Broccoli and Brothers part 2
Part 2...
When Sam's been gone six months, Dean ditches school, goes to the lake and sits there for hours. When he comes home his dad's sitting at the kitchen table, drunk.
He screams at Dean to start talking, to do something and finishes by breaking down, sobbing on the kitchen floor.
The next morning Dad tells him he'll start hunting again. Sam's gone.
Dean's scared they will move, he's not ready yet, he's going to stay there until Sammy comes home. Dad seems to understand that, pats him on the shoulder before he walk out of the door, telling him he'll be home in a week. Dean stands by the door completely still for five minutes.
His Dad told him Sam was gone.
It's not that different; Dad was "hunting" before, searching for Sam. Now it's back to creatures and ghosts. Dean continues as usual in school, does his homework, sits quiet in class and after school he goes to work. Once a week, he visits Bill and sits there for an hour, the two of them just looking at each other. Dean wonders if he should take up knitting for those hours he's just sitting there, doing nothing.
When Dad's been hunting for a month he comes home one night, looking sad and bleeding from a nasty wound on his shoulder.
Before Dean walks to school the next morning, his dad puts his newspaper down and tells Dean he wants to talk to him. "We need to make some changes Dean," he says. "We can't continue like this."
When he comes home from the auto shop that day, there are groceries in the fridge.
Dad makes a burned lasagne for dinner and even lights one of their ritual candles to make it homier. Dean sits on one of the beds staring at his dad humming in the small kitchen while cooking with an old radio blaring a bad static song from the one channel he could find.
He asks Dean nicely, smiling even, to set the table and Dean almost throws himself on the bottle of holy water. Dad answers the attack by chuckling, chuckling!
Great, Dean thinks while his father serves him some broccoli, Dad's lost it.
The thing is, Dad won't stop. He still goes hunting, but he's home more than he's ever been, and when he's home, he cooks, makes jokes and even tries to take Dean to one of the local basketball games. Neither of them likes basketball and they end up at a diner where dad buys them both the biggest ice-cream on the menu.
On Sam's birthday Dean decides it's time to get drunk again. His dad's away on a hunt for two nights and has probably forgotten about it or ignored it. Dean wish Sam could see their new chipper and joyful dad and he imagines Sam's smile and how they both would think dad was crazy. He sits at the room drinking because he wants to forget that, he doesn't want to think about it. He just wants to drink until he throws it all up again, because somehow that would actually help.
But it still comes to him; Sam's thirteen today, a teenager, and Dean can't share that moment with him. "Congratulations , you just made my life even more miserable"
Somehow the liquor has a small taste of saltwater.
Dean knows he can't continue the non-talking non-caring behaviour so he tries, for his dad and for the fact that if he doesn't do something someone will take him away, or he has to meet more psychologists or doctors. Bill's talking about treatment and the teachers are sending him worrying looks. And since he hasn't found Sam yet, he has to change. He will stay in that town as long as it takes.
He starts small. One night he grins when Dad makes a lame joke that they should check out the delivery guy because he moved a bit like a zombie.
Dad drops the pizza on the floor.
He still doesn't talk to people, he got nothing to say really, and he's not interested in answering their questions. But he improves.
When Miss Miller ask the class how many chambers a heart's got, Dean pulls up his hand. Miss Miller stops, confused "…Mr Winchester?"
Dean holds up four fingers, ignoring his classmates' stunned faces. Miss Miller looks like it's Christmas. If Dean had known he could make someone that excited by waving a few fingers in the air he would have done it weeks ago.
The bad thing about it all is that Bill won't stop talking about it. Dean decides he made a big mistake with the whole connecting with people thing when he walks into the psychologist room, the guy is practically glowing he's so happy.
Apparently Dean's had a big breakthrough, and everyone knows about it. People are smiling at him, encouraging him and telling him how brave he is and he feels annoyed by the fact everyone's treating him like a five year old. It's not like he couldn't answer questions before, it was a choice he made by not doing it. He had done it now so that people would leave him alone, but apparently it didn't work, since they obviously didn't.
But they seem happy, and Dean's not concerned they'll take him away any more. It's all that matters.
