Fanfic update - Medium ch 20
Title: Medium (Part 20/??)
Author: kaitou_marron
Warnings/Rating: PG-13, worksafe … for now =D
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Summary: AU. Tuti is still acting, while Nagayan’s life decisions have turned him on the road of art rather than entertainment…
Notes: Previous chapters can be found [in my memories]
I have been forever spoiled by having analineblue as my beta. Much thanks for all of the input.
This fanfic is now 1 year old. I never imagined it would get this long and in depth. I appreciate all of the support I’ve gotten, and as always comments are welcome. =) (KY, see, it’s up; it’s up. Sorry for making you wait, but it’s more refreshing to read it all at once than just getting a little preview, ne?)
Chapter 20: Stepping Forward
Tuti ran around his one bedroom apartment almost frantically while awaiting Kimeru’s arrival.
‘I can’t believe he’s coming here. Why is he so insistent on coming over? Does he know that he’s more intimidating in person? What should I tell him with regards to Nagayama-kun? How does Kimeru even know where I live?’ Questions and thoughts of varying importance spluttered through his mind, leaving him in a state of panic.
Finally, he found solace on his couch, one leg bouncing up and down nervously as he forced his mind to tackle the most pressing of issues - what he was going to tell the singer about his feelings for Nagayan.
‘To never be able to have any resolve … to leave things in this state between Nagaya-’ He forcibly stopped himself mid-sentence. ‘Not Nagayama-kun. It’s Takashi.’ Oh, how it felt so much more right to use Takashi rather than Nagayama, which now just seemed so impersonal.
He started over and pieced his previous thought together. ‘To never be able to have any resolve, to leave things in this state between Takashi and I would be such a pity.’ A tendril of sorrow twisted his heart. He knew he had to make sure it was more than just the fear of guilt or regret that was guiding his decision; Nagayan deserved more respect than merely giving him resolution and peace of mind. He had to make sure that his decision was one he was prepared to stick with, unlike many of his previously abandoned and often short-lived whims and fancies.
‘Not to mention that Kimeru would kill me if I were anything but sincere,’ he added mournfully. He had caught the acerbic bite in Kimeru’s voice, and he was wholeheartedly sure that the singer would do anything to honor his promise to “protect” Nagayan.
Tuti was scared. The very notion hit him with startling simplicity. He was frightened of Nagayan’s overbearing best friend. However, some of Kimeru’s words struck his curiosity and settled there waiting to be mulled over.
‘Takashi is single…’ He paused and let the fact wash over his body and penetrate his core. He felt relieved; he couldn’t deny that.
Again he found his mind wandering to Kimeru’s words earlier that night. ‘Why would Takashi need protecting? And if Shou wasn’t a big deal, why did Kimeru mention having to pick up pieces of Takashi’s broken life?’
Now he was more curious about Nagayan than ever, but somehow this time his curiosity felt different than it had before the kiss happened. It was deeper, stronger, and more consuming. If he could take away Nagayan’s pain with soft touches and even softer kisses, he had to do it. It wasn’t a matter of wanting to or feeling obliged to. He was compelled to do so, and suddenly the answer was startlingly clear. The time for indecision and cowardice was over. As his cell phone rang from its position on the coffee table, he knew that there was someone else he needed to convince.
Taking a deep breath and putting forth all of the assertiveness he could muster, he opened his phone.
“Hey, Kimeru. Let me buzz you up.”
Moments later, Kimeru was at Tuti’s door, bustling past the actor once the door was open, as if being there was his right.
“Tuti!” Kimeru exclaimed with a toothy smile, turning to face the actor who was headed back towards his couch.
“Kimeru,” Tuti greeted, shivering in spite of himself. The sharp glint in the singer’s eye was unmistakable.
“I’m your guest, and it’s late. Shouldn’t you offer me coffee or something hospitable?”
Tuti opened his mouth to protest but was discouraged to do so when Kimeru crossed his arms over his chest and gave him a narrow-eyed smirk.
With a harassed sigh, he said, “Fine. Coffee it is.”
“Actually on second thought, it’s really kind of late. I have things to do tomorrow, so it’s imperative that I’m able to get sleep when I get home. Maybe tea? It has less caffeine.”
