Untitled #1 [Maximum Ride, Max, G]
It was early morning, probably about 6, when I woke up. Normally I would try to catch more Z’s, but I knew it would be impossible with all the thoughts running through my mind. Thankfully it’s my thoughts and not the Voice. Then again, I think I‘d rather listen to the voice.
I just don’t know what to do. The fact that I am saying that more frequently lately disturbs me. I hate not knowing what to do.
Just within the past couple of days so much has changed. Ari is now dead, thanks to yours truly. And all I can hear is Jeb screaming at me, “You killed your own brother!” But if he were my brother wouldn’t that make Jeb…
Sitting up, I tried to shake those thoughts from my mind. I don’t want to be connected to Jeb in any way outside of my past.
“You okay?” Fang asked, startling me. I thought I was the only one awake.
Opening my eyes I looked at him. I’m not sure how I should answer his question. Do I say no and explain; or do I shrug and say I’m fine?
No I can’t tell him I’m fine, because I am still trying to keep the lying bit down. And I’ve doing a good job of it lately too; hate to mess that up now.
Being considerate of the others sleeping I shifted a bit closer to him and talked in a low voice, “I just don’t know. I’m… confused. What if Ari were my …” I have to choke out the word, “brother?”
Fang didn’t say anything, just watched me as if waiting for me to continue. Or, at least, that is how I took it to mean.
“I killed Ari, Fang. I wasn’t trying to, but I did. How am I supposed to handle it if he were my brother? Just the thought of killing Ari makes me sick, but my own brother?”
“You didn’t know. And the fact is you weren’t trying to kill him. It was an accident.”
What I did next is something I don’t do in front of the flock or anyone for the matter. I broke down and cried.
Cried. Me, Maximum, cried.
It was embarrassing especially since it wasn’t just tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably like a baby. At least I was pretty much silent about it. It’s bad enough that I broke down in front of Fang, it would be even worse if the rest of the flock saw me.
When I finally calmed down Fang handed me a Kleenex that he had in his pocket. I quickly cleaned my face and blew my nose.
“To make it even more complicated, if Ari were my brother, then that would make Jeb…my...” I can’t say it. That thought alone makes me stomach queasy. Funny a month ago I wished for Jeb to be my…father. I can’t help the shiver as the title tickles into my mind.
“You could look at it this way, Max, at least then you’d know who your father was,” I know Fang was trying but honestly, was that supposed to make it better some how?
“I’d much rather go on not knowing.”
“Rather not know what?” the Gasman asked as he woke up.
I sighed, “Nothing.”
The conversation was over, thankfully, I was getting restless. Flying sounds real good about now. Thankfully we have a long trip a head of us to get to Washington, D.C.