-oOo-
He got a future, a dad who's trying, a place he's actually been staying for longer than just
a few months, a number of teachers telling him about college and jobs. He knows that Sally and at least ten other girls at school are into him, he knows Jeff could be his friend if Dean wanted to and that Joe would gladly let him work at the auto shop for the rest of his life.
But somehow, that doesn't matter. He doesn't want to, because honestly, it just hurts too much.
It hurts him to think about a life without Sam and he doesn't think he could ever do it.
Sitting by the lake watching the sun come down, reflecting itself in the perfectly mirror of the lake's surface.
He doesn't want to think about a future without his geeky little brother, the life he's living now.
Dean looks at the gun in his hand, the gun that should have been polished months ago and knows he can't do it. He knows he won't be able to, not until they find Sam.
Not until he knows, until he's absolutely sure that Sam's ...
-oOo-
School ends and it's summer vacation.
The principal calls Dean to his office and gives him a nervous speech about why they need to empty Sam's locker. Bill is also sitting in the room and Dean suspects it's because the principal is scared Dean will have a mental breakdown and kill him.
Dean however takes the news pretty good. The fact they haven't told Dean to empty the locker before actually means a great deal. It doesn't make it easier to actually do it though.
The principal says someone else can do it, but Dean knows he must be the one. Bill follows him at first but disappears after Dean gives him a murderous look.
He stands in front of the locker staring at it for an hour before he can actually open it. After that it takes thirty minutes before he manages to look inside. It's been months since Dean looked at any of Sam's stuff, both he and his dad avoids Sam's stuff at the motel room like the plague and Dean doesn't think he's ready yet. He's looked at everything before, and the police as well in the beginning of everything and even that was hard.
In the end Dean quickly throws everything in a blue plastic bag, and then goes to the bathroom to be sick. To summon it up: it took one and a half hour to open the locker, one minute to empty it and fifteen minutes to deal with the after-effects. He doesn't feel any better when he thinks about the fact Sam would so tease him about that.
-oOo-
In July, his Dad stops with his joyfulness and Dean feels relieved. Relived that he didn't have to check his dad into a mental institute and glad he won't be surrounded by fake happiness at home any more.
Dean follows his dad on one hunt, taking out his frustration by killing the thing.
His Dad watches, nodding approvingly when Dean stabs it six times more then he have to. Somehow Dean doesn't think this is what Bill meant by trying other things to take his mind off Sam.
He also goes for a visit to Bobby's. It's hard leaving town because he wants to be there just in case, in case Sam would come back. But he actually trusts the town people. He seriously doesn't think they wouldn't notice Sam, so he leaves for a week. Bobby seems to enjoy the company and Dean actually does too. It feels pretty good to be away from the town he now lives in considering he hates it there.
When school starts again everyone greets Dean. It feels weird to come back for a place where people know you and to have them ask if you had a good summer vacation (yes, a few of them actually asks that. Dean just glares at them).
Sally seems to have decided Dean will be her boyfriend and no one is more surprised than Dean when they're standing in a corner kissing, with Sally whispering about how hot he is with his mysterious silence. For a while Dean pretends that's what it is, a mysterious silence and no one knows why. Unfortunately it's only Sally who's stupid enough not to understand why Dean won't talk.
-oOo-
The night before it's been a year since Sam disappeared neither of them get any sleep. His dad gets up around six, get dressed and steps out the motel door where he stands still for a minute until he leaves. Dean can hear the rumble of the Impala as his dad drives away and for a moment he's scared his Dad will leave too, that this was the last time they saw each other.
His Dad will come back, though, he knows that, and Dean stays in bed for a few more hours. There's no way he's going to school or work so he just lies there trying to make time go by faster until he sees the dusty duffel bag and the blue plastic bag in the corner. That's when it comes to his mind that he doesn't remember what book Sam was reading the day he went missing. He doesn't remember the way Sam used to pout his mouth when he was angry or the sound of his voice when he was happy about something. Hell, even Sam's laugh is fading from his mind.
Then realization hits him. That Sam's been missing for a year, a whole year. That he hasn't heard or seen his brother for 365 long days. The longest they'd ever been without each other before was four days. And now it's been a year. And he realizes that his brother is missing, and no one can find him, that he'll probably live forever never knowing what happened.