“Fine,” Tuti ground out. “I think I have tea bags somewhere.”
“Bags? Tea bags?” Kimeru huffed. “I don’t think so. Never mind then.”
Tuti let out a little grunt. “Can I sit down now, or do you think you might want to ask me for something else?”
“No, no,” Kimeru said whimsically. “Sit, sit. We have more important things to discuss. I was just giving you a hard time, and hope you take it in jest.”
Tuti felt his left eye twitch but let Kimeru lead him to the couch. He needed Kimeru if he was going to make contact with Nagayan again. As he watched Kimeru’s smile spread, he knew that it was something he would need to remind himself throughout the night.
“We’re both busy men,” Kimeru started once Tuti had settled in next to him. “So, I’ll get to the point. How do you feel about Takashi?”
Tuti took a deep breath, folding his hands neatly in his lap. “I think he’s amazing,” he said truthfully.
“Amazing in that ‘he’s such a cool person’ way? Or amazing in the ‘I want to jump him’ way?”
Tuti’s mouth dropped open in shock. He had never heard Kimeru this blunt with him before.
“Is there something in the middle?” he asked weakly.
“Look, Tuti, I’m not trying to startle or unsettle you, contrary to your belief.” Kimeru paused before adding, “Well, I’m not trying to unsettle you this time.” After giving a brief smirk, he continued with his speech. “Honestly, you seem like a very straight-forward guy, so I’m being straight with you. I just want to get a feel for your intentions towards Takashi.”
“If that’s the way you want it, than I’ll answer you. I’m too tired to figure out whether or not you’re playing mind games or not. The truth is that I’ve never had romantic feelings for a guy before. That whole experience is sort of strange in itself. It means that I have a lot to learn about myself, but it doesn’t mean I have any ill intentions towards Takashi…”
Tuti paused for a breath. He found himself gauging Kimeru’s reaction and saw that the singer had an eyebrow thoughtfully raised, as if to say, ‘You call him Takashi now, do you?’
Tuti ignored his nerves, shoving them back down so that he could finish his plea to Nagayan’s best friend. “I did enjoy the kiss, and I was jealous when I thought that he already had a boyfriend. That much I know. I find him more fascinating than I’ve ever found anybody in my life. He’s not just a curiosity; I’m truly interested. I can’t predict how things will go if I try to start a relationship with him. Honestly, long relationships have never been my strong suit. But I can promise that I’m going into it with the best of intentions.”
Kimeru sat next to Tuti, leaning back against the armrest, stroking his chin with a thumb and forefinger. His eyebrows were drawn inward, and his lips were pursed thoughtfully. “You really did think about this before I came over,” he said, his tone slightly haughty.
Tuti’s mouth dropped open, indignant retorts just at the tip of his tongue, but all he managed to splutter out was his incredulousness. “I pour my heart out to you, and this is what I get?! You merely comment on the fact that I listened to what you said?”
One side of Kimeru’s mouth quirked up, and the fierce, searching look in his eyes lightened.
Relief rushed through Tuti, and he finally felt brave enough to ask, “So… are you or aren’t you going to tell me how to get in touch with Takashi?”
-------
It required some effort on Tuti’s part, but by the end of their conversation, Kimeru finally revealed to Tuti that the only way that he would be able to find Nagayan, if Nagayan was truly brooding, would be if he showed up at Kaori’s elementary school, at the end of the day when school let out.
“He loves Kaori like a little sister, a little sister that he helped raise,” Kimeru had told him. “He’ll be there to pick her up after school. You can count on that.”
He’d had to wait until his play finished showing, but now that the last weekend of the run had passed, Tuti found himself pacing nervously and staring across the street at Kaori’s elementary school, waiting to see Nagayan on the other side of the open gates.
‘It’s better this way,’ he told himself. ‘If Kaori’s with him, then he’ll be forced to be polite.’ He nodded with delight at his conclusion.
With a deep sigh, he tried to seem inconspicuous. This was his goal; he had to make their meeting appear to be coincidental. Coaching his breathing so that it was slow and steady, he watched the entryway.
