Heian fic, chapter 10
Chapter 10
Hikaru was sitting on the floor, eyes closed, hands in his lap, trying his best to relax as he'd been told to do. He breathed slowly and steadily, in, out, in, out, concentrating only on that, but still his heartbeat refused to calm down.
“Are you ready?” he heard Kamo no Tadayuki's voice. He clenched his fists, feeling them all sweaty, and thought, no.
“I guess,” he muttered. “As ready as I'll be.”
“I'll start, then. Just try to stay relaxed, don't fight it. Go with the current. And don't worry, this will only last for a short moment, and he will be gone once I say so.”
He started the incantation. For a moment Hikaru's breathing quickened, but he forced it down again. The words, meaningless to him, washed over him like a wave, and a tremor went through his body. Gradually the incantation, repeated over and over again, merged into an incomprehensible mumble that he barely heard over the hum of blood in his ears. He could feel something, now, behind his back, a presence growing stronger and stronger.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in...
/Hikaru./
For a moment he lost the rhythm of his breathing, struggled to restore it. In... out. In. Out.
/Hikaru... are you certain... Is this alright?/
“Yes,” he muttered aloud, although he was far from being sure. The presence grew stronger yet, and now, slowly, it was beginning to feel familiar. Fear diminishing he let go, feeling himself slip somewhere far behind as something else took over his body.
Akira watched the scene intently behind his father and the two young onmyouji. It was weird, not to mention a little creepy, to see the subtle changes in Hikaru's face. At first, the concentration, a frown deepening and fading in turns, before slowly disappearing for good. Growing more relaxed moment by moment the boy looked as if he were about to fall asleep, but then, suddenly, his head gave a jolt and his eyes snapped open, staring straight back at Akira - Hikaru's eyes, but still there was something different.
“Fujiwara no Sai?” Kamo no Tadayuki asked quietly.
Hikaru - or at least Hikaru's head - nodded a little jerkily. “Yes,” he said, but his voice was mumbled, as if he wasn't quite in complete control of his tongue.
“Why are you here?”
Hikaru drew a shaky breath. “I... I'm not sure, myself,” he said, more clearly but quite quietly. “I didn't want to go. Not like this. Not yet. I wanted more. More go, more games with brilliant opponents, and... I... didn't want to leave...”
“More go? It is a little late for that.”
There was no answer, but Hikaru's head bent a little.
“Why did you go to Sugawara no Akitada?” Tadayuki asked after a moment's silence.
The boy shuddered. “Akitada,” he muttered. “I don't understand him. Why would he... how could he... he's such a great player, I thought he would love the game, too... but he always, always just played to win. Not to explore, not to deepen his knowledge... just for victory... but still... I don't understand. Why?”
He looked up, and Akira shuddered in his turn at the haunted look in his eyes.
“What happened during that game?”
“A white stone,” Hikaru murmured. “A white stone among his black ones. Why? I saw his eyes, I know... he had planned it, it was not by chance. To mar the game like that... someone of his skill, his station...” He was rocking gently back and forth, repeating the question. “Why?”
“Because he was afraid,” Akira suddenly heard himself saying. “He is a selfish man, one who desperately clings to all power he can get, and doesn't want to share. And he thinks others are like him, too. If he doesn't crush his rivals once he gets the chance, they'll crush him - or so he believes. You were a threat to him, and as such, quickly eliminated.”
“Yes.” There was such immense sadness on Hikaru's face. “What a fool...” he whispered. “The levels we could have reached...”
“Are you here for revenge, then?” Tadayuki asked quietly. “For justice? That would have been easier to achieve when you were still alive.”
Hikaru/Sai sat quietly, very still, and didn't seem to even hear him. Memories flashed through his mind, random bits and pieces completely out of order. Black eyes, full of hate. Stones on a go board, with no order, no sense, mocking him. Mean whispers behind his back... cold, cold sweat of despair rolling down from his temples, a lonely path, with no light, no destination, for him to walk alone... You have no place here anymore. Scurry back to the provinces. Hateful words, and more gentle ones, but still as hurtful. Go. Let the water settle.
As long as the wings of hate beat, when will the water ever settle...
He sobbed, and tears rolled freely down his cheeks.
