Seeing the trees for the sap.
lj-cut text="A.K.A">
You know, I think a lot of people are unnecessarily unhappy, for a lot of reasons…But in their relationships especially. I find that the most important factor in getting the most out of anything is making our best attempt possible to apply balance - Human relationships definitely fall into this category. To generalize, culturally we’re brought up to expect ourselves, our relationships, and the other people we encounter to fit into boxes - Categories so we can predict how to react to things/in situations. As people grow older it seems either the pressure to fit into these boxes increases exponentially, or we feel the need to desperately rebel against them and then give ourselves a whole other set of boundaries so that we don’t feel that we’re being taken in by ‘the man’, or what have you. Either way, the goal is to eliminate the gray areas. The whole system leaves so much to be desired. I think the scariest thing in the world for most people is ambiguity, whether it in the sense of an obsessive need for structure or in obsessive independence. Ambiguity makes people feel unsafe and there’s nothing more, most people seek than to feel safe and secure. The majority of people are so needy for something to have faith in and to remain in control of their fate (when, lets be honest.. You never really are.)
I’m as guilty of this as anyone - My six month stint at 12 or so years old as a ‘good Christian girl’ was completely inspired by my desperation to find something to count on. (It ended when I realized that I just couldn’t convince myself that I believed in it all, besides some basic ‘be good to others’ concepts and being unable to rule out that there’s some ‘higher power’ because I can’t come up with a better explanation - Even though I assume there is one. My being a part of the church was both offensive to myself and to the church.) And then… Well, my crazy, crazy panic attacks that arise in situations where I’m presented with things that are out of my hands clearly depict my obession with freedom. You know, I'm not saying that religion isn't a valuable part of a lot of people's lives, but I do think it's highly driven by a desire for security. Yet, I've never felt free-er and happier with my life than in situations where I'm able to momentarily embrace and appreciate the fact that I have no fecking idea what's going to happen and that there's nothing I can do about it.
I was a shy and incredibly awkward child. I was terrified of men until the age of about… Fifteen. I liked them. I was unreasonably curious about them. But…If one so much as asked me for the time I’d go bright red and stutter until he left.
I wish I was exaggerating.
Because of this, with the exception of a couple male playmates I’d had growing up (who I assumed were freaks of nature) all I had to go on to build my perception of men with were the stereotypes I heard about. So, basically… I assumed they were all obsessed with sex and cars and not crying - All of which were ok with me at the time, because I was obsessed with sex, thought cars were pretty neat, and didn’t think anyone thought it was cool to admit to ‘feeling things’, anyways. This… Got me into a lot of trouble as I have never been attracted to a man in my life who’s turned out to really be that way. Unfortunately, I hurt a few people before understanding that it’s possible for guys to care back, and that you actually have to take their feelings into account because they do, in fact, have them. I’m not complaining about that, by far, for the record. Although…It wouldn’t hurt if they were actually a little more obsessed with sex, I’ve been told by so many girls that they have troubles meeting guys who want it as much as they do… But that's another rant for another day.
Now granted, people generally grow out of dramatic reactions like that as they inevitably interact and learn about each other throughout their lives, but there are still so many of these boxy ideas that keep kicking around often life-long. A lot that I consider just as silly as the ones I described. I’m not saying that some people don’t luck out and can’t really be happy ‘painting within the lines,’ but it’s the people that well, just aren't contained in those boundaries, but beat themselves and others up for being unable to be, that concern me. Stereotypes are obviously based on SOMETHING, and we can't help pre-judging things.. In fact, I think it's useful a lot of the time to do that - But it's keeping an open mind to having those ideas changed that seems to be lacking, and I think we miss out so much that way.