‘How long will I have to wait?’ he asked as he walked one way and then the other, hoping every time someone new emerged that it would yield the silky cap of hair he was so used to seeing - one that he hadn’t seen enough of lately. As he waited through each tortuous second, he felt his nerves begin to eat at him. A drop of sweat gathered at his brow and trickled down the side of his face as he stood watching and waiting.
He looked around, eyes sweeping cautiously to the left and to the right. ‘People can’t tell that I’m following someone, can they? What would they think if they knew?’ He rubbed a hand against his tired eyes and told himself that what other people perceived wasn’t important.
‘You are following him,’ he nagged at himself, playing devil’s advocate. But even though he began to feel uncomfortable with the situation he put himself in, he found himself walking across the street knowing very well that Nagayan had to walk out soon.
‘I am not a creepy stalker,’ Tuti told himself as he stood away from the gate, pretending as if he had come from the other way on the street. Eyes flickered and focused on Nagayan’s familiar back. He suddenly became aware of the pattering of his heart, the sound ringing hollow in his ears, and the twist of nerves at the base of his stomach. For a moment, he could only stare at Nagayan, who was laughing easily with the little girl he accompanied.
Momentarily, he allowed himself to pause, to observe. No matter how apprehensive he felt about the situation, he couldn’t risk not seeing that smile again or not hearing that laugh again. If there was something he could do to try to pull Nagayan closer to him, he had to do it. He just simply had to.
‘Tuti,’ he coached himself. ‘Now is not the time to chicken out. If I screw up, Kimeru will bitch me out more than ten times over.’
Speeding up his stride to make up for the distance he lost in his momentary state of awe, he made one desperate cry, “Nagayama-kun!’
-------
Nagayan heard his name being called, and his shoulders tensed as he placed the voice. ‘Tuti …’
With that, he put his hand against Kaori’s back and hurried his pace.
“Taka-niichan, I think someone’s calling you,” she protested, twisting her head back to look, sending pigtails whirling.
“It’s not important,” Nagayan told her quietly. “Let’s go.”
“Ahh!” she exclaimed. “Poofy-haired-oniisan!”
“What?” Nagayan whispered, picking up on the familiarity in her voice. He froze in his place as he turned around with Kaori.
Tuti used Nagayan’s pause as a chance to close the gap between them.
“You said ‘ahh’, Nagayan recounted to Kaori. “Have you seen poofy-haired-oniisan before?”
“Poofy-haired-oniisan!?” Tuti said in an exaggeratedly exasperated voice.
Nagayan watched as he patted tufts of his disarrayed hair in a failing attempt to smooth them down.
“At least do me the common decency of telling her my name,” Tuti suggested with an aggrieved sniff.
“She shouldn’t know your name; I’ve never brought her to meet you.”
“So,” Nagayan continued, bringing his attention back to Kaori. “Have you seen poofy-”
“It’s Tuti, geez,” he interrupted. “Nice to meet you.”
Nagayan watched the actor wink and hold out his hand to Kaori, who turned cautious eyes on him before accepting the gesture.
Nagayan let out a frustrated sound. He didn’t want to be seeing Tuti; the lack of contact had made it easier to forget his embarrassment, to let his feelings fade. And now with just a casual wink, he was forced to remember the actor’s easy charisma and charm.
‘Why?’ He closed his eyes momentarily, and when he forced them open, he saw Tuti’s eyes focused on him. He was smiling, and the warmth of his gaze settled in Nagayan’s gut.
With a dry, strangled choke, Nagayan continued with his question. “Have you met Tuti before today?”
He looked down and noticed how her body language changed. Fingers inched closer to the bottom of her braids, as she stood wordlessly.
“I won’t be mad at you,” he told her gently.
She looked from him to Tuti, then back to him again. “Then I’d rather not say anything, because he might be.”
Tuti barked a laugh. “She really is smart, isn’t she?” he asked. “A self-preservationalist.”
“I’m a what?” she asked, tilting her head.
Nagayan, however, had the answer he needed. “When did you meet her? When did you come over? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Now it was Tuti’s turn to look uncomfortable. The actor stood there, eyes downcast and teeth creasing his bottom lip.
“Taka-niichan,” Kaori broke in. “It was the night that you were working on your wall.”
Nagayan thought things couldn’t have gotten worse, but once again, he found out how wrong he was. “Y-you saw me working on the wall?” he whispered.
