Are you lost, Cause i am
Five years ago i was 16 at my prime, I would hang out with my boyz Brian and Yorgos fucking cruise around all day all night all morning smoking drinking just havin' a kick ass time. We often found ourselves riding around til the butt crack of the morning not knowing what to do just doing whatever talking about chica's and shit and having to explain
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my brother was always like a guiding hand since my father was basically just a fat fucking blubberball who never did anything for his kids back then he was my only role model what do you do when everything you've ever known changes in the blink of an eye i was the first person in my family to find out about the accident i was 16 sitting at home alone i remember the day more clearly then anything else i had the radio on 104.1 blasting i was playing jedi knight 1 for computer the old doom style first person shooter with horrible graffix it was weird at the exact time the song i was listening to ended the phone rang i jumped to my feet and turned off the radio grabbed the phone and in that instant i had to go from being a child to being an adult hearing those heart rending words from a complete stranger that "theres been an accident" i still dont think i've ever fully recovered from the mental shock of that moment. while its true i started smoking weed before then after that day it became my escape and when my mom realized what i was doing and tried to take it away from me i lashed out her and the rest of my family like a cornered scared animal. without my escape there is only harsh reality and greif i still can't come to terms with when i lose the slightest bit of self control i miss the old days and i would give up anything in the world to return to them but its just not possible
im hoping when i get my car that the freedom and fun i'll experience from it will come a fraction of a percent close to being a child again this summer better be good it has to be good because its all i have to look forward to i haven't the slightest fucking clue what im going to do in my future other people that haven't experienced pain such as we know it seem to lead such happy and full lives doing what they need to do but for me it just seems like whats the point all i wanna do is stop the million different voices in my head my own voice the millions of different thoughts in my head and just be me but the only way i can stop myself from overanalyzing ever single aspect of my life is get high because of that its my primary driving ambition while not everyone can truly understand anothers feelings we can relate and those of us who cant relate cant even begin to comprehend the true meaning of the word pain
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