The cold air creeps inside his jacket when he leaves the room and he hurries to the auto shop and walks in and grabs a key chain ignoring Joe's stare, take one of the cars and drives away. Joe won't call the police, but he seriously wouldn't care if that was the case.
And Dean drives, he drives for a few hours until he's somewhere where there's no people and steps out of the car and screams. He screams as loud as he can, cursing and yelling, screaming for his brother to come back because it's about damn time. Screams to make the pain stop.
Then he cries, for the first time since Sam disappeared he allows himself to really cry, because he's sad. Because his brother is missing.
Driving back home, he returns the car and sit down on his bed and wait for the day to pass.
Bobby comes by again after that. Neither of the Winchesters had picked up their phones that day and Bobby is more than a little upset.
Dean knows Bobby is mainly concerned about Dean and angry at John for not doing something.
Dean also knows he is depressed, really. It's not a secret; he just knows he won't be able to ever be truly happy again, so why bother.
-oOo-
November the second has always been a bad day for the Winchesters. Last year it was somehow a bit forgotten. They were busy trying to find Sam and while the day was there and they knew about it, their reality was already so awful they didn't have the energy to think about another member of the family that was gone. And there was no time for grieving; they just had to find Sam.
This year however, it's worse than ever. No Mary and no Sam, just the two who are left wishing they were gone as well.
Dean wonders sometimes how life will play out.
He'll never give up. As long as he doesn't know where Sam is, if there's the slightest chance Sam is alive he won't give up, but he won't be happy along the way. So, somehow, he manages. Because he just have to. The only thing that keeps him going is Sam, and to find him he has to stay strong and alive.
People keep telling him that he can have a life; he can enjoy things, talk, laugh and find love. He's heard the cheesy speech at least a dozen times. "That's what Sam would have wanted," they say, "for you to move on with your life."
Dean knows better than anyone that Sam would kill him if he knew how Dean was handling the whole thing, but that's the whole point. Sam's not there.
It's not like he wants to learn more in school, take Sally on a date or go for a joyride in a car. And while he might go to school, work with cars and kiss Sally sometimes in a dark room, he doesn't enjoy it. He does it because he has to. Not because he's trying to find his way back in life, or whatever.
The end of November brings chilly winds to the area. Dean is keeping himself busy with school and work.
His dad comes home for a few days and they eat take-out in front of the old TV. His dad talks a bit about the latest hunt, but otherwise they don't say much. Well, Dean doesn't say anything as usual. Dad seems to have given up about getting him to talk and for that Dean is glad. He have enough people bugging him about it.
One day Dean goes outside the motel room to buy some food for them, and spots the Impala. No one has clearly looked after it for a year. It's all dirty and dusty and inside the car there are all kinds of junk. He makes it his little project and kills a few hours trying to take care of it. That is until he finds one of Sam's socks next to a can of Sam's favourite soda. He stops quickly after that and decides the Impala is good as it is.
-oOo-
One year, two month and three days after that day, Sam walks into the classroom during a boring history lesson where Sally keeps passing him dirty notes.
Sam stops in the doorway and Dean stares.
No teacher has ever heard the classroom so quiet before, you couldn't even hear the pipes that usually whistle during complicated tests.
Everyone in the room recognised Sam (except new guy Steve who looks weirdly at everyone), they've seen him in person, on posters and on the news.
Dean stares.
For two whole minutes nothing happens, everyone is just staring.
Sam at Dean, and the whole room at Sam.
Then Dean stands up. He just don't care, he doesn't care if it's a ghost, a hallucination, a demon or a fucking shapehifter. He just wants to hold his little brother. And he does.
-oOo-
Sam's sitting on his bed reading something when he looks up at Dean. "Seriously Dean, it's distracting. Just take a picture and get it over with."
"Huh?" Dean comes back to reality. He's standing by the sink with a plate in one hand and a towel in the other, lost in thoughts looking at his brother once again like he can't believe Sam is actually there.
"Oh…sorry." He puts the plate down and thinks for a minute, "Maybe we should buy one."
"A what?" Sam takes his eyes of the book again.
"A camera, genius," Dean says grinning. "We've never had one."