It had taken Nagayan a while to understand the true symbolic depth of the newest addition to his wall. If Tuti had any bit of wit about him, as Nagayan knew he did, he would have been able to figure out the hidden meaning to the image. Nagayan knew that he had made it pretty obvious, and now he was regretting it. A gradient was used for the painted body with a stark black staining the toes and a brilliant yellow coloring the fingers that reached for the sun. It symbolized a rebirth with the sun slowly dragging him out of the depths of who he had been in the past year. It was painfully private, and the significance of it was something that only he and Tuti would probably be able to piece together. Why had he added the floral pattern to the sun? He had even placed black handprints against the sun. It looked like the very picture of someone who had just reached out and happened to find himself in the presence something bright, cheerful, charismatic - all things that Tuti embodied.
“What did you see?” he asked, hoping against hope that Tuti had only caught the beginning part.
When Tuti’s eyes met his, they held an unnatural light in them. The wrinkle in Tuti’s brow and the ducking of his head were all signs of an unspoken apology. He shifted his weight and met Nagayan’s gaze briefly with a noncommittal shrug.
“My room is private,” Nagayan said tightly. Pausing, he gave Tuti a pointed stare, the look as cold and poisonous as the tone in his voice. “I’m asking you how much you saw.”
“Enough,” Tuti replied, his voice quiet and completely serious.
Tuti’s response confirmed all of the fears that Nagayan was trying to suppress, and the realization set in. “Oh, God,” he uttered, eyes widening with a raw look of desperation. He could tell that they were getting glassy; he had to get out of there. “Kaori, we’re going home, now.”
“Please, don’t run,” Tuti begged. “We need to talk about things.”
Nagayan turned his back on Tuti wordlessly and began walking.
Letting out a frustrated growl, Tuti warned, “I’ll follow you home.” Putting his long stride to use, he easily caught up with Kaori and Nagayan. “I will follow you until you talk to me.”
“Why!? Why are you doing this to me?”
“I … want things to be good between us again.”
Shaking his head, Nagayan continued his torturous walk. “I don’t think they can ever be that way again. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry about what?”
“That I ruined it.”
“What?!” cried Tuti, shaking his head. “That’s not it at all.”
“It’d be better for you to go back to your life,” he dismissed. Quickening his pace, he pulled Kaori along, forcing her into a light jog to keep up.
“Will you just talk to me?”
“Go, and forget everything you’ve seen,” he said not bothering to look at the actor.
“Goddamnit!” Tuti cursed.
“Watch your language around Kaori,” Nagayan warned.
“Then talk to me!” he cried, his eyes flashing angrily.
Nagayan noticed the signs of anger from Tuti - the reddening of his face, the flaring of his nostrils, and the clenching of his hands - but just felt too worn to respond to it. Instead, Nagayan felt himself shut down emotionally. His eyes darkened, but his face flamed with humiliation. Lips pursed, he stayed tight-lipped as he walked. And true to his word, Tuti followed them the whole way back to their home.
Nagayan pulled out the house key and unlocked the door. “Kaori,” he said. “Go upstairs to your room and close the door.”
After looking at the emotions that were present on both Tuti and Nagayan’s faces, she obeyed without another word.
Nagayan shut the front door again. “You wanted to talk. What is it you have to say? You’re sorry for spying? That you find who I am repulsive? What is so important that you have to say it?” The string of questions started out quietly but built with emotion, rising in volume. Although he was trying to focus on anger and outrage, Nagayan felt moisture gathering in his eyes. He forcefully swallowed the uncomfortable lump that was developing in his throat.
“Takashi, are you okay?”
With the use of his familiar name, Nagayan snapped. “There you go, saying my name as if you know me!”
“I do know you.”
“You really don’t,” Nagayan informed him with a shake of his head.
“Then let me know you.”
He shook his head. “No.”
“No?” Tuti asked incredulously.
“I really have nothing more to say to you.” Nagayan opened the door and stepped into the house. As he turned to shut the door, he found it catching a resistance on Tuti’s hand.
“Owowow-!” Tuti exclaimed grimacing.
“Get your hand out of there before I crush it,” Nagayan said, putting more pressure on the door.