“I think it's best to cut this here,” Tadayuki said softly, watching him cry. “I'll see if I manage to catch a word with Sugawara no Akitada at the palace tonight - or possibly, rather, go to meet him tomorrow. It isn't good to mark a day like this with such inauspicious things. You can step back now.”
“Already?” Hikaru's eyes darted to Akira, pleading. “Couldn't I... now that I'm here...”
“You are just borrowing that body, don't forget it. The less time you spend in it, the better, lest you grow too attached to it.”
“Yes, but...!”
“Go,” Tadayuki said, made a movement with his fingers, and Hikaru blinked into consciousness.
“I think he just wanted to play a game,” he muttered wiping the tears from his cheeks. “Couldn't he have... I mean, I wouldn't have minded...”
“As I said, that kind of possession is best kept as short as possible. Besides,” Tadayuki stood up, “there is no time right now. I need to make myself ready for the palace - I should be there already. Do you feel alright? Normal? Good. Please feel free to stay as our guest meanwhile. In fact, it would be best you won't go wandering around with a ghost in tow. You two,” he added to the two young onmyouji, “keep an eye on him. One can't be too careful with ghosts.”
The boys nodded, and he left. An awkward silence took over the room.
“Are you sure you're alright?” Akira finally broke it. “You look a little pale.”
“I'm fine. It just was... really weird.”
“Without a doubt,” Akira muttered. “Perhaps we should go out for a while, into fresh air.”
“I think he really would have wanted to play with you,” Hikaru said as they walked toward the garden. “He must have been watching the games we played.”
“I would have wanted to play with him, too. I don't think I have ever had a chance to play against an opponent like him.”
“I bet! He was so, so... hey, I know! Let's bring the board to the garden and I'll show you some old games he's played. Like, there was one he played against his father, and it was just incredible.”
“That's a great idea! I'll have the board...” Turning around, Akira saw his brother and Seimei, following them like shadows, and he frowned. “Why don't you two go somewhere and, I don't know, talk some onmyou things or something? You'll just get bored watching us.”
“Father said...” his brother started.
“I know. I'll keep an eye on him.”
Yasunori didn't look convinced. “You are quite blind and deaf where things like this are concerned.”
“I don't know about that,” Seimei put in. “When we first met, he did sense the ghost.”
“He did?” Yasunori asked in surprise, at the same time as Akira said, “I did? Oh, I did feel something there in the garden.”
“I'm sure they'll be fine,” Seimei stated. “We can stay somewhere close by. There are many things I'd like to ask you.”
Yasunori didn't need much persuasion - he must have been eager to speak with Seimei too. They didn't go far, though, just to a different corner of the garden from where they could still see Akira and Hikaru.
“Why didn't you want them around?” Hikaru asked as they sat down by the go board.
Akira shrugged a little uncomfortably. “Yasunori can be a bit annoying at times... getting a little haughty with all this 'secret knowledge' I don't have. It's just... well. Younger brothers, you know? Or do you have any siblings?”
“Nope,” Hikaru said. “But I've got Akari, so I guess I understand. She's my childhood friend, our neighbor,” he explained at Akira's questioning look. “We've known each other since we were kids, and she's pretty fun, most of the time, but... even without any 'secret knowledge', she can be something of a pain.” He fell silent, with a thoughtful look on his face. “Or... well. I don't know. Maybe she wasn't that bad.”
He grasped a stone, but didn't yet place it on the board. “Do you think Akitada will be at the palace tonight?” he asked, twiddling the stone in his fingers.
“Certainly. All the officials will be there tonight. Father might not be able to talk with him, though.”
“Why him, anyway?” Hikaru frowned, a little darkly. “I mean, shouldn't we go directly to the emperor or something?”
“Which emperor?” Akira muttered. “Besides, approaching the emperor isn't such a simple thing. Let's just let my father proceed as he sees best.”
Hikaru's frown deepened. “When will he be back?”
“I'm not sure... very late, or most likely tomorrow. But right now it's best just to be patient and wait. After all, what's the hurry?”
Hikaru sighed. “I guess you're right. I'd have wanted the old emperor be the one to clear Sai's reputation, but I guess it's too late for that, anyway.” He finally placed the stone on the board. “I'll show you that game.”
