There a big world out there and we live on a paved island.
The way off this land.Recently, I gave in to watching Avatar. And I've got to say that I am an enormous fan of Avatar IMAX 3D. I liked it because, for once, they used a new technology to it's real potential. They made a deeper world as close to reality as it could possibly be. With a screen that filled the field of view and a clean sheen of 3-dimensionality, which is another word for 'exactly how life is'. If there was only one movie to be made in this way, Avatar would be it. There really was a world to get lost in. I lost track of what I was seeing and where I was. Was I dreaming? Was I awake? Is this real?
I'm finding it harder and harder to wake up from my sleep. I want to say that it's the fever's fault, the one where I got up to 103 for about 7 days over Christmas 2009 and into the New year, that it screwed up my good sleep habits. But I have to correct myself. "Since when did you have good sleep habits?" There are these moments of extreme motivation, where it feels like I can hit the pavement running, and I make the Earth spin just from my momentum. I don't get them often. Only with help can I get there. So while I stayed home, bedridden, with not so much the energy to log onto Facebook, I stagnated. I fell back into old, comfortable, lazy footsteps where I wandered around the interior of a house for something to eat or a place to nap. I'm healthy now, but It feels like I'm struggling so hard to go out and see this big world when there's so much to see with my eyes closed.
Come on, wake up, Mandel. Get up and go. The world needs you.
........what? who is that? ... mom?
Now is not the time to be asking these questions. Not just yet. But for now, you need to realize that you're more useful while you're alive. So, get up and eat something.
I've been killing myself over past decisions, over possible futures, over friends and acquaintances, over silly distractions. I can't help but feel like I'm missing the point. Now more than ever, I know what I'm doing, what I am, where I ought to go. But as clearly as I can envision it in my head, none of the roads before me seem to point in that direction. Like no matter how much I plan or decide, nothing will ever end up as what I expect.
I've been planning out my schedules and tasks with the help of a book, 'Getting Things Done'. And I swear, it's almost like I can handle the parts of my life that have been boiling over. And maybe by the time I fully implement it into my life, I won't have 1600 unread emails in my inbox, junk strewn across my floor, the things I must do the next day stagnating until I begin to feel embarrassed to even begin them. I've got high hopes for Future Mandel, but right now, the pressure cooker is on the fire. The parts of my life are boiling over. The stars and the sky fade into a foggy, humid mist. And I continue to neglect the people I respect the most. When can I slow down? Is there a stopgap for when I completely burned out? Where are the stars? Where is the sky? I'm lost in this world. Losing track of what I'm seeing and where I am. Am I dreaming? Am I awake? Is this real?
You're awake, Mandel, calm down. This was always real. You have to understand, that you're more useful while you're alive. So loosen up a bit, have a drink, see a friend. There's no Day Planner or iPhone app or self-help book that will remind you to be 23. You'll have to deal with life goals, weddings, and intense failure soon enough. But for now, just have a drink and get an H1N1 shot. You can't be getting us sick again. Are you trying to get us killed? Fuck.
Image by http://www.flickr.com/photos/physio/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0