder, and I immediately felt myself calm. "Alice is right, you know. Everything is going to work out."
I smiled at him wryly. "Did you suddenly inherit her gift of foresight?"
He laughed. "Let's just say emotions don't lie as well as people can. If you could feel what I felt," he shook his head, "Bella, you wouldn't have any doubts, even now."
He dropped his hand from my shoulder, leaving me quite confused in his wake. I was still staring after him when Alice threw her arms around my waist with enthusiasm, knocking all of the wind out of me.
"Oof - Jeez, Alice, knock me over why don't you."
"I'm a bit more careful than that, thank you very much," she quipped, squeezing me gently to prove her point. "Remember we're only a phone call away if you need us."
"Technically, you're also a boat ride away," I said smirking.
She narrowed her eyes, but I could see her lips twitching. "I'm trying to be sweet, and you're getting smart. And to think, I'm actually going to miss this."
I sighed. "I'll miss you, too." I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting past the tears suddenly welling up in my eyes. "Bye, Alice"
"Bye, Bella." She kissed my cheek. "And no crying. Remember - no worrying, everything fine." She smiled, and I followed her as she joined Jasper out on the porch. I watched them as they crossed the beach, until they were out of sight.
"Bella?" I closed my eyes at the sound of Edward's voice from the couch. We were finally alone - really alone. Now came the hard part.