“No!” Tuti retorted stubbornly. “Break it if you want.”
Nagayan hesitated, and Tuti took that pause to use his other hand to pry the door wider, pushing in past Nagayan.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Nagayan asked as Tuti shut and locked the door behind him.
“You wouldn’t answer my calls.”
“I was embarrassed, what did you expect me to say? Sorry for throwing up on you. Sorry for…” his sentence trailed off, as his cheeks flushed.
“I thought you’d use it as an excuse to tell me that I needed to buy new clothing,” Tuti said gently.
Nagayan lips curved into a little smile at the reminder of the familiar running joke between the two of them. But it soon disappeared, as the gravity of the situation hit him again.
“Takashi?” Tuti asked.
“There you go again, saying my name as if you know me.” This time, however, there was no heated anger in his voice. It sounded forlorn, defeated.
“I do, and I want to continue to keep on getting to know you.”
“I don’t think I can do that, not after... what happened at the bar.”
“Look past it. There was so much good between us, and there’s still so much more that’s waiting to develop.” Tuti stumbled with his words, seemingly puzzled at how he wanted to say things.
Nagayan used the pause to state his case. “I - you were never supposed to know. I never wanted to show you my ugly side.”
“There isn’t a part of you that’s ugly,” Tuti insisted.
“I’m not sure that I can ever face you in the same way, knowing that you know… and that I…” He didn’t have the strength to vocalize the words that filled in those blanks, but he thought them. ‘Knowing that you know that I have feelings for you.’
Something sparked in Tuti’s eyes, as he stopped thinking and started acting on instinct. “What can I do to make you feel comfortable again? What can I do to convince you of what I want to say but can’t find the right way to?”
To Nagayan the last statement sounded more like a question that Tuti was asking himself rather than something that the actor was trying to express to him.
Nagayan was taken aback as Tuti suddenly stepped closer, pulling the two of them close together. Without a hesitating, Tuti pressed his lips against Nagayan’s and wrapped his arms around Nagayan’s body, as if trying to convey his feelings through that one sweet embrace.
The feel of Tuti’s lips gently pressed against his sent a warm rush through Nagayan that momentarily stole his motor skills, leaving him stupefied. However, denial and pessimism soon rushed through his body, and he turned his head abruptly away from Tuti. Using both arms as a wedge, he shoved against Tuti’s chest, sending the other man stumbling back.
“What is this?” Nagayan spat. “Your idea of a sick joke?”
“No,” Tuti insisted.
“I don’t like my emotions to be toyed with.”
“Takashi,” Tuti said. “I’m being completely serious, but I’m not sure what it’ll take for you to believe me.”
Nagayan hesitated, afraid to trust Tuti’s words. Words had lied and betrayed him before, so instead he took the chance to study Tuti’s face. Honesty, sincerity, and a need that Nagayan had recognized in his own eyes so many times before radiated from Tuti’s contrite face. Hope blossomed inside of him.
“Then …” he started weakly. “This could be for real? You and me?” Tongue wetting his lower lip in nervously, Nagayan looked up in order to glean confirmation from Tuti.
“I think it already is,” Tuti said, pulling Nagayan into his arms once more. His embrace was warm and supporting. “And you can’t convince me otherwise.”
For the first time in a long time, Nagayan let down his defenses, relaxed in Tuti’s arms, and just let himself believe.
TBC
Alrighty, I guess I can say part 1 (aka the get together) of the fic is done. Next up is the calm before the inevitable storm… Wish me luck as I piece together the next part of this fic!
Author: kaitou_marron
Warnings/Rating: PG-13, worksafe … for now =D
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Summary: AU. Tuti is still acting, while Nagayan’s life decisions have turned him on the road of art rather than entertainment…
Notes: Previous chapters can be found [in my memories]
I have been forever spoiled by having analineblue as my beta. Much thanks for all of the input.
This fanfic is now 1 year old. I never imagined it would get this long and in depth. I appreciate all of the support I’ve gotten, and as always comments are welcome. =) (KY, see, it’s up; it’s up. Sorry for making you wait, but it’s more refreshing to read it all at once than just getting a little preview, ne?)
Chapter 20: Stepping Forward
Tuti ran around his one bedroom apartment almost frantically while awaiting Kimeru’s arrival.
