first time all over again
saturday was a good day.
My first performance after a long break, and for some reason i wasn't nervous at all. it was in a beautiful gallery space (with an exhibition i didn't particularly like, but i was able to place the chairs so that the audience didn't see the pictures when they were watching me) and i shared the evening with two big performance artists and one musician.
i've been working with bones, the directions of bones and measuring space, and this work was part of a series of experiments and research. the subject was the ischia and how their direction in the space changes the position of the spine, pelvis and legs, and what kind of movement it generates. i thought it might be quite boring for the audience but they liked it a lot.
i'm wondering why and how it is, that when i'm moving i almost always feel ok in my body and can see the proportions as they are, but when i'm just being i get it all wrong and the dimensions blur and i see myself as some kind of malformed blob.
and that when i'm with an audience or with students i can see the value and uniqueness of my work, but when i'm on my own i begin to question everything, beginning with my right to exist, but especially my right to create and show work. teaching and directing is almost too dangerous: how can i force my will on innocent people and tell them what to do? how can i, as the person i am, take the position of power and let others be influenced by a body-mind that clearly is not coherent and sane? i gave up most of my teaching work a year ago, mainly because of this. my students miss me and it feels nice to hear that, but i really can't see myself going back.
The change from a capable strong person into a antisocial depressed suicide candidate and back is what i don't understand. how and why does it happen? it is so visible, like a switch that just switches itself on and off without me being able to control it. and yet it seems so obvious and .. well .. silly. And all the positive feedback i've got just turns into nothing in that moment, and i'm like a black hole of negativity that nothing can fill.
And none of the things i've achieved before seem to matter when i go and show new work, i have the feeling i've got to prove myself and legitimize my existence in a hostile environment, exposing myself for the first time, every time. Even when the environments are not hostile. Even when people are really there to see me because they liked what i did previously and invited their friends along.
Will there be a second time? It feels like i'm stuck in the first time, not knowing how to keep what i have and to build on that? How does human self confidence get built?
My first performance after a long break, and for some reason i wasn't nervous at all. it was in a beautiful gallery space (with an exhibition i didn't particularly like, but i was able to place the chairs so that the audience didn't see the pictures when they were watching me) and i shared the evening with two big performance artists and one musician.
i've been working with bones, the directions of bones and measuring space, and this work was part of a series of experiments and research. the subject was the ischia and how their direction in the space changes the position of the spine, pelvis and legs, and what kind of movement it generates. i thought it might be quite boring for the audience but they liked it a lot.
i'm wondering why and how it is, that when i'm moving i almost always feel ok in my body and can see the proportions as they are, but when i'm just being i get it all wrong and the dimensions blur and i see myself as some kind of malformed blob.
and that when i'm with an audience or with students i can see the value and uniqueness of my work, but when i'm on my own i begin to question everything, beginning with my right to exist, but especially my right to create and show work. teaching and directing is almost too dangerous: how can i force my will on innocent people and tell them what to do? how can i, as the person i am, take the position of power and let others be influenced by a body-mind that clearly is not coherent and sane? i gave up most of my teaching work a year ago, mainly because of this. my students miss me and it feels nice to hear that, but i really can't see myself going back.
The change from a capable strong person into a antisocial depressed suicide candidate and back is what i don't understand. how and why does it happen? it is so visible, like a switch that just switches itself on and off without me being able to control it. and yet it seems so obvious and .. well .. silly. And all the positive feedback i've got just turns into nothing in that moment, and i'm like a black hole of negativity that nothing can fill.
And none of the things i've achieved before seem to matter when i go and show new work, i have the feeling i've got to prove myself and legitimize my existence in a hostile environment, exposing myself for the first time, every time. Even when the environments are not hostile. Even when people are really there to see me because they liked what i did previously and invited their friends along.
Will there be a second time? It feels like i'm stuck in the first time, not knowing how to keep what i have and to build on that? How does human self confidence get built?