Insanity of the pouring rain that Doesn't exist.
I cannot take much more of life. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, everything goes wrong. I cannot take much more. MY mind is crumbling and my body is following in suit. My birthday is soon and instead of being happy that my holiday is coming, I am feeling the pressure of time along with the endless bounty of pain that life brings before me. My lovelife is in the crapper, and anything I try to improve it, causes more foul odour to flow out. This happens when two hopeless people fall in love and can't walkk away from each other, even when both people know that it's just getting worse. Along with the pain I feel from reality bombarding me from all angles as I realize how old I am and how nothing has been acomplished. All the dreams I have had and how I have never followed them. Watching friends you knew to be wild and crazy, that you helped through rough times, playing with their son and talking about how cute he is when he does somethings as simple as splashing.
I feel weighted down by the world and time as I have no career, no business, no education, and no life. I feel ashamed in front of my friends and peers. I do what I tend to do in moments of great depression and pain. I hide in my room, and try to play video games, or do work to get my mind away from reality. Taking images and spending hours to try and make it look just right, though I probably could have finished the whole project in that time. It's been getting worse too. On what seams all fronts. I have a week before my birthday, and I know what I want to do, but can't pull myself together. Most of my brother will be visiting me. Three of the Five guys that I have felt closer than blood for almost all my life. I fear of us losing touch. One of them I had't heard from in over a year, I finally got a hold of once, he's engaged and has a son as well.
I dont know what I need to do at this point, I need to go and do, but feel so trapped. And all I can do is work, and avaoid life. Because everytime I get myself to poke my head out, somehting else has gone wrong. I dont know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to be asked advise all the time at one point in my life, and now i can't even give myself any. I feel pretty safe throwing my crap out here, cause I dont feel anyone really reads my randerings anyway. I'm just "that one guy" anyway. Not someone that many know. Oi Vey.
I feel weighted down by the world and time as I have no career, no business, no education, and no life. I feel ashamed in front of my friends and peers. I do what I tend to do in moments of great depression and pain. I hide in my room, and try to play video games, or do work to get my mind away from reality. Taking images and spending hours to try and make it look just right, though I probably could have finished the whole project in that time. It's been getting worse too. On what seams all fronts. I have a week before my birthday, and I know what I want to do, but can't pull myself together. Most of my brother will be visiting me. Three of the Five guys that I have felt closer than blood for almost all my life. I fear of us losing touch. One of them I had't heard from in over a year, I finally got a hold of once, he's engaged and has a son as well.
I dont know what I need to do at this point, I need to go and do, but feel so trapped. And all I can do is work, and avaoid life. Because everytime I get myself to poke my head out, somehting else has gone wrong. I dont know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to be asked advise all the time at one point in my life, and now i can't even give myself any. I feel pretty safe throwing my crap out here, cause I dont feel anyone really reads my randerings anyway. I'm just "that one guy" anyway. Not someone that many know. Oi Vey.