‘I can’t believe he’s coming here. Why is he so insistent on coming over? Does he know that he’s more intimidating in person? What should I tell him with regards to Nagayama-kun? How does Kimeru even know where I live?’ Questions and thoughts of varying importance spluttered through his mind, leaving him in a state of panic.
Finally, he found solace on his couch, one leg bouncing up and down nervously as he forced his mind to tackle the most pressing of issues - what he was going to tell the singer about his feelings for Nagayan.
‘To never be able to have any resolve … to leave things in this state between Nagaya-’ He forcibly stopped himself mid-sentence. ‘Not Nagayama-kun. It’s Takashi.’ Oh, how it felt so much more right to use Takashi rather than Nagayama, which now just seemed so impersonal.
He started over and pieced his previous thought together. ‘To never be able to have any resolve, to leave things in this state between Takashi and I would be such a pity.’ A tendril of sorrow twisted his heart. He knew he had to make sure it was more than just the fear of guilt or regret that was guiding his decision; Nagayan deserved more respect than merely giving him resolution and peace of mind. He had to make sure that his decision was one he was prepared to stick with, unlike many of his previously abandoned and often short-lived whims and fancies.
‘Not to mention that Kimeru would kill me if I were anything but sincere,’ he added mournfully. He had caught the acerbic bite in Kimeru’s voice, and he was wholeheartedly sure that the singer would do anything to honor his promise to “protect” Nagayan.
Tuti was scared. The very notion hit him with startling simplicity. He was frightened of Nagayan’s overbearing best friend. However, some of Kimeru’s words struck his curiosity and settled there waiting to be mulled over.
‘Takashi is single…’ He paused and let the fact wash over his body and penetrate his core. He felt relieved; he couldn’t deny that.
Again he found his mind wandering to Kimeru’s words earlier that night. ‘Why would Takashi need protecting? And if Shou wasn’t a big deal, why did Kimeru mention having to pick up pieces of Takashi’s broken life?’
Now he was more curious about Nagayan than ever, but somehow this time his curiosity felt different than it had before the kiss happened. It was deeper, stronger, and more consuming. If he could take away Nagayan’s pain with soft touches and even softer kisses, he had to do it. It wasn’t a matter of wanting to or feeling obliged to. He was compelled to do so, and suddenly the answer was startlingly clear. The time for indecision and cowardice was over. As his cell phone rang from its position on the coffee table, he knew that there was someone else he needed to convince.
Taking a deep breath and putting forth all of the assertiveness he could muster, he opened his phone.
“Hey, Kimeru. Let me buzz you up.”
Moments later, Kimeru was at Tuti’s door, bustling past the actor once the door was open, as if being there was his right.
“Tuti!” Kimeru exclaimed with a toothy smile, turning to face the actor who was headed back towards his couch.
“Kimeru,” Tuti greeted, shivering in spite of himself. The sharp glint in the singer’s eye was unmistakable.
“I’m your guest, and it’s late. Shouldn’t you offer me coffee or something hospitable?”
Tuti opened his mouth to protest but was discouraged to do so when Kimeru crossed his arms over his chest and gave him a narrow-eyed smirk.
With a harassed sigh, he said, “Fine. Coffee it is.”
“Actually on second thought, it’s really kind of late. I have things to do tomorrow, so it’s imperative that I’m able to get sleep when I get home. Maybe tea? It has less caffeine.”
“Fine,” Tuti ground out. “I think I have tea bags somewhere.”
“Bags? Tea bags?” Kimeru huffed. “I don’t think so. Never mind then.”
Tuti let out a little grunt. “Can I sit down now, or do you think you might want to ask me for something else?”
“No, no,” Kimeru said whimsically. “Sit, sit. We have more important things to discuss. I was just giving you a hard time, and hope you take it in jest.”
Tuti felt his left eye twitch but let Kimeru lead him to the couch. He needed Kimeru if he was going to make contact with Nagayan again. As he watched Kimeru’s smile spread, he knew that it was something he would need to remind himself throughout the night.
“We’re both busy men,” Kimeru started once Tuti had settled in next to him. “So, I’ll get to the point. How do you feel about Takashi?”
