(no subject)
Ah-hah! If this entry doesn't show how much of a worry-wart I am, then nothing will.
Since having the sucker gut punch of hell slammed into my metaphysical stomach followed by a kick to the groin from fate and leaving me moaning and groaning on the floor while gasping for air, I've been slowing restitching my world back together. So far, I like what I've done with the place.
I don't hold nearly as much back as I used to, but I still try to say it nicely. If you don't want to hear the truth as I see it, don't effing ask. It's that simple. I'm also trying to get better at standing up for myself; I think I'm getting better at it. I'm not sure... *shrug* It's so much easier to strike fear into the hearts of others before they even get close than to tell them exactly what you think of them when you think it. Or when they're busy saying what they think of you in the moment.
I'm trying to say what I feel in the moment instead of holding it back. Some of it, I /know/ is temporary. I swear to you that I'm not a whiny person, and I rarely get depressed. I get frustrated with situations, but I'm beginning to think that's human. I beat myself up, trying to figure out what I did wrong with the situation. I also have this tendency to obsess over issues and force myself to try and find a solution. That doesn't always work when it's just a personality clash.
But like I was implying, I've arrived at a cross roads in my life that's all going to come crashing down in a year. And I feel like I'm hyperventilating under the weight of it all, but I'm still holding it. The main issues that have been reappearing again and again here lately is an overwhelming sense of guilt and where I'm currently setting a precedent for my life or not.
The guilt thing is neither here nor there at the moment, and I've pretty much got that one solved. There are only certain people in my life that can make me feel abhorrently guilty. And I ask myself why do I let them make me feel that way. They can only make me feel guilty if I let them, and it's getting to the point where I feel guilty even if they aren't purposely trying to make me feel guilty.
Now for the thought that's preoccupying my spare thinking time. I fear I've set a precedent for my life where my career comes before everything else. I know I will have a wonderfully successful and fulfilling career part of my life, if that makes any sense. I worry that I'll come home to an empty apartment. And if that's my lot, then so be it.
I work hard and relentlessly because I feel like my work is the only thing that I've got in life worth anything. It's the one thing I feel I can offer the world and still be accepted. Also, I've come to realize that my friendships are fleeting as best. People forget easily, or I change too quickly. I'm not quite sure yet. I also suck at making people feel needed. And it certainly doesn't help that I've labored under the mantra of "I can fight my own demons", which is reinforced by friends' actions when I have reached out for help. There are a lot of time that no one wants to talk to me when I'm feeling down or angry or in a bad mood or life has thrown something else at me (like the amazing amount of death I've had to deal with). Their problems are more important, always have been. Someone will always have it worse than I ever will, and I get thrown off to the side.
And often enough, I just find myself alone, dealing with these monsters. And it's no one's fault; that's just the way the dice landed. No one's available, or something more important has come up.
Speaking of which, I talked to an old friend today; it's been months. He's amazing. I feel horrible because he always seems to catch me in a very wrong mood, when I'm at my worst and most depressed. So, he asked me what was going on. And I talked to him about everything in generalities. God bless him for being so encouraging, even when I refuse to be encouraged, but he found me in the middle of thinking about all of this.
He's suggested that the universe (and whatever powers that may be) have been steering me away from relationships, so I can focus on other things that require more attention right now. This idea has sifted through my head as well; with the attention I willingly give to school work right now, it might just be best to give up hope for now. Or I just may have been meant for a convent. *shrug*
Since having the sucker gut punch of hell slammed into my metaphysical stomach followed by a kick to the groin from fate and leaving me moaning and groaning on the floor while gasping for air, I've been slowing restitching my world back together. So far, I like what I've done with the place.
I don't hold nearly as much back as I used to, but I still try to say it nicely. If you don't want to hear the truth as I see it, don't effing ask. It's that simple. I'm also trying to get better at standing up for myself; I think I'm getting better at it. I'm not sure... *shrug* It's so much easier to strike fear into the hearts of others before they even get close than to tell them exactly what you think of them when you think it. Or when they're busy saying what they think of you in the moment.
I'm trying to say what I feel in the moment instead of holding it back. Some of it, I /know/ is temporary. I swear to you that I'm not a whiny person, and I rarely get depressed. I get frustrated with situations, but I'm beginning to think that's human. I beat myself up, trying to figure out what I did wrong with the situation. I also have this tendency to obsess over issues and force myself to try and find a solution. That doesn't always work when it's just a personality clash.
But like I was implying, I've arrived at a cross roads in my life that's all going to come crashing down in a year. And I feel like I'm hyperventilating under the weight of it all, but I'm still holding it. The main issues that have been reappearing again and again here lately is an overwhelming sense of guilt and where I'm currently setting a precedent for my life or not.
The guilt thing is neither here nor there at the moment, and I've pretty much got that one solved. There are only certain people in my life that can make me feel abhorrently guilty. And I ask myself why do I let them make me feel that way. They can only make me feel guilty if I let them, and it's getting to the point where I feel guilty even if they aren't purposely trying to make me feel guilty.
Now for the thought that's preoccupying my spare thinking time. I fear I've set a precedent for my life where my career comes before everything else. I know I will have a wonderfully successful and fulfilling career part of my life, if that makes any sense. I worry that I'll come home to an empty apartment. And if that's my lot, then so be it.
I work hard and relentlessly because I feel like my work is the only thing that I've got in life worth anything. It's the one thing I feel I can offer the world and still be accepted. Also, I've come to realize that my friendships are fleeting as best. People forget easily, or I change too quickly. I'm not quite sure yet. I also suck at making people feel needed. And it certainly doesn't help that I've labored under the mantra of "I can fight my own demons", which is reinforced by friends' actions when I have reached out for help. There are a lot of time that no one wants to talk to me when I'm feeling down or angry or in a bad mood or life has thrown something else at me (like the amazing amount of death I've had to deal with). Their problems are more important, always have been. Someone will always have it worse than I ever will, and I get thrown off to the side.
And often enough, I just find myself alone, dealing with these monsters. And it's no one's fault; that's just the way the dice landed. No one's available, or something more important has come up.
Speaking of which, I talked to an old friend today; it's been months. He's amazing. I feel horrible because he always seems to catch me in a very wrong mood, when I'm at my worst and most depressed. So, he asked me what was going on. And I talked to him about everything in generalities. God bless him for being so encouraging, even when I refuse to be encouraged, but he found me in the middle of thinking about all of this.
He's suggested that the universe (and whatever powers that may be) have been steering me away from relationships, so I can focus on other things that require more attention right now. This idea has sifted through my head as well; with the attention I willingly give to school work right now, it might just be best to give up hope for now. Or I just may have been meant for a convent. *shrug*