(no subject)
Has anyone ever told you that there soul was tired? It seems like kind of a silly, flowery thing to say, but I'm tired, and it's not my body that needs rejuvenation. At first, I chalked it up to winter; there's many a therapist out there who would probably say that I have "seasonal depression". Tonight though, I can't put my finger on the cause or nature of my exhaustion.
I don't feel like I know anyone anymore. It's like I'm a kid again, and I don't understand the world. People are all the same and kind of funny, and the world is overwhelming and awesome. I used to love having one-on-one conversations. It always seemed like I had so many things I wanted to get off my chest and say to someone who was willing to listen. I used to think that I really understood everyone, and that I had them completely figured out. Now, I'll think that I'm upset with someone, and I'm proven wrong when I see them at a ceartain place or time and they seem so totally in the same boat as I am. Then it's impossible to be angry anymore. That boat that I'm in, I guess it's feeling really empty and afraid. We all put on a lot of smiles (and probably for good reason) because life is really scary, and it's impossible to know that things will be okay. You can convince yourself or hope that they will, but that's hard too. Don't get me wrong, I think hope is beautiful, and I admire people who have it.
I'm left a lot of times trying to make sense off all my memories. Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed, I'll try and remember everything I possibly can about one single day: what did I eat? what was the weather like? what was that really funny thing he said when we were all on the back-porch? The only thing that's impossible for me is remembering how I felt. Other times I'll try and trace an entire relationship I have or had, from the time I first met them to where we are now and how we've changed. Every time I close my eyes, I feel like I catch glimpses of who I was and where I've been.
So I don't know where to go now. Time never stops, it's always getting later and I'm always growing older. No matter how many times people tell me to try and be content or happy, I can't will myself to be that way. Happiness is so fleeting. I realize this everytime I'm alone. I talk all the time about this sort of thing now and I'm sorry. I suppose it's where I am right now. I would love to get caught up in life again.
I don't feel like I know anyone anymore. It's like I'm a kid again, and I don't understand the world. People are all the same and kind of funny, and the world is overwhelming and awesome. I used to love having one-on-one conversations. It always seemed like I had so many things I wanted to get off my chest and say to someone who was willing to listen. I used to think that I really understood everyone, and that I had them completely figured out. Now, I'll think that I'm upset with someone, and I'm proven wrong when I see them at a ceartain place or time and they seem so totally in the same boat as I am. Then it's impossible to be angry anymore. That boat that I'm in, I guess it's feeling really empty and afraid. We all put on a lot of smiles (and probably for good reason) because life is really scary, and it's impossible to know that things will be okay. You can convince yourself or hope that they will, but that's hard too. Don't get me wrong, I think hope is beautiful, and I admire people who have it.
I'm left a lot of times trying to make sense off all my memories. Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed, I'll try and remember everything I possibly can about one single day: what did I eat? what was the weather like? what was that really funny thing he said when we were all on the back-porch? The only thing that's impossible for me is remembering how I felt. Other times I'll try and trace an entire relationship I have or had, from the time I first met them to where we are now and how we've changed. Every time I close my eyes, I feel like I catch glimpses of who I was and where I've been.
So I don't know where to go now. Time never stops, it's always getting later and I'm always growing older. No matter how many times people tell me to try and be content or happy, I can't will myself to be that way. Happiness is so fleeting. I realize this everytime I'm alone. I talk all the time about this sort of thing now and I'm sorry. I suppose it's where I am right now. I would love to get caught up in life again.