Tuti took a deep breath, folding his hands neatly in his lap. “I think he’s amazing,” he said truthfully.
“Amazing in that ‘he’s such a cool person’ way? Or amazing in the ‘I want to jump him’ way?”
Tuti’s mouth dropped open in shock. He had never heard Kimeru this blunt with him before.
“Is there something in the middle?” he asked weakly.
“Look, Tuti, I’m not trying to startle or unsettle you, contrary to your belief.” Kimeru paused before adding, “Well, I’m not trying to unsettle you this time.” After giving a brief smirk, he continued with his speech. “Honestly, you seem like a very straight-forward guy, so I’m being straight with you. I just want to get a feel for your intentions towards Takashi.”
“If that’s the way you want it, than I’ll answer you. I’m too tired to figure out whether or not you’re playing mind games or not. The truth is that I’ve never had romantic feelings for a guy before. That whole experience is sort of strange in itself. It means that I have a lot to learn about myself, but it doesn’t mean I have any ill intentions towards Takashi…”
Tuti paused for a breath. He found himself gauging Kimeru’s reaction and saw that the singer had an eyebrow thoughtfully raised, as if to say, ‘You call him Takashi now, do you?’
Tuti ignored his nerves, shoving them back down so that he could finish his plea to Nagayan’s best friend. “I did enjoy the kiss, and I was jealous when I thought that he already had a boyfriend. That much I know. I find him more fascinating than I’ve ever found anybody in my life. He’s not just a curiosity; I’m truly interested. I can’t predict how things will go if I try to start a relationship with him. Honestly, long relationships have never been my strong suit. But I can promise that I’m going into it with the best of intentions.”
Kimeru sat next to Tuti, leaning back against the armrest, stroking his chin with a thumb and forefinger. His eyebrows were drawn inward, and his lips were pursed thoughtfully. “You really did think about this before I came over,” he said, his tone slightly haughty.
Tuti’s mouth dropped open, indignant retorts just at the tip of his tongue, but all he managed to splutter out was his incredulousness. “I pour my heart out to you, and this is what I get?! You merely comment on the fact that I listened to what you said?”
One side of Kimeru’s mouth quirked up, and the fierce, searching look in his eyes lightened.
Relief rushed through Tuti, and he finally felt brave enough to ask, “So… are you or aren’t you going to tell me how to get in touch with Takashi?”
-------
It required some effort on Tuti’s part, but by the end of their conversation, Kimeru finally revealed to Tuti that the only way that he would be able to find Nagayan, if Nagayan was truly brooding, would be if he showed up at Kaori’s elementary school, at the end of the day when school let out.
“He loves Kaori like a little sister, a little sister that he helped raise,” Kimeru had told him. “He’ll be there to pick her up after school. You can count on that.”
He’d had to wait until his play finished showing, but now that the last weekend of the run had passed, Tuti found himself pacing nervously and staring across the street at Kaori’s elementary school, waiting to see Nagayan on the other side of the open gates.
‘It’s better this way,’ he told himself. ‘If Kaori’s with him, then he’ll be forced to be polite.’ He nodded with delight at his conclusion.
With a deep sigh, he tried to seem inconspicuous. This was his goal; he had to make their meeting appear to be coincidental. Coaching his breathing so that it was slow and steady, he watched the entryway.
‘How long will I have to wait?’ he asked as he walked one way and then the other, hoping every time someone new emerged that it would yield the silky cap of hair he was so used to seeing - one that he hadn’t seen enough of lately. As he waited through each tortuous second, he felt his nerves begin to eat at him. A drop of sweat gathered at his brow and trickled down the side of his face as he stood watching and waiting.
He looked around, eyes sweeping cautiously to the left and to the right. ‘People can’t tell that I’m following someone, can they? What would they think if they knew?’ He rubbed a hand against his tired eyes and told himself that what other people perceived wasn’t important.
‘You are following him,’ he nagged at himself, playing devil’s advocate. But even though he began to feel uncomfortable with the situation he put himself in, he found himself walking across the street knowing very well that Nagayan had to walk out soon.
