I Know What I Should Do (But I Just Can't Walk Away) (1/3) - Gossip Girl
TITLE: I Know What I Should Do (But I Just Can't Walk Away) (1/3)
AUTHOR: tvconnoisseur
CATEGORY: Angst, Drama
CHARACTER/PAIRING: Dan/Blair (Chuck/Blair, Dan/Serena)
SPOILERS: Up to 4x11
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: language, brief sex
SUMMARY: She doesn't love him, but she could if she let herself.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gossip Girl.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: DUDE, I DARE TO DAIR LIKE I DON'T CARE (but I do, obviously). I stopped watching the show in Season 2 and this is the first storyline that's epic enough to bring me back. A trio of vignette trios. Lyrics and title from Jimmy Eat World's "Kill".
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I'll always be
i.
Blair Waldorf relishes being in control. Not that anyone would have guessed otherwise; it is, perhaps, her most defining trait.
There is such an inevitability to Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. Blair had found a sense of control in that inevitability once upon a time--she had made a man love her and he would love her forever--but now it feels hot under the collar and her breath catches in her chest and her whole body shakes because even though Chuck has ripped her heart out, she knows one day she will go back for more.
She consoles herself with thoughts that Chuck will grow up and then they will meet again and there will be no tears and lies and heartbreak. Even if Chuck stays the same Chuck, at least she will inevitably become professionally successful with her own undeniable propensity for greatness. Of that, she is certain--even if she has to do it saddled with that bumbling idiot Dan Humphrey.
An unholy union with Dan Humphrey is not inevitable to Blair, but she deals with this twist of fate the best she can. Blair avoids noticing their similarities--drive, judgment, being in love with someone that made you feel inconsequential--and focuses purely on how he's ruining her life. He politely does the same.
Unfortunately, their like natures get the best of them and suddenly Blair finds herself kicked out of the W party with frizzed hair and a disheveled Dan Humphrey by her side. They had really fucked that one up. She would like to blame it all on Dan, but there she was too, letting pettiness get in the way of destiny. Now both of them are left without an internship or a future.
(Powerful Woman and Next Great American Author had seemed as inevitable as Chuck and Blair and Serena and Dan, but apparently they had overestimated those as well.)
She refuses to cry in front of Dan Humphrey, but she has no problem getting drunk with him. He matches her shot for shot. They don't talk about what happened.
She feels like she's spinning out of control and the alcohol, instead of making her feel better, is only making her feel worse. She needs to hold onto something that will keep her grounded, something to keep her from falling apart.
She tells herself this as she leans in and kisses him--he wouldn't dare kiss her; he's completely guileless and understands enough of girl code that he should not kiss his ex's best friend. He doesn't taste like hate or love, but control.
(Control to her has always tasted like curdled pumpkin pie.)
She stops kissing him the moment he starts kissing her back.
ii.
Blair Waldorf has always been second to Serena van der Woodsen. Second in command at Constance, second best for Nate Archibald, second choice for Yale. And now she has the unfortunate honor of being second once again to Serena, this time in the eyes of Dan Humphrey.
There was a brief amount of time where Blair thought maybe Dan was it for her. It wasn't a serious thought; it was more of a passing notion, really, one that lasted as long as a flicker of tongue against lips. After all, he isn't anything she's ever wanted or expected. But he snarks at her without hurting her and supports her without suffocating her. For once in her life, she actually feels beautiful, clever, and respected. She doesn't love him, but she could if she let herself.
(She would never let herself.)
Dan explains it as his one last chance with Serena and that he has to know and Blair doesn't say that she already knows how this is going to end because it's ended the same way so many times before. She brushes off the idea that he even needs to justify his choice to her--an impulsive kiss in the dark and a season of French films do not a relationship make--and wishes him luck. After all--"You'll need it."
"We're still friends?" he asks and she realizes that her answer is actually important to him.
"We never were."
She has sex with Chuck that night. She cries as she climaxes and he doesn't say anything.
iii.
Serena van der Woodsen upgrades from socialite to movie star and from Brooklyn Boy to Academy Award winner. Dan never saw it coming, which is laughable. Blair sometimes wonders how the boy functions when he's so obviously mentally handicapped. After all, he's a published author. Someone thought he had enough cogs moving in his head to share said cogs with the rest of the world.
"I should have known," he declares.
"You should have," she responds, though not unkindly.
Chuck is away on business--not that he has ever expected anything from Dan Humphrey, least of all the balls to steal his fiancée--but Blair still feels powerful greeting the poor little Lonely Boy in their Bass/Waldorf penthouse. This is what you gave up, the apartment says. This is what you got instead, his heartbreak answers.
There's no reason for him to be here of all places--Nate lives nearby, Vanessa's a subway ride away--but he looks at her eyes and her lips and the floor and his voice stumbles. "They're playing Cyrano de Bergerac. I thought you might like to go."
She's seen it already, of course. Chuck had watched the first twenty minutes before he "had to field a business call" (she judges him only slightly for coming up with such a tired excuse). Just a year ago, Dan would have known that--hell, he would have spared Chuck the trip. But she and Dan haven't talked in anything more than formalities since his whirlwind reunion with Serena. They were only good together in spite of Serena--or maybe to spite her.
In this moment, Blair is perfectly in control and painfully aware of being in second place to Serena's shiny hair and effortless spark. She can and should toss Dan Humphrey out the door, make him stew in regret for the rest of his life. He'll probably get a book out of it. Really, she'd be doing him a favor.