The day passed quietly, the peace being only occasionally disrupted by a heated discussion concerning the superiority of certain moves over others. Evening came, and Akira's father didn't return home. Hikaru watched the darkening night with somewhat resigned impatience. “Night falls, in its darkness the truth is hiding, only the ghosts know it,” he muttered.
Akira blinked. “What was that?”
“Poetry.”
Akira said nothing, and Hikaru shot him a glare. “Okay, so maybe I'm not the greatest poet. So what?”
“I didn't say anything,” Akira pointed out, pacifying.
"Your silence is pretty eloquent," Hikaru snorted.
Despite this, Akira deemed it best to remain quiet.
~
That night, in his dreams, he was Sai.
He couldn't remember walking all the way home, but he must have done that, for there he was, in his father's city mansion, kneeling in front of his go board. His hand was placing stones on the board, one after another, recreating that horrible game, even though the only thing he wanted was to forget all about it. He was alone. He must have seen some servants as he came home, but he had no memory of that either, no idea what he'd told them, if anything.
His hand stopped. Here, after that move, it had happened. He still couldn't comprehend it. He could hear the accusation ringing in his ears, and the emperor's strict command to continue the game. Slowly his hand picked another stone, and another, and another, placing them on the board as he watched his game fall apart.
How could he let that happen? Yes, certainly, the way Akitada cheated was shocking, his lies even more so. Still. How could he play a game like this?
The game reached its bitter end. He sat in silence, staring at the board without truly seeing it, as tears rolled down his cheeks, falling softly among the black and white stones.
.
Black eyes, full of hate. Stones on a go board, with no order, no sense, mocking him. Mean whispers behind his back... cold, cold sweat of despair rolling down from his temples, a lonely path, with no light, no destination, for him to walk alone...
He woke up by the go board, disoriented and still weary. The stones had not changed their shapes while he slept, cruelly telling him that no, it had not been just a bad dream. He wiped at them, a sudden, angry motion he regretted even before the stones clattered across the floor. He gathered them quickly, black and white ones neatly into their own caskets.
As he sat there, staring at the empty go board, he suddenly became aware of someone in the room with him. He looked up, and faced an old woman, someone who had been a servant of his family all his life. She was looking at him with such deep worry in her eyes that he had to look away.
“What... what time is it?”
“The Hour of Horse will soon be over, I think.” The old woman's hands twitched, as if she wanted to wriggle them. “Are you sure you wish to have nothing to eat?”
He blinked. Had she asked him this before? “No... I mean, yes, yes, I'm sure.” He truly didn't feel hungry at all. “I must...” The thought vanished in the middle of the sentence. What? He frowned at the go board. He must what? The old woman waited, staring at him much in the same way he stared at the go board.
“I must send a message,” he finally finished, uncertain whether it was what he had meant to say. “Please, bring me some paper and ink.”
The woman hurried away, relieved to have something to do. He heard her steps, thumping against the wooden floor, quick and rhythmic. Soon he had paper in front of him, a brush in his hand. He looked at the paper, his mind suddenly just as blank as its whiteness.
“Would you have preferred colored paper?” he heard the woman's voice inquire, uncertain, but he couldn't think of such things right then, of all the shades of meaning the different colors would have, and he just softly shook his head.
He should send a message to his father, maybe. Perhaps he would know what to do... Or, would it be better first to approach their relatives here in the capital, ask them for help? Maybe he should write to them, first.
...no one had sent him a message. Why? Even on a normal day, messages traveled across the city in an unending stream, messengers hurrying from house to house with poems of love and reproach, condolences and felicitations... how come no one had thought of him this day?
It was better not to think of that too much. He dipped the brush in the ink, but still his hand hesitated above the paper, not knowing what to do. He lowered the brush. Stood up.
“I won't send a message. It's best to go there myself, I think.”
.
The cart stood quietly in front of a mansion, waiting. He sat inside, hands clasped together, head a little bowed. The curtains were down, but they couldn't keep out the noises of the city. The shouts of the peasants, someone playing flute somewhere faraway, a dog barking, another cart passing his... everything sounded so perfectly normal.