There is so much of this when it comes to 'love'. What is love? We’re supposed to ‘just know.’ In any language, the words we use are just tools we’ve created to help communicate with each other. When it comes to explaining our emotional experiences, they just can’t come within miles of truly having another person understand what the experience of being you, is like. If that’s the case, the idea that there’s any kind of universal ‘love standard’ is completely idiotic. There’s also the fact that people are so easily influenced by their external environment, by the food they eat, by the goddamn weather! Fickle and fragile, our mental chemistry isn’t really all that hard to tamper with. And yet - There’s this illusion that we’re supposed to able to make promises to each other involving words like, ‘forever’, and ‘'till death do us part’, in good conscience. There are a million unrealistic expectations (like how we're supposed to be offended if our signifigant other is attracted to someone else, or feel guilty if we are) we feel we have to have, or expect others to have of us, even if they don't, and thus unnescessarily destroy perfectly good relationships by running from people and hurting each other over simple misunderstandings. Again - For some people, it works. Some people do manage to keep squeezed into the commercial definition of love for their whole lives and are really satisfied with their relationships - But any kind of love still isn’t going to be perfect every day, it isn’t going to be the one answer to all your problems, and it isn’t going to work if you aren’t willing to WORK at it. And there’s the other side of the coin - That sometimes things just change and that even if you’ve made those kind of vows, it’s in everyone’s best interest to move on. Lets hear it for jumping the gun! I’ve met too many people that either stay with someone miserably or bolt from anyone they meet the second there’s a bump in the road.
I went through a phase where I was very depressed about love because of the fact that if no one could ever really know how I felt as my experience of being me is solely mine, that meant I was technically always going to be alone - That we’re all alone. The fact that love can kind of be explained by science - At the very least, can easily be fucked with in scientific experimentation…Made me feel like there was no romance in any of it, and to be honest, I’m a hopeless romantic. If I couldn’t trust anyone to mean anything forever, then what was the point? I was already afraid of losing people, why bother if I couldn’t be sure I could ever hold on to anyone? But a lot of wise people, falling into my own definition of that infamous four letter word, and time have shifted my feelings…It’s not that I don’t believe in ‘love’. I just think that it’s subjective. There’s an incredible beauty in the fact that because you can’t experience things the way someone else can, they’ll always have a different perspective and things to teach you. Life would be so boring otherwise.
Declaring I’m in romantic love is getting to a point where I can look someone straight in the eyes, tell them that’s how I feel, and be unable to feel you can rule out ‘forever’, as opposed to guaranteeing it. I don’t think those feelings are tarnished if it doesn’t work out later, either. I’ve been in what I consider love, still haven’t met the person I’d commit to my version of marriage with - But I will always value the people I’ve felt that way for. The people you’re closest to help shape who you are. I think that because of that, even when they’re gone - In a way they’re still with you, and I can take comfort in that. Whether it be friendship or a romantic relationship, I’ve always had so much trouble letting go of people and I still do - But that idea has certainly helped me.
A favorite quote of mine by someone older and wiser than I, passed along to me by a close friend:
"Star friendship.- We were friends and have become estranged. But this was right, and we do not want to conceal and obscure it from ourselves as if we had reason to feel ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its goal and course; our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did-and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones, and perhaps we shall never see one another again,-perhaps we shall meet again but fail to recognize each other: our exposure to different seas and suns has changed us! That we have to become estranged is the law above us: by the same token we should also become more venerable for each other! And thus the memory of our former friendship should become more sacred! There is probably a tremendous but invisible stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path,-let us rise up to this thought! But our life is too short and our power of vision too small for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possibility.- Let us then believe in our star friendship even if we should be compelled to be earth enemies."
- Nietzche.
For me, love is finding someone that I can trust, not to never hurt you, but to do their best not to unless it's in the name of honesty - Who’ll do their best to be honest with you and who doesn’t see you as flawless, but notices and appreciates traits that are positive and related to the ones they don’t care for. It's someone you around whom you don't have to censor who you are to make things work. And romance… It isn’t making sweeping statements, it’s just in thoughtfulness. In finding someone who, despite not being you, cares enough to pay such close attention that they’re able to really touch you emotionally in ways you find personally meaningful - All from an outside perspective and their interpretation of who you are, and vice versa. There is nothing I hold dearer than that. That's my interpretation of what it is, but I think it's about finding what your own is and having a few bottom lines, but being open to having your rules change - And walking away if you're in a situation where you can't meet each other's bottom lines.
So give me "Unless there comes a day that we decide it’s in both of our best interests to part ways, I’ll love you forever," and my adjoining condos instead of ‘death do us part’! Even under the most perfect circumstances, you never know if things are going to work out - But I think with that attitude, I’ve got a real solid chance and being half of one of those old couples you see who still hold hands and slow dance at weddings even though they can barely walk.
