We're just friends...
Well...
I guess we both knew it wouldn't last forever. But I certainly thought it would have lasted longer than this. Last night, we got together to discuss what we were gonna do about the summer, and the fact that he was going away next year. I thought things were going well, we were discussing how we'd be able to get together, and how I could take the train up to see him and whatever and he said, "So, what do you think?" and I said "I think it's gonna work." and then he said "Well...I think it's better not to." and I just started sobbing. He explained that next year he and I are both going to be very busy and we won't have time for one another, and that it was too hard to have a long distance relationship. It was better, we agreed, to not keep things going until they really hurt. I know he was just trying to protect me. He's always told me he was the protector, and that I was the innocent. It's not that I'm afraid of being single, or alone. I just was really happy with him. I never thought I could be that happy with another person, and here I was, actually happy. It's not that I can't accept that it's over...but endings just hurt. He made me feel beautiful, and wanted. But we were such good friends...we always have been...and we're going to continue to be. This isn't like when I broke up with Matt...we both really do want to be friends still. It makes me feel like crying to know he cares enough about me to try to keep me from getting hurt in the future.
He said that I shouldn't be settling down yet, and that he doesn't want to. We both need to figure out more of what we want first, and that he thought I would want someone totally different. This made me cry too.
The one thing that really got to me was that he said "Here's lookin' at you, kid", which is what Matt wrote in his lj after I broke up with him. I started crying even harder. At least Steve let me cry into his shoulder.
Being the dumper sucks like a monkey, but being the dumpee, when you least expect it (even if you do expect it a little) sucks far more.
I still feel like crying every time I think of him.
Today, on the way home "Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me" came up on my iPod and I nearly started crying. Same with "Let's Hear It For Love", when I sang the line "Let's hear it for promises, something sealed with a kiss" I nearly started crying.
I'm not mad at him...but just sad, that's all. I promise not to get bitter this time. I'm just upset that I wasted valuble time that I could have spent with him. We could have spent 5 months together....but, anyway, that probably would have made this harder.
On top of all of that, I'm back in Chicago for the summer. And everyone I've learned to love this year is a gazillion miles away from me. I don't have any of my girls anywhere near me. I miss my Katie. She spent most of last night with me, and squeezed all of the tears out of me each time I started crying again.
*sniff*
I guess we both knew it wouldn't last forever. But I certainly thought it would have lasted longer than this. Last night, we got together to discuss what we were gonna do about the summer, and the fact that he was going away next year. I thought things were going well, we were discussing how we'd be able to get together, and how I could take the train up to see him and whatever and he said, "So, what do you think?" and I said "I think it's gonna work." and then he said "Well...I think it's better not to." and I just started sobbing. He explained that next year he and I are both going to be very busy and we won't have time for one another, and that it was too hard to have a long distance relationship. It was better, we agreed, to not keep things going until they really hurt. I know he was just trying to protect me. He's always told me he was the protector, and that I was the innocent. It's not that I'm afraid of being single, or alone. I just was really happy with him. I never thought I could be that happy with another person, and here I was, actually happy. It's not that I can't accept that it's over...but endings just hurt. He made me feel beautiful, and wanted. But we were such good friends...we always have been...and we're going to continue to be. This isn't like when I broke up with Matt...we both really do want to be friends still. It makes me feel like crying to know he cares enough about me to try to keep me from getting hurt in the future.
He said that I shouldn't be settling down yet, and that he doesn't want to. We both need to figure out more of what we want first, and that he thought I would want someone totally different. This made me cry too.
The one thing that really got to me was that he said "Here's lookin' at you, kid", which is what Matt wrote in his lj after I broke up with him. I started crying even harder. At least Steve let me cry into his shoulder.
Being the dumper sucks like a monkey, but being the dumpee, when you least expect it (even if you do expect it a little) sucks far more.
I still feel like crying every time I think of him.
Today, on the way home "Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me" came up on my iPod and I nearly started crying. Same with "Let's Hear It For Love", when I sang the line "Let's hear it for promises, something sealed with a kiss" I nearly started crying.
I'm not mad at him...but just sad, that's all. I promise not to get bitter this time. I'm just upset that I wasted valuble time that I could have spent with him. We could have spent 5 months together....but, anyway, that probably would have made this harder.
On top of all of that, I'm back in Chicago for the summer. And everyone I've learned to love this year is a gazillion miles away from me. I don't have any of my girls anywhere near me. I miss my Katie. She spent most of last night with me, and squeezed all of the tears out of me each time I started crying again.
*sniff*