"Never?" Sam says looking more interested and Dean knows where this is going.
"Well you know, I guess we had. Before," Before the fire," but not since. It might be fun."
Sam huffs, "Yeah. I don't think dad will approve. Unless we can tell him the importance of having a camera when we're hunting."
Dean laughs, imagining dad taking tourist pictures in the middle of a hunt. "Fine, Sammy. You're right. As always."
Sam grins and starts reading again just as their dad opens the door.
"Ready to get outta here boys?"
"Hell yeah," Dean says moving fast to get their bags. Sam's been back three weeks and Dean can't wait to leave the town that's been his home for the past fifteen, sixteen months.
Sam however sighs, put his book down, "I kind of like this town. Why can't we stay over Christmas at least?" he asks in his trademark, whiny voice.
It's quiet for a few seconds before Sam burst out laughing. "You should have seen your faces!" He laughs, trying to catch his breath.
Dad gives him a stern look and says, "That's not funny, Sam," even though Dean can see his father's mouth twitching.
"Yeah," Dean says, trying to hide his grin. "Just because you're the towns new cuddly boy doesn't mean we want to stay here."
Sam blushes. He'd been very surprised, coming back, with everyone knowing who he was and giving him gifts and teary hugs.
"Let's just leave", Sam says, stalking out of the door. Dean gets a smirk from his father and hurries out of the door, not looking back at the motel room.
They've been driving for ten minutes and Sam's already out for the count, book hanging loose from his hands. He hasn't been sleeping well since coming back and Dean is grateful he's getting some rest. It's been the only side effect Sam's had from the year they've been apart, nightmares and uneasiness. Sam's been very lucky, though. The idiot that kidnapped Sam seemed to have been a "nice" idiot. He had kept Sam locked up in a room that even Sam couldn't escape (the guy had been that good), given him food, letting him watch movies, read books, only giving some empty threats. There had also been a few more kids, so Sam hadn't been completely alone. Being apart from his family and bored had been the only terrible thing (and the whole kidnapping experience in all of course), but that had been bad enough.
Why the guy had been holding Sam and the other children captured is still a mystery but Dean knows they're on their way finding out soon. Supernatural or not, their father will find him.
"Dad," Dean says in a hushed voice, "could we stop at the school for a few minutes? I need to do something."
Dad gives him a questioning look, but turns to park by the school. "Just make it quick. I want to leave before everyone finds out we're actually leaving."
Dean knows his father is in a hurry. The town would probably throw them a goodbye party if they knew what they were doing. The scariest part is that some probably already know, the townspeople are sneaky that way.
Dean zips his jacket up and hurries into the school, walking along the corridors one last time.
He stops outside Bill's door for a few seconds before knocking and walking in.
Bill's in the middle of what looks like another boring session with a student when Dean comes in. He's not looking happy but Dean guesses it's because they never did any progress and they haven't seen each other since Sam been back.
Dean's back because, hey, Bill took a lot of time being with Dean (although Dean didn't want to) and he should at least get some credits for trying.
Dean looks at Bill and tosses him a packet. Bill gives him an unsure look but pick up the packet where it landed.
"I just missed him, that's all," Dean says and smiles, mostly at the look of Bill's face (who's never heard him talk, or seen him smile) because that's seriously got to be the funniest thing he's seen in a long while. Except Sam's reaction when Miss Goggily burst out crying when she saw Sam and hugged him for ten long minutes. Dean almost cracked a rib, he was laughing so hard.
He gives Bill one last smile and leaves, hoping Bill will wear the present he bought for him; the ugliest tie he could find in this dreadful town.
The classes are ending and Dean quickly walks through the mass of students, spots his dad parked nearby and gets in the car. He smiles as his dad nervously looks over his shoulder to see if anyone is following them before taking off in a cautious speed, not fast nor slow enough to catch anyones attention. John Winchester - the great hunter, scared of townsfolk... Dean hides his grin by turning his face towards his sleeping brother, taking in the fact that Sam is actually in the backseat of the Impala.
Not until they're completely out of town Dean can breathe out for the first time since Sam disappeared.
All three Winchesters safe and together, knowing they will never, ever be back.