(no subject)
dear x,
i begin to wonder, now that u no longer love me (or that you've stopped pretending to), does anything that happened over the past year mean anything to you? the time we saved the bushes and the trees by pulling the grape vine off of them. or the time we talked about how big the grapes at your house were going to be. how we spent the night before you went to SA laying piping in your backyard for drainage rather than have a romantic evening. how you were the only one to ever, EVER make me feel wanted at all. do you remember that you promised me, when i was sad u were leaving, that we would always say "i love you" to each other, for the rest of our lives? you said that even when you're married, i could call u up and say that and your wife would have to deal with it because thats how things are between us. do you remember how you first told me you loved me (yes, now it is in past tense, were you lying then?). how we hung around outside my house for an hour one day because i didn't have a key to get in. how we danced in the sprinkler. how we threw the ball to your dog. how you always called your dog ugly and i always tried to tell her you didnt mean it. how we went to einstein's every day for weeks at 3 in the afternoon for a lunch of 1 and a half asiago bagles. how we snuck off for alone time. what you did to me and i to you in that time. what you took from me. how you came up north with us. how happy i was when i thought u loved me.
for i am no longer happy. i dont think i ever will be again. life hurts far too much to ever be worth living. would u miss me if i were gone? i dont think so. no one would miss me. i wouldn't. i know im hideous and unattractive and always mess everything up. i wish i didnt. i wish i was a good person. but im not. im a hypocrit and selfish and a lier. im a horrible person. i dont think anyone will ever love me again (or ever, if you did lie to me). i want to ask you when you stopped loving me. but im afraid of the answer. like im too afraid to end my life, no matter how much it hurts me. if i didnt eat and wore makeup and worked out, would you love me then? will you ever love me (again)? im such a wimp for being this way, everyone else goes through this but i simply am too weak and wimpy to take it. do u know ive been crying for the past hour about you? my heart is torn in two. i wish i didnt have a heart. i wish i could cut it out. would life hurt then? i hope not. im much too sensitive. and i hate myself for it. worthless. im rude to people and hurt people. and then, to avoid dealing with what is my own doing, i get lost in books. in books, everything turns out okay and life stops hurting at the end. i wish my head would stop pounding and that i could see straight. if someone were to chop off my head right this second, i would thank them with my dying breath. but then, as my absolute last thought and words on this earth, i would say "i love you, stephen"
i love you. and i always will. no matter what you say or do, i will always love you.
Love, Lucy