Update for a new beginning.
I want to start life all over. I regret so many things. I've been thinking about my high school year. I've been thinking about the limits that I put myself in. I restrain myself from getting what I want. I limit everything I do. Why? Because I am insecure. I look down on other people and how they allow their insecurities to stop them from acheiving what they want, and I realize.. "Hey.. I'm a hypocrite. I've done just the same." I guess that's just how it is. When you're an outsider looking in, you see the other person's potential. But when it's your own insecurities you're battling, you get submersed in this self-doubt and pessimism. You think to yourself, "Naww, they're out of my league. They wouldn't want to be my friend." "I'm not cool enough to talk to that person." "I can never be as smart as them." I compare myself to people too often. So often that I begin to think that my accomplishments don't mean anything. I need to learn that I can't keep on comparing myself to the best. Because I'm a human, and I can't be perfect in everything. I need to be happy with what I have.
I've noticed that the biggest thing I fear is failure. Failure to make someone be friends with me. Failure to get permission to go to the restroom. Failure to pass the test. Failure to do just about anything. People have told me that I am a hardworker. That I am a good person. That I am unique. That I have a pure heart. But why don't I see it? Why do I feel like I can always do better? Is this modesty? Or is this stupidity? When a sweet man in his late 40's is standing in front of you, telling you that you are a fantastic person while fighting back his tears, you should feel something. Maybe that fuzzy feeling. Maybe that flattery feeling. He is saying farewell to you. He is pulling you aside just to tell you how happy he is to see you grow, even though he wishes that I would grow a little more. He isolated you. Which means you're supposed to be special. You've worked with this team for a good 6 months. Why don't you feel anything? Why do you think he's lying? Why is it that the rest of the team is so close, but you still feel like you're on the outside peering in? It's 'cause you're stupid, and you didn't let yourself go. They beckoned you into the warm hot chocolate aroma filled house, but you politely said no and stood outside staring through the window on a snowy night.
The funny thing is, Cyndi always mentions how I make friends so easily. If that's what it looks like on the outside, then why is it that on the inside, it feels like I'm engaging in a lifelong war? I think I can be a good person, and that I can make a lot of meaningful relationships, whether it be with family, friends, or enemies. Screw the "Hello's" in the hall. I want a deep conversation, a real bond. I need to let go. Cut the sandbags. Let this hot air balloon rise. Concerts prove to me that I can do it. So maybe I will. I hope to start college with a new Tanya. One that isn't so insecure. One that has the power to show who she really is. One that doesn't regret.
I've noticed that the biggest thing I fear is failure. Failure to make someone be friends with me. Failure to get permission to go to the restroom. Failure to pass the test. Failure to do just about anything. People have told me that I am a hardworker. That I am a good person. That I am unique. That I have a pure heart. But why don't I see it? Why do I feel like I can always do better? Is this modesty? Or is this stupidity? When a sweet man in his late 40's is standing in front of you, telling you that you are a fantastic person while fighting back his tears, you should feel something. Maybe that fuzzy feeling. Maybe that flattery feeling. He is saying farewell to you. He is pulling you aside just to tell you how happy he is to see you grow, even though he wishes that I would grow a little more. He isolated you. Which means you're supposed to be special. You've worked with this team for a good 6 months. Why don't you feel anything? Why do you think he's lying? Why is it that the rest of the team is so close, but you still feel like you're on the outside peering in? It's 'cause you're stupid, and you didn't let yourself go. They beckoned you into the warm hot chocolate aroma filled house, but you politely said no and stood outside staring through the window on a snowy night.
The funny thing is, Cyndi always mentions how I make friends so easily. If that's what it looks like on the outside, then why is it that on the inside, it feels like I'm engaging in a lifelong war? I think I can be a good person, and that I can make a lot of meaningful relationships, whether it be with family, friends, or enemies. Screw the "Hello's" in the hall. I want a deep conversation, a real bond. I need to let go. Cut the sandbags. Let this hot air balloon rise. Concerts prove to me that I can do it. So maybe I will. I hope to start college with a new Tanya. One that isn't so insecure. One that has the power to show who she really is. One that doesn't regret.