Layers and Layers
often wonder how did in the world I get where I am today. Six Years ago, Janine do you remember when I first met you at OSA, what was I like? I remember. I was trapped in my shell. In a bubble, hiding from the truth. Scared to open up. Intimidated by Yol and Michele. Had friends that controlled me back then. That was at 19. How did I get through, confronting the major person (my dad in my life) who betrayed my trust, who put me down at his own expense for how many years. Who took advantage of his daughter's trust. How did I survive through all the bickering, pointing fingers, my mom, blaming me, not supporting me. Alcohol was my defense mechanism, I was on the verge of self taunting myself, wanting to hurt myself, like Jen did. GOD that was so long ago with her. I never realized how truly exposed I was to the real life, sheltered in some ways, but others not. I never had a curfew, because I always got the grades. Because of that I got to experience life as it was. Did not do drugs, just watched others partake in it. I remember when she tripped on Acid and she said Alyson do you see the pretty colored fishes. What was I supposed to say, I said yes and this took place at the corner of Victory and Bradley by the bus stop. I remember she was a writer and out of all my friends she was the best there was. She would write amazing stories, use my life, which I did not mind because what I experienced will be told by her someday. She knew ever inch of me. I remember the spider incident, how we went up into the attic and got so scared of this spider we saw that we ran through the house like something was chasing after us. I remember that day I was working at Pathmark, I was on the bag your own... The sky was pink and a plane was flying in the air. I called her and I said did it happen and she said yup and she how did I know and I said I had gut feeling. Thats how well I knew her. Then she was like Alyson I need to come over and wash my sheets and I said no problem... I remember seeing Ace Ventura in the movies with her and she just did the moves... There was not a moment where I was not with Jen, I was difficult (yeah some things that will always remain, my stubborness). I just never wanted to go home because in the subconscious mind something really bad happened to me and I was running from it until I was 21 when I saw a shrink and faced the biggest fear or nightmare of them all my father. It has been 4 years since I started to realize that I had a deep hatred for my father and then when I told my mom, she just tormented me with it. This is why I rather do things for people who supported me, then do stuff for my own parents...... except for my brother and this is why I am torn about buying a home (thats why I am giving myself a year and if I don't like it then its going to be finished) with them and my mom wonders why I am the way I am....and even with my godmother and gomfather, I blamed my parents for her disowning me because I always went to LI every summer and I felt safe there. I rember when I was 16 and that was almost then ending point of that traumatic experience that I have to live with everyday of my life... There are times where .........then I hit rock bottom. Maybe they will never earn my trust back only time will tell. But if my dad ever does something else that is someone I don't need in my life, (unhealthy) I cannot believe i am going to say this he will be expunged from my life. I will be cold as ice like the dead of winter...... this is why I say to myself or I get into conversations, people think they have it bad... There is always someone out there who is worse off than me and you. To my uncle Alan it has been six years since you committed your sucide???? why did you want to give up on life. See dad was an asshole for what he did to me, but I never once wanted to give up on life thats taking the easy road, the challenge is tackling all your inner most fears!!!!