shoot me now, please
hey nick,
i've been all sorts of messed up lately. i don't know why... well no thats a lie yes i do. they are just things that i wish would disappear. i wish things would magically clear up. that i would always have the money i need to take care of all of my stuff. instead they're involved now. now i get guilt trips and lectures. something i haven't really gotten in a while. and though everything was going great.... it was going too great. i should have known that it wasn't going to last. as of lately i don't really feel like being around anyone, like talking to anyone. i really just feel like sitting in my room with senor fish, my computer, and my school work. and though i do use my school work as an excuse to lock myself up in my room. and for the most part i am getting school stuff finished, which is a good thing. but at the same time its not good that i'm feeling this anti-social... i just haven't been feeling very well lately. i've been sleeping a lot, i haven't really had much of an appetite, i just feel over-all down. i haven't felt this bad in a while, it sucks. i wish i knew the root cause of it. and though i don't think it's really one thing inparticular i think i have a good idea as to what it is. i think i small percentage of it has to do with all this crap i putting myself through (yes, myself) with colton. i know its really not a big deal at all. i know what we discussed in the very beginning, but for some stupid i went against everything we talked about. i had to go and get feelings, i did exactly what he didn't want either of us to do and that was get attached in one way or another. and though i still think that he did too, he just won't admit it. and i'm going to say whatever. i'm going to say that i don't care. that it doesn't bother me, because we set guidlines from the very beginning. but i know the truth. i know what i'm feeling. and i blame it on being a stupid girl, with stupid emotions. i can say it doesn't bother me, but at the end of the day it does. i'm going to say that i'll get over it, and i'll go on with my life. and that is true. i will eventually get over it. he's just another boy, and there are tons more out there. like i told mom all those months 'we don't need no man' and i don't. but the attention, hugs, and warmth is always welcomed. most of the percentage of this whole crap is my financial state that i put myself in. my shopping finally caught up with me. its finally effecting my everyday life. and yet the only thing i want to do is to go out and shop. it makes me feel so good. it makes me so happy. and yet now here i am in my current shitty ass situation. i hate it, i hate this. : / well i need to start getting ready for work. i'll talk to you again soon. sorry i've been so negative :(
i love you,
always and forever
i've been all sorts of messed up lately. i don't know why... well no thats a lie yes i do. they are just things that i wish would disappear. i wish things would magically clear up. that i would always have the money i need to take care of all of my stuff. instead they're involved now. now i get guilt trips and lectures. something i haven't really gotten in a while. and though everything was going great.... it was going too great. i should have known that it wasn't going to last. as of lately i don't really feel like being around anyone, like talking to anyone. i really just feel like sitting in my room with senor fish, my computer, and my school work. and though i do use my school work as an excuse to lock myself up in my room. and for the most part i am getting school stuff finished, which is a good thing. but at the same time its not good that i'm feeling this anti-social... i just haven't been feeling very well lately. i've been sleeping a lot, i haven't really had much of an appetite, i just feel over-all down. i haven't felt this bad in a while, it sucks. i wish i knew the root cause of it. and though i don't think it's really one thing inparticular i think i have a good idea as to what it is. i think i small percentage of it has to do with all this crap i putting myself through (yes, myself) with colton. i know its really not a big deal at all. i know what we discussed in the very beginning, but for some stupid i went against everything we talked about. i had to go and get feelings, i did exactly what he didn't want either of us to do and that was get attached in one way or another. and though i still think that he did too, he just won't admit it. and i'm going to say whatever. i'm going to say that i don't care. that it doesn't bother me, because we set guidlines from the very beginning. but i know the truth. i know what i'm feeling. and i blame it on being a stupid girl, with stupid emotions. i can say it doesn't bother me, but at the end of the day it does. i'm going to say that i'll get over it, and i'll go on with my life. and that is true. i will eventually get over it. he's just another boy, and there are tons more out there. like i told mom all those months 'we don't need no man' and i don't. but the attention, hugs, and warmth is always welcomed. most of the percentage of this whole crap is my financial state that i put myself in. my shopping finally caught up with me. its finally effecting my everyday life. and yet the only thing i want to do is to go out and shop. it makes me feel so good. it makes me so happy. and yet now here i am in my current shitty ass situation. i hate it, i hate this. : / well i need to start getting ready for work. i'll talk to you again soon. sorry i've been so negative :(
i love you,
always and forever