public service announcement?
Thanks to everyone who spammed with welcome back comments last week. XD; I don't really know what to say. I suppose I was kind of under the impression that I'd be happier returning to Eljay once I'd spent some time away from it, but that isn't really the case. I think my problem has more to do with fandom in general than with Eljay or with my flist. (Which I <3. For the most part. But I think I'll be subjecting y'all to a cut anyway sometime soon... eventually... er, before I die? Many of you are largely without reason to worry your pretty little heads, so I don't think there's any occasion to spazz, really.) I think (and I'm not entirely sure why I do) that fandom stinks. My major sucks; I hardly ever have any free time. Also, the constitution of my flist seems pretty dismal as of late--I'm feeling pretty useless, as I'm rarely ever around, can offer nothing kind to say when I am around--and the whole affair, combined, makes me want to spend even less time here than ever (coward that I am).
I don't really like writing anymore, either. I hate that I ruined it for myself, that I debased it from a fun activity to a form of competition among myself and my friends. It sucks. When I'm inspired (which is rarely, as of late), I'm not inclined to actually write because of it. I don't know if it's because I'm lazy or because I'm thinking "what the use?". I just think that I'd be a lot happier if I didn't bother with it at all, so I quit. It feels good to say that, I feel like I have a vestige of my freedom back; I think what was holding me back all along was that so many of the friends I have here, I met through fic. To be perfectly honest, though, I don't care for spending so much time writing draft after draft of fic, when I could be reading books instead. I want to read more than I want to write.
I'm not really sure what'll become of this journal now. I'm not sure if I want to keep it fandom-only, since I'm still not very much into the anime/manga scene at the moment (I feel like I'm drifting), but we'll see, I guess. To those of you who were here for the fic only, I won't take it personally if you defriend. :) Thanks for staying with me this long, in fact (considering how crappy I think my writing was). And, hmm, my head hurts now, and I don't remember if I had anything else left to say at the moment, so I'm either going to turn in now or take another stab at finishing my Roxana reading for the night.
I don't really like writing anymore, either. I hate that I ruined it for myself, that I debased it from a fun activity to a form of competition among myself and my friends. It sucks. When I'm inspired (which is rarely, as of late), I'm not inclined to actually write because of it. I don't know if it's because I'm lazy or because I'm thinking "what the use?". I just think that I'd be a lot happier if I didn't bother with it at all, so I quit. It feels good to say that, I feel like I have a vestige of my freedom back; I think what was holding me back all along was that so many of the friends I have here, I met through fic. To be perfectly honest, though, I don't care for spending so much time writing draft after draft of fic, when I could be reading books instead. I want to read more than I want to write.
I'm not really sure what'll become of this journal now. I'm not sure if I want to keep it fandom-only, since I'm still not very much into the anime/manga scene at the moment (I feel like I'm drifting), but we'll see, I guess. To those of you who were here for the fic only, I won't take it personally if you defriend. :) Thanks for staying with me this long, in fact (considering how crappy I think my writing was). And, hmm, my head hurts now, and I don't remember if I had anything else left to say at the moment, so I'm either going to turn in now or take another stab at finishing my Roxana reading for the night.