it's probably my period coming and my lack of sleep
but i have been bombarded with memories
no, memories is not the right word
but something like that.
i remember she said to me
after a particularly intense stint of crazy and mean
she said to me
when i told her i just couldn't do it anymore
be around such...
i remember she told me
"i thought our friendship was stronger than that."
and she sort of laughed it off in disbelief for a second, then she said,
"alright then. i wish you well."
and that was that.
i can't say that i regret my choice, and less because i don't believe in regrets,
more because most of her actions from that point to now have proven my choice best.
but isn't it wild that even with all of that,
that conversation still lingers in my brain on top of all the more important things
and pops out
pops up
at times.
todd andrews does the same thing to me, but that is more reasonable;
he was my first school boyfriend in austin.
we reconnected over 900 miles, i don't remember how now, while he was finishing up his masters/starting his doctorate in men's studies.
that always bothered me, "men's studies."
like we had evolved enough to loop back to a time when the planet was mostly matriarchal, and education
warranted again such a thing as "men's studies."
anyway, i chose to interpret his need to dress in women's clothes on his birthdays as mostly in the perry ferrell style and less in the creepy i-don't-know-myself-yet style.
and for various unfortunate circumstances of timing, he happened to be driving from 900 miles away to see me while i was coming to that stage of my moons when i began to see clearly the differences between
what the heart can do
and what will last.
when i saw him there in the theater,
a quiet and respectful heart
waiting for me to finish my shift,
i don't know, i just knew.
i knew it didn't matter how hot he was or how much history we would always have,
we wouldn't be on the same road again.
you can't explain that over popcorn or a beer.
well, maybe you can.
i couldn't.
i still can't.
but it still haunts me.
i don't know why.
it's one of the few times in my life that i resented not knowing how to do something, rather than knowing too well, too much, too soon.
i still don't know what i could have done or said.
maybe that's the rub.
the scene was never called.
the line was never said.
maybe that's all.
tonight i am glad i came to korea.
i can't be sure,
i mean, no one can be sure,
but i think this is better than killing myself.
there is something to be said about finally getting to the age/space/time when your life is enough yours
that you don't have to chew off your foot to make yourself right.
i got the impression that 33 was a really long time to wait for that kind of freedom.
my bad.
no, memories is not the right word
but something like that.
i remember she said to me
after a particularly intense stint of crazy and mean
she said to me
when i told her i just couldn't do it anymore
be around such...
i remember she told me
"i thought our friendship was stronger than that."
and she sort of laughed it off in disbelief for a second, then she said,
"alright then. i wish you well."
and that was that.
i can't say that i regret my choice, and less because i don't believe in regrets,
more because most of her actions from that point to now have proven my choice best.
but isn't it wild that even with all of that,
that conversation still lingers in my brain on top of all the more important things
and pops out
pops up
at times.
todd andrews does the same thing to me, but that is more reasonable;
he was my first school boyfriend in austin.
we reconnected over 900 miles, i don't remember how now, while he was finishing up his masters/starting his doctorate in men's studies.
that always bothered me, "men's studies."
like we had evolved enough to loop back to a time when the planet was mostly matriarchal, and education
warranted again such a thing as "men's studies."
anyway, i chose to interpret his need to dress in women's clothes on his birthdays as mostly in the perry ferrell style and less in the creepy i-don't-know-myself-yet style.
and for various unfortunate circumstances of timing, he happened to be driving from 900 miles away to see me while i was coming to that stage of my moons when i began to see clearly the differences between
what the heart can do
and what will last.
when i saw him there in the theater,
a quiet and respectful heart
waiting for me to finish my shift,
i don't know, i just knew.
i knew it didn't matter how hot he was or how much history we would always have,
we wouldn't be on the same road again.
you can't explain that over popcorn or a beer.
well, maybe you can.
i couldn't.
i still can't.
but it still haunts me.
i don't know why.
it's one of the few times in my life that i resented not knowing how to do something, rather than knowing too well, too much, too soon.
i still don't know what i could have done or said.
maybe that's the rub.
the scene was never called.
the line was never said.
maybe that's all.
tonight i am glad i came to korea.
i can't be sure,
i mean, no one can be sure,
but i think this is better than killing myself.
there is something to be said about finally getting to the age/space/time when your life is enough yours
that you don't have to chew off your foot to make yourself right.
i got the impression that 33 was a really long time to wait for that kind of freedom.
my bad.