Breakfast!!
Breakfast at 8.. what a liar i am - of course i wouldn't feel better and i know it. i'm so good at shifting my attention to something else, to look at numbers, or the figures on the carpet or the ceiling or the wallpaper, and just cease to see/remember/know about the real problem. i'm such a good liar.
luckily i haven't lied to my therapist yet.
and i have warned her about it.
the strangest thing happened the other day at therapy, i went there feeling depressed and so much in pain and panic i could not look her in the eyes and could not speak. She asked me do i realise how much my moods differ, sometimes i am all right and cheerful, and sometimes i am so broken.. i said yes, she sees both sides because i don't need to be ok to go to therapy, like i do for work. And that when i am so broken i cannot talk, the therapy is not really very useful is it.. and then i stared at the figures on the carpet for a while and just MADE MYSELF WELL AGAIN. The tears stopped running and the puffiness disappeared from my face, i sat up straight, i could look her in the eyes and analyse my feelings in a clear voice. I just sucked it all inside me like it had never been, and I felt ALL RIGHT.
My therapist asked me is this what i always do. I said yes i guess it is. I had just never before seen it happen. I had never realised i do such a thing. It is so automatic for me, i just make it disappear and it doesn't exist.
luckily i haven't lied to my therapist yet.
and i have warned her about it.
the strangest thing happened the other day at therapy, i went there feeling depressed and so much in pain and panic i could not look her in the eyes and could not speak. She asked me do i realise how much my moods differ, sometimes i am all right and cheerful, and sometimes i am so broken.. i said yes, she sees both sides because i don't need to be ok to go to therapy, like i do for work. And that when i am so broken i cannot talk, the therapy is not really very useful is it.. and then i stared at the figures on the carpet for a while and just MADE MYSELF WELL AGAIN. The tears stopped running and the puffiness disappeared from my face, i sat up straight, i could look her in the eyes and analyse my feelings in a clear voice. I just sucked it all inside me like it had never been, and I felt ALL RIGHT.
My therapist asked me is this what i always do. I said yes i guess it is. I had just never before seen it happen. I had never realised i do such a thing. It is so automatic for me, i just make it disappear and it doesn't exist.