That feeling I hate
Blah, blah, blah.
Like all of my problems, my anxiety issues are really mild.
There's this feeling I get sometimes for NO reason where I feel really embarrassed and "anxious"... Not anxious about anything that's going to happen or anything, it's always about something that happened in the past. Something everybody else has long forgotten, or some utterly trivial and random thing that nobody would even think was embarrassing, and may not even have BEEN at the time. It may be big stuff, but mostly it's just trivial. Fleeting, awkward moments that for whatever reason left a deep impression. The problem is, it's hard to shake the feeling. It just sits there, seeping insecurity into my psyche. Making me feel GENERALLY insecure about myself for absolutely no reason.
It's a sickening feeling. I can't really describe it. Man. I just dunno.
There are other insecurities, but this one really bothers me the most because it's so unconscious. It makes me feel stupid for even feeling it. XD
On a somewhat related note, I really want to do comics again. I just lack the confidence and direction right now to start anything. I want what I do to be PERFECT and something that will appeal to lots of people. Ideally, I suppose I want it to be one of those lovely, funny, poigniant, intellectual, well-drawn, super-hip comics that delights readers with its depth and whimsy (I sure don't ask for much, do I). Sadly, there are a lot of indicators that suggest that I am not the kind of person who is CAPABLE of making that sort of comic. This is horribly depressing. I sort of hate myself for not being that kind of person, and for, instead, being the kind of person that I am.
I know I shouldn't feel ashamed, since I've been trying hard to improve myself, but it's such slow going. Old bad habits and beliefs and prejudices don't go easily into the night. I feel like I've made a lot of progress over the past couple of years, and yet STILL I feel like by everyone else's standards I am a pathetic shell of a human. I need to quit telling myself that, of course.
Still, I don't feel like I can blame my conscious self for everything. I got a rather... difficult personality type. I also had an upbringing that made it hard to overcome a lot of bad thinking and biases and insecurity. I have so many weird quirks/flaws that make "finding myself" damned difficult because every time I think I figure something out and come to terms with some aspect of myself, there's YET ANOTHER ONE waiting just around the corner. I am complicated. But really I am probably just pathetic. Everybody else is the same way, right?
When I try to be confident, I come across as arrogant. Fuck. What am I supposed to do? When other people are snarky it's hilarious and so true. When I get snarky I'm just a bitter jerk. WHY?
I can't just say "Whateva, I do what I want!" because I'm supposed to try and connect with other people. When I try and connect with people I admire, I feel like an idiot fantard and get the distinct impression that I am Not Wanted. When I try to connect with people who admire me, sometimes its gratifying, but I sometimes I get the feeling they're intimidated by me - unless we somehow get to know each other well, in which case I tend to spout TMI and they find me exasperating. XD
Oh well. Anyway. This is my journal so I am posting my personal thoughts and feelings. DEAL WITH IT.
P.S., I really wish I had more icons. XD
Like all of my problems, my anxiety issues are really mild.
There's this feeling I get sometimes for NO reason where I feel really embarrassed and "anxious"... Not anxious about anything that's going to happen or anything, it's always about something that happened in the past. Something everybody else has long forgotten, or some utterly trivial and random thing that nobody would even think was embarrassing, and may not even have BEEN at the time. It may be big stuff, but mostly it's just trivial. Fleeting, awkward moments that for whatever reason left a deep impression. The problem is, it's hard to shake the feeling. It just sits there, seeping insecurity into my psyche. Making me feel GENERALLY insecure about myself for absolutely no reason.
It's a sickening feeling. I can't really describe it. Man. I just dunno.
There are other insecurities, but this one really bothers me the most because it's so unconscious. It makes me feel stupid for even feeling it. XD
On a somewhat related note, I really want to do comics again. I just lack the confidence and direction right now to start anything. I want what I do to be PERFECT and something that will appeal to lots of people. Ideally, I suppose I want it to be one of those lovely, funny, poigniant, intellectual, well-drawn, super-hip comics that delights readers with its depth and whimsy (I sure don't ask for much, do I). Sadly, there are a lot of indicators that suggest that I am not the kind of person who is CAPABLE of making that sort of comic. This is horribly depressing. I sort of hate myself for not being that kind of person, and for, instead, being the kind of person that I am.
I know I shouldn't feel ashamed, since I've been trying hard to improve myself, but it's such slow going. Old bad habits and beliefs and prejudices don't go easily into the night. I feel like I've made a lot of progress over the past couple of years, and yet STILL I feel like by everyone else's standards I am a pathetic shell of a human. I need to quit telling myself that, of course.
Still, I don't feel like I can blame my conscious self for everything. I got a rather... difficult personality type. I also had an upbringing that made it hard to overcome a lot of bad thinking and biases and insecurity. I have so many weird quirks/flaws that make "finding myself" damned difficult because every time I think I figure something out and come to terms with some aspect of myself, there's YET ANOTHER ONE waiting just around the corner. I am complicated. But really I am probably just pathetic. Everybody else is the same way, right?
When I try to be confident, I come across as arrogant. Fuck. What am I supposed to do? When other people are snarky it's hilarious and so true. When I get snarky I'm just a bitter jerk. WHY?
I can't just say "Whateva, I do what I want!" because I'm supposed to try and connect with other people. When I try and connect with people I admire, I feel like an idiot fantard and get the distinct impression that I am Not Wanted. When I try to connect with people who admire me, sometimes its gratifying, but I sometimes I get the feeling they're intimidated by me - unless we somehow get to know each other well, in which case I tend to spout TMI and they find me exasperating. XD
Oh well. Anyway. This is my journal so I am posting my personal thoughts and feelings. DEAL WITH IT.
P.S., I really wish I had more icons. XD