Eh, just my two cents, anyways.
You know, I think a lot of people are unnecessarily unhappy, for a lot of reasons…But in their relationships especially. I find that the most important factor in getting the most out of anything is making our best attempt possible to apply balance - Human relationships definitely fall into this category. To generalize, culturally we’re brought up to expect ourselves, our relationships, and the other people we encounter to fit into boxes - Categories so we can predict how to react to things/in situations. As people grow older it seems either the pressure to fit into these boxes increases exponentially, or we feel the need to desperately rebel against them and then give ourselves a whole other set of boundaries so that we don’t feel that we’re being taken in by ‘the man’, or what have you. Either way, the goal is to eliminate the gray areas. The whole system leaves so much to be desired. I think the scariest thing in the world for most people is ambiguity, whether it in the sense of an obsessive need for structure or in obsessive independence. Ambiguity makes people feel unsafe and there’s nothing more, most people seek than to feel safe and secure. The majority of people are so needy for something to have faith in and to remain in control of their fate (when, lets be honest.. You never really are.)
I’m as guilty of this as anyone - My six month stint at 12 or so years old as a ‘good Christian girl’ was completely inspired by my desperation to find something to count on. (It ended when I realized that I just couldn’t convince myself that I believed in it all, besides some basic ‘be good to others’ concepts and being unable to rule out that there’s some ‘higher power’ because I can’t come up with a better explanation - Even though I assume there is one. My being a part of the church was both offensive to myself and to the church.) And then… Well, my crazy, crazy panic attacks that arise in situations where I’m presented with things that are out of my hands clearly depict my obession with freedom. You know, I'm not saying that religion isn't a valuable part of a lot of people's lives, but I do think it's highly driven by a desire for security. Yet, I've never felt free-er and happier with my life than in situations where I'm able to momentarily embrace and appreciate the fact that I have no fecking idea what's going to happen and that there's nothing I can do about it.
I was a shy and incredibly awkward child. I was terrified of men until the age of about… Fifteen. I liked them. I was unreasonably curious about them. But…If one so much as asked me for the time I’d go bright red and stutter until he left.
I wish I was exaggerating.
Because of this, with the exception of a couple male playmates I’d had growing up (who I assumed were freaks of nature) all I had to go on to build my perception of men with were the stereotypes I heard about. So, basically… I assumed they were all obsessed with sex and cars and not crying - All of which were ok with me at the time, because I was obsessed with sex, thought cars were pretty neat, and didn’t think anyone thought it was cool to admit to ‘feeling things’, anyways. This… Got me into a lot of trouble as I have never been attracted to a man in my life who’s turned out to really be that way. Unfortunately, I hurt a few people before understanding that it’s possible for guys to care back, and that you actually have to take their feelings into account because they do, in fact, have them. I’m not complaining about that, by far, for the record. Although…It wouldn’t hurt if they were actually a little more obsessed with sex, I’ve been told by so many girls that they have troubles meeting guys who want it as much as they do… But that's another rant for another day.
Now granted, people generally grow out of dramatic reactions like that as they inevitably interact and learn about each other throughout their lives, but there are still so many of these boxy ideas that keep kicking around often life-long. A lot that I consider just as silly as the ones I described. I’m not saying that some people don’t luck out and can’t really be happy ‘painting within the lines,’ but it’s the people that well, just aren't contained in those boundaries, but beat themselves and others up for being unable to be, that concern me. Stereotypes are obviously based on SOMETHING, and we can't help pre-judging things.. In fact, I think it's useful a lot of the time to do that - But it's keeping an open mind to having those ideas changed that seems to be lacking, and I think we miss out so much that way.
