Fridy Night Lights
You know, you never look back on things and say that you regret some of those choices you made back in the day. Like quitting football as an example. I just got done watching Friday Night Lights and it made me have so many flash backs to high school football, that it made me think about making that comeback if I were to go to Western. Now I had been messing round with the idea that if I worked out a ton and went to tryouts up in Zoo, that I might have a really good chance of playing on Special Teams. My family thinks I could do it since I played on S.T. in high school as a kick returner. I mean I'm too little to play running back or linebacker or corner or safety now. Plus these guys out weight me by a good 40 or 50 pounds....atleast! And the fact that I could jack up my knees even more from when I play high school ball, oh man, that seriously brought a few tears to my eyes. I even watched the movie last night with Ann Marie and when I saw the kid go down with his knee, I just grabbed tighter to her cuz I knew what it felt like and if I wanted to make a comeback, Id have to play with that fear of having that happen to me. Plus seeing the other kid go with a dislocated sholder. I've already had 18 of those and I dont need anymore. My sholder is shot to hell already and I dont need to totally lose my good arm for good. It scares me to even think bout all this shit cuz it brings back memories that haunt me everyday of my life. Watching football on tv or on movies, just makes me think about everything I did and how I did it to mess up my body. So what I had to take like 6400mg a day after practice and God knows how much after a game. So what if I play with a broken foot, only two days after it got broke. It was still a hell of a game, 150+ yards and 2 TD's!! So what if I had 14 dislocated sholders. So what if I jacked up my knees and didnt say shit. That my problem and I have to live with it everyday of my life no. I cant go back and change what I did three years ago. It even harder for me to say all this on such a public thing. Not many people know what I trully did to my body those two years I played in high school. Coaches didnt know, teachers didnt know, trainers didnt know, parents didnt know, gf's didnt know (well they kinda did cuz I was in pain 24-7), only my B offense team knew what I did and maybe a few others. I did pills in school, before practice, in the locker room. I wasnt afraid to do what I did. Thats just how I was. Shit, along with all that, 3 cracked ribs that still havent healed to this day cuz I came back way too early before they were healed. Plus my foot, those couple days on crutches were hell and I came back three weeks early cuz I knew it was that little extra somethin I needed to push myself and kick somebodys ass in that game. I look back on it all now and I can replay every down I played in of every game I was in. Runnin for the endzone for two points on that day that my grandpa died or runnin somebody over cuz I wanted that extra few yards or runnin between the tackles to find room to run and get that six, it haunts me everyday. People say its "day dreaming". Well I say its a living nightmare. Being able to see shit like that replay in your head second for second, detail for detail, just doesnt seem right. Damn......getting hit in the head a hell of a lot more didnt help neither. Memory lose....just add it to the list of shit thats wrong with me. Maybe I should go tryout at Western. Then I could say I died playing football and died on a football feild. That would definitly be something happy. But yet...it'd be that living nightmare. W/e.......shit just isnt right. Why did God make me like this? Why did he put these memories in my head? Why did I make all those stupid choices? WHY?? THAT SHIT WASNT WORTH A DAMN THING WHEN I LOOK BACK NOW!! NONE OF IT!! Kids are out there today trying to be like Randy Moss and the Bus and Steve Young or Barry Sanders or Dan Marino. Its not worth it. The Bus has hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning cuz hes so messed up from playing in the game so long. Hes a hell or a running back, but I sure as hell dont wanna end up like that if I came back to the game. Fuck it thats it for now.........