Day Number Three
I was having trouble breathing last night, and I felt like I needed to run away, so I did. I called Paul and Rich and drove to Chicago. Called into work on the way. Got there at about two in the morning. Met them at a rest stop where we talked for an hour or so before heading back to rich’s place to crash. I couldn’t choke down dinner and I couldn’t sleep. I thought getting out would be just what I needed but it wasn’t/ driving to Chicago by myself was terrifying, and it was even worse coming back tonight when I got stuck in gridlock and was panicky that I would accidentally get on the wrong freeway and be lost.
Is it possibly to have the best time of your life and also feel the most like shit at the same time? Because that would sum today up. got up this morning and had breakfast with paul, and then played guitar hero with rich for a while. He made us some pizza for lunch since I didn’t have any money, and we watched space troopers on TV. I laughed a lot but I didn’t really mean it. Then we went and hung out at the beach with his friends dimitri the Russian and cousins, who just got sponsored by kswiss. He does this crazy urban gymnastic shit and he can like, do backflips off of parckbenches and cars and stuff. It was really cool. Got more tan at the beach and then headed back to dimitris house. Rich burned me some new music and went out to dinner with more friends before I headed back to kalamazoo pretty late.
The drive home was aweful. Everything went fine but when I drove through the city it looked beautiful at night, and it made me absoultly miserable. I have been to Chicago at least five times in the past three years and it has always been with you. All I wanted to do was to tell you about how I made it there all on my own, and tell you about the new music I found and the people I met and how much fun I had and I cant. I cant talk to you at all. Ive gotten used to you being the last voice I hear before bed each night and now its just silent. I haven’t slept in three nights and im so exhausted I cant eat without getting sick and I still cant sleep.
Im so sorry. Im so unbearably sad. I came home that night and took a shower and got dressednd put on makeup. And I made you those cookies. The ones that are still sitting outside your door untouched. And I felt bad that I had hurt your feelings and I wanted so badly to fix it. I was so excited to see you at the party and be able to apologize and explain that I wasn’t really mad, just worried about money. I wanted to apologize for taking my worries out on you because it wasn’t fair to. When charna called and said everyone was already at gretchens I thought that meant you were there too, and I wanted to meet you there. I walked because it seemed like the best way. I thought it would only take about 35 minutes and I was stupid. I know that now. But I did it because I thought it was the best way to get there, not to make you angry. All I wanted to do that night was hang out with you, I didn’t want to fight or hurt your feelings. I love you and I wouldn’t purposely do that to someone I love. I thought if I could get you to stay at the party then gretchens feelings wouldn’t be hurt and you would feel better and have a good time. I just wanted my friends to be happy.
I did things wrong but I didn’t mean to. I was so excited about the corsage and boutinerre I made for bomb prom. I was so excited that youd asked me to go to bomb prom with you and I told all my friends at work and I told deb about the flowers I made and I was so happy that you wanted to go with me. Beforehand I was hoping so hard that you would want me to go and it meant so much to me when you asked me, you don’t even know.
And somehow I ruined everything. I would give anything for you to know how sorry I am, and that I reallt didn’t mean to hurt you, or make you angry with me. Everything I said came out wrong and I didn’t mean it that way and I feel like theres a crack in my chest growing bigger every second. I messed up and im sorry and I just want to fix it and I don’t know how.
Is it possibly to have the best time of your life and also feel the most like shit at the same time? Because that would sum today up. got up this morning and had breakfast with paul, and then played guitar hero with rich for a while. He made us some pizza for lunch since I didn’t have any money, and we watched space troopers on TV. I laughed a lot but I didn’t really mean it. Then we went and hung out at the beach with his friends dimitri the Russian and cousins, who just got sponsored by kswiss. He does this crazy urban gymnastic shit and he can like, do backflips off of parckbenches and cars and stuff. It was really cool. Got more tan at the beach and then headed back to dimitris house. Rich burned me some new music and went out to dinner with more friends before I headed back to kalamazoo pretty late.
The drive home was aweful. Everything went fine but when I drove through the city it looked beautiful at night, and it made me absoultly miserable. I have been to Chicago at least five times in the past three years and it has always been with you. All I wanted to do was to tell you about how I made it there all on my own, and tell you about the new music I found and the people I met and how much fun I had and I cant. I cant talk to you at all. Ive gotten used to you being the last voice I hear before bed each night and now its just silent. I haven’t slept in three nights and im so exhausted I cant eat without getting sick and I still cant sleep.
Im so sorry. Im so unbearably sad. I came home that night and took a shower and got dressednd put on makeup. And I made you those cookies. The ones that are still sitting outside your door untouched. And I felt bad that I had hurt your feelings and I wanted so badly to fix it. I was so excited to see you at the party and be able to apologize and explain that I wasn’t really mad, just worried about money. I wanted to apologize for taking my worries out on you because it wasn’t fair to. When charna called and said everyone was already at gretchens I thought that meant you were there too, and I wanted to meet you there. I walked because it seemed like the best way. I thought it would only take about 35 minutes and I was stupid. I know that now. But I did it because I thought it was the best way to get there, not to make you angry. All I wanted to do that night was hang out with you, I didn’t want to fight or hurt your feelings. I love you and I wouldn’t purposely do that to someone I love. I thought if I could get you to stay at the party then gretchens feelings wouldn’t be hurt and you would feel better and have a good time. I just wanted my friends to be happy.
I did things wrong but I didn’t mean to. I was so excited about the corsage and boutinerre I made for bomb prom. I was so excited that youd asked me to go to bomb prom with you and I told all my friends at work and I told deb about the flowers I made and I was so happy that you wanted to go with me. Beforehand I was hoping so hard that you would want me to go and it meant so much to me when you asked me, you don’t even know.
And somehow I ruined everything. I would give anything for you to know how sorry I am, and that I reallt didn’t mean to hurt you, or make you angry with me. Everything I said came out wrong and I didn’t mean it that way and I feel like theres a crack in my chest growing bigger every second. I messed up and im sorry and I just want to fix it and I don’t know how.