"Let me get my coat."
TBC.
AUTHOR: tvconnoisseur
CATEGORY: Angst, Drama
CHARACTER/PAIRING: Dan/Blair (Chuck/Blair, Dan/Serena)
SPOILERS: Up to 4x11
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: language, brief sex
SUMMARY: She doesn't love him, but she could if she let herself.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gossip Girl.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: DUDE, I DARE TO DAIR LIKE I DON'T CARE (but I do, obviously). I stopped watching the show in Season 2 and this is the first storyline that's epic enough to bring me back. A trio of vignette trios. Lyrics and title from Jimmy Eat World's "Kill".
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I'll always be
i.
Blair Waldorf relishes being in control. Not that anyone would have guessed otherwise; it is, perhaps, her most defining trait.
There is such an inevitability to Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. Blair had found a sense of control in that inevitability once upon a time--she had made a man love her and he would love her forever--but now it feels hot under the collar and her breath catches in her chest and her whole body shakes because even though Chuck has ripped her heart out, she knows one day she will go back for more.
She consoles herself with thoughts that Chuck will grow up and then they will meet again and there will be no tears and lies and heartbreak. Even if Chuck stays the same Chuck, at least she will inevitably become professionally successful with her own undeniable propensity for greatness. Of that, she is certain--even if she has to do it saddled with that bumbling idiot Dan Humphrey.
An unholy union with Dan Humphrey is not inevitable to Blair, but she deals with this twist of fate the best she can. Blair avoids noticing their similarities--drive, judgment, being in love with someone that made you feel inconsequential--and focuses purely on how he's ruining her life. He politely does the same.
Unfortunately, their like natures get the best of them and suddenly Blair finds herself kicked out of the W party with frizzed hair and a disheveled Dan Humphrey by her side. They had really fucked that one up. She would like to blame it all on Dan, but there she was too, letting pettiness get in the way of destiny. Now both of them are left without an internship or a future.
(Powerful Woman and Next Great American Author had seemed as inevitable as Chuck and Blair and Serena and Dan, but apparently they had overestimated those as well.)
She refuses to cry in front of Dan Humphrey, but she has no problem getting drunk with him. He matches her shot for shot. They don't talk about what happened.
She feels like she's spinning out of control and the alcohol, instead of making her feel better, is only making her feel worse. She needs to hold onto something that will keep her grounded, something to keep her from falling apart.
She tells herself this as she leans in and kisses him--he wouldn't dare kiss her; he's completely guileless and understands enough of girl code that he should not kiss his ex's best friend. He doesn't taste like hate or love, but control.
(Control to her has always tasted like curdled pumpkin pie.)
She stops kissing him the moment he starts kissing her back.
ii.
Blair Waldorf has always been second to Serena van der Woodsen. Second in command at Constance, second best for Nate Archibald, second choice for Yale. And now she has the unfortunate honor of being second once again to Serena, this time in the eyes of Dan Humphrey.
There was a brief amount of time where Blair thought maybe Dan was it for her. It wasn't a serious thought; it was more of a passing notion, really, one that lasted as long as a flicker of tongue against lips. After all, he isn't anything she's ever wanted or expected. But he snarks at her without hurting her and supports her without suffocating her. For once in her life, she actually feels beautiful, clever, and respected. She doesn't love him, but she could if she let herself.
(She would never let herself.)
Dan explains it as his one last chance with Serena and that he has to know and Blair doesn't say that she already knows how this is going to end because it's ended the same way so many times before. She brushes off the idea that he even needs to justify his choice to her--an impulsive kiss in the dark and a season of French films do not a relationship make--and wishes him luck. After all--"You'll need it."
"We're still friends?" he asks and she realizes that her answer is actually important to him.
"We never were."
She has sex with Chuck that night. She cries as she climaxes and he doesn't say anything.
iii.
Serena van der Woodsen upgrades from socialite to movie star and from Brooklyn Boy to Academy Award winner. Dan never saw it coming, which is laughable. Blair sometimes wonders how the boy functions when he's so obviously mentally handicapped. After all, he's a published author. Someone thought he had enough cogs moving in his head to share said cogs with the rest of the world.
"I should have known," he declares.
"You should have," she responds, though not unkindly.
Chuck is away on business--not that he has ever expected anything from Dan Humphrey, least of all the balls to steal his fiancée--but Blair still feels powerful greeting the poor little Lonely Boy in their Bass/Waldorf penthouse. This is what you gave up, the apartment says. This is what you got instead, his heartbreak answers.
There's no reason for him to be here of all places--Nate lives nearby, Vanessa's a subway ride away--but he looks at her eyes and her lips and the floor and his voice stumbles. "They're playing Cyrano de Bergerac. I thought you might like to go."
She's seen it already, of course. Chuck had watched the first twenty minutes before he "had to field a business call" (she judges him only slightly for coming up with such a tired excuse). Just a year ago, Dan would have known that--hell, he would have spared Chuck the trip. But she and Dan haven't talked in anything more than formalities since his whirlwind reunion with Serena. They were only good together in spite of Serena--or maybe to spite her.
In this moment, Blair is perfectly in control and painfully aware of being in second place to Serena's shiny hair and effortless spark. She can and should toss Dan Humphrey out the door, make him stew in regret for the rest of his life. He'll probably get a book out of it. Really, she'd be doing him a favor.
"Let me get my coat."
TBC.