There is so much of this when it comes to 'love'. What is love? We’re supposed to ‘just know.’ In any language, the words we use are just tools we’ve created to help communicate with each other. When it comes to explaining our emotional experiences, they just can’t come within miles of truly having another person understand what the experience of being you, is like. If that’s the case, the idea that there’s any kind of universal ‘love standard’ is completely idiotic. There’s also the fact that people are so easily influenced by their external environment, by the food they eat, by the goddamn weather! Fickle and fragile, our mental chemistry isn’t really all that hard to tamper with. And yet - There’s this illusion that we’re supposed to able to make promises to each other involving words like, ‘forever’, and ‘'till death do us part’, in good conscience. There are a million unrealistic expectations (like how we're supposed to be offended if our signifigant other is attracted to someone else, or feel guilty if we are) we feel we have to have, or expect others to have of us, even if they don't, and thus unnescessarily destroy perfectly good relationships by running from people and hurting each other over simple misunderstandings. Again - For some people, it works. Some people do manage to keep squeezed into the commercial definition of love for their whole lives and are really satisfied with their relationships - But any kind of love still isn’t going to be perfect every day, it isn’t going to be the one answer to all your problems, and it isn’t going to work if you aren’t willing to WORK at it. And there’s the other side of the coin - That sometimes things just change and that even if you’ve made those kind of vows, it’s in everyone’s best interest to move on. Lets hear it for jumping the gun! I’ve met too many people that either stay with someone miserably or bolt from anyone they meet the second there’s a bump in the road.
I went through a phase where I was very depressed about love because of the fact that if no one could ever really know how I felt as my experience of being me is solely mine, that meant I was technically always going to be alone - That we’re all alone. The fact that love can kind of be explained by science - At the very least, can easily be fucked with in scientific experimentation…Made me feel like there was no romance in any of it, and to be honest, I’m a hopeless romantic. If I couldn’t trust anyone to mean anything forever, then what was the point? I was already afraid of losing people, why bother if I couldn’t be sure I could ever hold on to anyone? But a lot of wise people, falling into my own definition of that infamous four letter word, and time have shifted my feelings…It’s not that I don’t believe in ‘love’. I just think that it’s subjective. There’s an incredible beauty in the fact that because you can’t experience things the way someone else can, they’ll always have a different perspective and things to teach you. Life would be so boring otherwise.
Declaring I’m in romantic love is getting to a point where I can look someone straight in the eyes, tell them that’s how I feel, and be unable to feel you can rule out ‘forever’, as opposed to guaranteeing it. I don’t think those feelings are tarnished if it doesn’t work out later, either. I’ve been in what I consider love, still haven’t met the person I’d commit to my version of marriage with - But I will always value the people I’ve felt that way for. The people you’re closest to help shape who you are. I think that because of that, even when they’re gone - In a way they’re still with you, and I can take comfort in that. Whether it be friendship or a romantic relationship, I’ve always had so much trouble letting go of people and I still do - But that idea has certainly helped me.
A favorite quote of mine by someone older and wiser than I, passed along to me by a close friend:
"Star friendship.- We were friends and have become estranged. But this was right, and we do not want to conceal and obscure it from ourselves as if we had reason to feel ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its goal and course; our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did-and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones, and perhaps we shall never see one another again,-perhaps we shall meet again but fail to recognize each other: our exposure to different seas and suns has changed us! That we have to become estranged is the law above us: by the same token we should also become more venerable for each other! And thus the memory of our former friendship should become more sacred! There is probably a tremendous but invisible stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path,-let us rise up to this thought! But our life is too short and our power of vision too small for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possibility.- Let us then believe in our star friendship even if we should be compelled to be earth enemies."
- Nietzche.
For me, love is finding someone that I can trust, not to never hurt you, but to do their best not to unless it's in the name of honesty - Who’ll do their best to be honest with you and who doesn’t see you as flawless, but notices and appreciates traits that are positive and related to the ones they don’t care for. It's someone you around whom you don't have to censor who you are to make things work. And romance… It isn’t making sweeping statements, it’s just in thoughtfulness. In finding someone who, despite not being you, cares enough to pay such close attention that they’re able to really touch you emotionally in ways you find personally meaningful - All from an outside perspective and their interpretation of who you are, and vice versa. There is nothing I hold dearer than that. That's my interpretation of what it is, but I think it's about finding what your own is and having a few bottom lines, but being open to having your rules change - And walking away if you're in a situation where you can't meet each other's bottom lines.
So give me "Unless there comes a day that we decide it’s in both of our best interests to part ways, I’ll love you forever," and my adjoining condos instead of ‘death do us part’! Even under the most perfect circumstances, you never know if things are going to work out - But I think with that attitude, I’ve got a real solid chance and being half of one of those old couples you see who still hold hands and slow dance at weddings even though they can barely walk.
Eh, just my two cents, anyways.