Ending where we started
My goal was to write at least one entry per month and boy did that not happen at all. The days have flown by and I've been lucky lately to have friends to turn to for therapy when I need it but I think I need to be my own therapy as well. Not everyone wants to hear everything and that's where writing comes into play.
I believe I am finally over the whole Zach thing. We had a few more brief exchanges up until April when I told him not to message me anymore. It was too much of a mindfuck and if we couldn't fuck then I didn't really want to be friendly. Since then he only texted me once recently saying that he and his friend Dave got a place and that I should come see it sometime. I will not be going to see it sometime. Or maybe I will, who knows. But no plans as of now.
Angelo and I had a few more good times before I ended it. His house was disgusting, his pug was intolerable, he was super clingy, didn't have a decent job, and who wants to have sex on top of cookie crumbs. To his credit he briefly tried to remedy some of those things because I told him they were turn-offs but it wasn't enough to keep seeing him.
I went on a few dates with this guy Mike from Bethlehem before starting to talk to Matt, a guy I had known through mutual friends back in the day. I knew Matt had some things going on that I wasn't particularly fond of dealing with such as an in-progress divorce, a kid, and a past addiction problem but he also knew that I was a shit-show when it came to relationships so the odds weren't really in anyone's favor. What sealed the deal to begin with was that I dragged Matt out to the bar one night because I wanted to see all my friends, ended up getting completely hammered and making out with Brad (a long-ago ex but also good friend now). Matt handled it like a champ since we were not actually dating yet, it was totally Brad's fault for initiating, and I agreed to cut back on my wild partying nights a bit.
And all of a sudden, we were a thing. Not a real like "Facebook official" thing since Matt apparently still had drama with his ex wife and god knows what else but I was fine with that in the beginning. We got to a point where he stayed at my house every night. We went to the gym together most mornings. We talked forever. I was nervous about sex to begin with because he did have the smallest dick out of anyone I've ever been in a relationship with so far but after a few times I figured out how to make it work and it ended up working surprisingly well. Plus he was amazing at oral and everything else so it was alright. I was truly falling for this guy. I felt optimistic for the first time in forever. Maybe I was finally getting out of the awful rut of 2017. Maybe I could heal and actually find someone who I could be in love with and not stop myself.
We were together until the end of August. After I had had a few drinks at a wedding we were at that night I wanted to dance. He said he didn't feel comfortable, people were watching, etc. I just sat in my chair for a second trying to process this and then it hit me: Matt would never be able to join me in that kind of fun. He could never just toss back a few drinks and let loose. He would always be stone cold sober. It's hilarious how my dating life just swings so far in either one direction or the other. After dealing with the days of Brad and James's blatant alcoholism and Nick's much more subtle party drinking that always irritated me so much here I had a guy who would never have that problem. And it was still a problem. At that point, everything else came tumbling down too: the kid that he complained he didn't see enough but could have seen more if he wasn't at my place so much. The ex that was still calling him to talk about..her day? The fact that his sister had called me nasty names online and that he still wouldn't announce in public that we were a couple. His money issues, his lack of a place of his own. It was just too much. I walked out of the reception hall crying because I knew that there were too many things that couldn't be remedied.
He drove me home and had the sense enough to leave without me having to tell him. The whole night I kept going over the words we had exchanged on the ride home. Mostly me crying, him telling me that he still wanted this and asking me what I wanted. I remember saying that it didn't matter what I wanted, which was true. I can't ask a former addict to drink. I can't tell a man to abandon his child. Those are non-negotiable things. If I couldn't deal with them, then I had to leave. The end.
I believe I am finally over the whole Zach thing. We had a few more brief exchanges up until April when I told him not to message me anymore. It was too much of a mindfuck and if we couldn't fuck then I didn't really want to be friendly. Since then he only texted me once recently saying that he and his friend Dave got a place and that I should come see it sometime. I will not be going to see it sometime. Or maybe I will, who knows. But no plans as of now.
Angelo and I had a few more good times before I ended it. His house was disgusting, his pug was intolerable, he was super clingy, didn't have a decent job, and who wants to have sex on top of cookie crumbs. To his credit he briefly tried to remedy some of those things because I told him they were turn-offs but it wasn't enough to keep seeing him.
I went on a few dates with this guy Mike from Bethlehem before starting to talk to Matt, a guy I had known through mutual friends back in the day. I knew Matt had some things going on that I wasn't particularly fond of dealing with such as an in-progress divorce, a kid, and a past addiction problem but he also knew that I was a shit-show when it came to relationships so the odds weren't really in anyone's favor. What sealed the deal to begin with was that I dragged Matt out to the bar one night because I wanted to see all my friends, ended up getting completely hammered and making out with Brad (a long-ago ex but also good friend now). Matt handled it like a champ since we were not actually dating yet, it was totally Brad's fault for initiating, and I agreed to cut back on my wild partying nights a bit.
And all of a sudden, we were a thing. Not a real like "Facebook official" thing since Matt apparently still had drama with his ex wife and god knows what else but I was fine with that in the beginning. We got to a point where he stayed at my house every night. We went to the gym together most mornings. We talked forever. I was nervous about sex to begin with because he did have the smallest dick out of anyone I've ever been in a relationship with so far but after a few times I figured out how to make it work and it ended up working surprisingly well. Plus he was amazing at oral and everything else so it was alright. I was truly falling for this guy. I felt optimistic for the first time in forever. Maybe I was finally getting out of the awful rut of 2017. Maybe I could heal and actually find someone who I could be in love with and not stop myself.
We were together until the end of August. After I had had a few drinks at a wedding we were at that night I wanted to dance. He said he didn't feel comfortable, people were watching, etc. I just sat in my chair for a second trying to process this and then it hit me: Matt would never be able to join me in that kind of fun. He could never just toss back a few drinks and let loose. He would always be stone cold sober. It's hilarious how my dating life just swings so far in either one direction or the other. After dealing with the days of Brad and James's blatant alcoholism and Nick's much more subtle party drinking that always irritated me so much here I had a guy who would never have that problem. And it was still a problem. At that point, everything else came tumbling down too: the kid that he complained he didn't see enough but could have seen more if he wasn't at my place so much. The ex that was still calling him to talk about..her day? The fact that his sister had called me nasty names online and that he still wouldn't announce in public that we were a couple. His money issues, his lack of a place of his own. It was just too much. I walked out of the reception hall crying because I knew that there were too many things that couldn't be remedied.
He drove me home and had the sense enough to leave without me having to tell him. The whole night I kept going over the words we had exchanged on the ride home. Mostly me crying, him telling me that he still wanted this and asking me what I wanted. I remember saying that it didn't matter what I wanted, which was true. I can't ask a former addict to drink. I can't tell a man to abandon his child. Those are non-negotiable things. If I couldn't deal with them, then I had to leave. The end.