“My lord?” a voice asked outside. “Where should we go next?”
He closed his eyes, saying nothing. Outside, someone shifted from foot to foot, restless, and an ox sighed.
This was the third place where he had been denied entrance. True enough, he had been told no one was home, but there was something in the way that was said that made him suspect... He raised his head, suddenly making up his mind.
“Take me to Sugawara no Akitada.”
.
Here, at least, he was allowed to enter. He could hear many voices - apparently he wasn't the only visitor here today - but he was taken to an empty room. He sat down on the floor, and waited. After a short while, Akitada appeared in the doorway.
The two of them spent a long while staring at each other. There, in Akitada's eyes, he could see the same hatred he remembered from their game, and still he did not understand it.
“Why?”
Akitada's eyebrows rose at the quiet question. “What do you mean, why? Surely that's my question. Why are you here? Why haven't you left yet?”
He blinked in surprise. “Left? Why would I leave?”
Akitada snorted, still not entering the room. “Don't you truly understand? You have no place here anymore. It's best for you to scurry back to the provinces.”
“But...” He shook his head, trying to clear it. “It's you who cheated. I know that, and so do you. So how, why...”
Akitada's eyes flashed. “Is this why you came here? To continue your senseless accusations? The emperor declared he doesn't believe either of us would do such a thing - you should try to behave properly and give up already.”
“If that's the case - if that's the case, then why does everyone behave as if I were guilty?!” He leaned forward, slammed a hand against the floor. “Why am I left alone?”
Akitada's lips twitched. “You'll have plenty of time to think about that in the provinces; I'll see to it that you won't be coming back. Now, go. I have more important guests waiting.” He turned away with a smirk and disappeared from the doorway.
“Wait!” He sprung to his feet and rushed after the man. He saw Akitada entering another room and ran there, but came to an abrupt stop as he saw the people inside.
The conversation paused when he arrived. Eyes turned to him and looked then away, awkwardly. Someone muttered, but he couldn't hear the words. Akitada, sitting down among his guests, shot him a glare.
“Please leave. I have no business with you anymore.”
His eyes were fixed on the go board around which everyone was gathered. On the board he saw again that awful game, and it was only with great difficulty he managed to look away. His gaze wandered from one face to another, all of them avoiding his eyes. Familiar faces, every single one, some belonging to those he had tried to go to see - ah, so they truly had not been home.
“Do you hear me?” Akitada's voice was sharp. “I've asked you to go twice, now. Do I need to call my servants?”
He shifted on his feet, restless and uncertain. He wanted to appeal to these people, ask if they truly believed he would do such a deed, but seeing the coldness on their faces he couldn't find the words.
“Do go,” someone muttered, still not looking up. “It's for the best.” He stared at the speaker, an old man, avid go player, but for the death of him he couldn't remember the name, just the go this man played. The man glanced at him from the corner of his eye, looking somehow shamefaced. “Someday, certainly, you can come back, but for now... let the water settle.”
.
He was walking on the streets. One step after another his feet carried him on, with no other destination than away. He'd left the cart behind, and the confused servants as well. He kept on walking down the Suzaku Avenue, all the way to Rashomon, that great, beautiful gate that was already falling into disrepair. A shudder went through his body as he passed it, but he didn't stop, didn't look behind.
He walked on, on, on, leaving behind the capital, the treacherous, beautiful capital and its go players of such wicked skill. He kept on walking a long time, until his steps took him to the bank of a river. High up, the round moon shed its light on him, on the waves of the river as he stood still by it.
Let the water settle? The moonlight rippled on the river as the waves rolled by him. Let the water settle... how long would that take? Would it ever happen? How... how could he ever return to the capital, if he left it like this? How could he ever return, as long as that man was alive...
“As long as the wings of hate beat, when will the water ever settle...” He took a step, and another, and the cool water eased the pain in his aching feet. It rose to his knees, to his waist, gentle and welcoming. His clothing, heavy in the water, dragged him down, and he did not fight against. It was just at the last moment, as he still saw the moonlight on the water's surface, when the final desperate thought flashed through his mind. I want to play more...
.
Hikaru woke up in his bed, gasping for air.
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