(no subject)
Some days in your life are almost surreal, and I'm afraid today is one of those for me.
Jimmy and I are officially on a break. Like a real one. We may or may not get back together, but if we do at all, it won't be for quite a while.
I guess we've just hurt each other for far too long.
But today has just kind of come at me without much concern for all that. As much as I'd like to, I don't really have any time to sit around and just think about things because I'm leaving for Chapter Focus Week tomorrow and RIGHT after that (like the same day I get back) I'm moving back into the dorm (which, by the way, I can't afford). Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited about the whole thing, it's just going to add some stress to an already stressful situation.
I feel so strange. I just don't think it's even hit me yet, being single. Not feeling safe, but not feeling constricted either. I don't even know. I'm not crying much or anything, but I have this deep melancholy deep down somewhere that I will have to deal with eventually. A part of me (a big part) is just kind of being taken away. I guess that's the thing about breaking up. It's like surgery: maybe what was inside of you didn't belong, but there are risks and pains and recovery to deal with for who knows how long.
What do our memories mean now? I look around my room and I see him everywhere. The I-Love-You cards, the rocks from Lake Michigan, the jewelery, the songs he put on my computer, the things I wore to look cute for him, the whey protein I've been meaning to give to him for forever... Y'know? I mean, he's been my best friend for years, and now I don't even know if we'll be speaking anymore. Not that it was on bad terms. Quite the contrary, it was just about as friendly and mutual as these things can be. It's just that it can never be the same if we're not together. I'm not one that believes you can be friends after being in a serious relationship.
What will become of me? I feel like I'm just kind of adrift, supposed to figure out where I'm going to land and if it will be safe. How much will we be lonely? What is he doing right now? Why was he the one that suggested a break after all these times of being so dead-set against it? Did I just nag and critcize him until it killed what we had? Or was it the way he just dug in his heels and resisted or ignored all the wonderful new things life brought us?
My Mom was telling me about the son of her best friend who is newly married. Mom's friend told her that when they look at each other, she sees nothing but pure adoration and love in their eyes. That's the way it should be. And I remember that feeling myself; that feeling that this person is just the fulfillment of all things that have ever come to pass and the beginning of all things to come from then on. How did we end up acting the way we do? Mean, critical, unresponsive, defensive.
It will take me a while to put our relationship into perspective, I think. But my feeling now is that, though there a lot things I would change, I still would go on that date with him back in 10th grade. I still would let him give me my first kiss, although maybe not on the futon while watching The Matrix. I still would meet his family and pet his dog and cook out and make cherry cakes with cherry icing and go to Bloomington just for dinner and make him a pie for his birthday because I didn't have any money and hug and talk until two in the morning...
I am just crying so hard right now.
I guess you could just sum it up and say (even though it's exceedingly silly) that I would still hitch my apple wagon to his star.
THBFM
Jimmy and I are officially on a break. Like a real one. We may or may not get back together, but if we do at all, it won't be for quite a while.
I guess we've just hurt each other for far too long.
But today has just kind of come at me without much concern for all that. As much as I'd like to, I don't really have any time to sit around and just think about things because I'm leaving for Chapter Focus Week tomorrow and RIGHT after that (like the same day I get back) I'm moving back into the dorm (which, by the way, I can't afford). Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited about the whole thing, it's just going to add some stress to an already stressful situation.
I feel so strange. I just don't think it's even hit me yet, being single. Not feeling safe, but not feeling constricted either. I don't even know. I'm not crying much or anything, but I have this deep melancholy deep down somewhere that I will have to deal with eventually. A part of me (a big part) is just kind of being taken away. I guess that's the thing about breaking up. It's like surgery: maybe what was inside of you didn't belong, but there are risks and pains and recovery to deal with for who knows how long.
What do our memories mean now? I look around my room and I see him everywhere. The I-Love-You cards, the rocks from Lake Michigan, the jewelery, the songs he put on my computer, the things I wore to look cute for him, the whey protein I've been meaning to give to him for forever... Y'know? I mean, he's been my best friend for years, and now I don't even know if we'll be speaking anymore. Not that it was on bad terms. Quite the contrary, it was just about as friendly and mutual as these things can be. It's just that it can never be the same if we're not together. I'm not one that believes you can be friends after being in a serious relationship.
What will become of me? I feel like I'm just kind of adrift, supposed to figure out where I'm going to land and if it will be safe. How much will we be lonely? What is he doing right now? Why was he the one that suggested a break after all these times of being so dead-set against it? Did I just nag and critcize him until it killed what we had? Or was it the way he just dug in his heels and resisted or ignored all the wonderful new things life brought us?
My Mom was telling me about the son of her best friend who is newly married. Mom's friend told her that when they look at each other, she sees nothing but pure adoration and love in their eyes. That's the way it should be. And I remember that feeling myself; that feeling that this person is just the fulfillment of all things that have ever come to pass and the beginning of all things to come from then on. How did we end up acting the way we do? Mean, critical, unresponsive, defensive.
It will take me a while to put our relationship into perspective, I think. But my feeling now is that, though there a lot things I would change, I still would go on that date with him back in 10th grade. I still would let him give me my first kiss, although maybe not on the futon while watching The Matrix. I still would meet his family and pet his dog and cook out and make cherry cakes with cherry icing and go to Bloomington just for dinner and make him a pie for his birthday because I didn't have any money and hug and talk until two in the morning...
I am just crying so hard right now.
I guess you could just sum it up and say (even though it's exceedingly silly) that I would still hitch my apple wagon to his star.
THBFM