‘I am not a creepy stalker,’ Tuti told himself as he stood away from the gate, pretending as if he had come from the other way on the street. Eyes flickered and focused on Nagayan’s familiar back. He suddenly became aware of the pattering of his heart, the sound ringing hollow in his ears, and the twist of nerves at the base of his stomach. For a moment, he could only stare at Nagayan, who was laughing easily with the little girl he accompanied.
Momentarily, he allowed himself to pause, to observe. No matter how apprehensive he felt about the situation, he couldn’t risk not seeing that smile again or not hearing that laugh again. If there was something he could do to try to pull Nagayan closer to him, he had to do it. He just simply had to.
‘Tuti,’ he coached himself. ‘Now is not the time to chicken out. If I screw up, Kimeru will bitch me out more than ten times over.’
Speeding up his stride to make up for the distance he lost in his momentary state of awe, he made one desperate cry, “Nagayama-kun!’
-------
Nagayan heard his name being called, and his shoulders tensed as he placed the voice. ‘Tuti …’
With that, he put his hand against Kaori’s back and hurried his pace.
“Taka-niichan, I think someone’s calling you,” she protested, twisting her head back to look, sending pigtails whirling.
“It’s not important,” Nagayan told her quietly. “Let’s go.”
“Ahh!” she exclaimed. “Poofy-haired-oniisan!”
“What?” Nagayan whispered, picking up on the familiarity in her voice. He froze in his place as he turned around with Kaori.
Tuti used Nagayan’s pause as a chance to close the gap between them.
“You said ‘ahh’, Nagayan recounted to Kaori. “Have you seen poofy-haired-oniisan before?”
“Poofy-haired-oniisan!?” Tuti said in an exaggeratedly exasperated voice.
Nagayan watched as he patted tufts of his disarrayed hair in a failing attempt to smooth them down.
“At least do me the common decency of telling her my name,” Tuti suggested with an aggrieved sniff.
“She shouldn’t know your name; I’ve never brought her to meet you.”
“So,” Nagayan continued, bringing his attention back to Kaori. “Have you seen poofy-”
“It’s Tuti, geez,” he interrupted. “Nice to meet you.”
Nagayan watched the actor wink and hold out his hand to Kaori, who turned cautious eyes on him before accepting the gesture.
Nagayan let out a frustrated sound. He didn’t want to be seeing Tuti; the lack of contact had made it easier to forget his embarrassment, to let his feelings fade. And now with just a casual wink, he was forced to remember the actor’s easy charisma and charm.
‘Why?’ He closed his eyes momentarily, and when he forced them open, he saw Tuti’s eyes focused on him. He was smiling, and the warmth of his gaze settled in Nagayan’s gut.
With a dry, strangled choke, Nagayan continued with his question. “Have you met Tuti before today?”
He looked down and noticed how her body language changed. Fingers inched closer to the bottom of her braids, as she stood wordlessly.
“I won’t be mad at you,” he told her gently.
She looked from him to Tuti, then back to him again. “Then I’d rather not say anything, because he might be.”
Tuti barked a laugh. “She really is smart, isn’t she?” he asked. “A self-preservationalist.”
“I’m a what?” she asked, tilting her head.
Nagayan, however, had the answer he needed. “When did you meet her? When did you come over? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Now it was Tuti’s turn to look uncomfortable. The actor stood there, eyes downcast and teeth creasing his bottom lip.
“Taka-niichan,” Kaori broke in. “It was the night that you were working on your wall.”
Nagayan thought things couldn’t have gotten worse, but once again, he found out how wrong he was. “Y-you saw me working on the wall?” he whispered.
It had taken Nagayan a while to understand the true symbolic depth of the newest addition to his wall. If Tuti had any bit of wit about him, as Nagayan knew he did, he would have been able to figure out the hidden meaning to the image. Nagayan knew that he had made it pretty obvious, and now he was regretting it. A gradient was used for the painted body with a stark black staining the toes and a brilliant yellow coloring the fingers that reached for the sun. It symbolized a rebirth with the sun slowly dragging him out of the depths of who he had been in the past year. It was painfully private, and the significance of it was something that only he and Tuti would probably be able to piece together. Why had he added the floral pattern to the sun? He had even placed black handprints against the sun. It looked like the very picture of someone who had just reached out and happened to find himself in the presence something bright, cheerful, charismatic - all things that Tuti embodied.
“What did you see?” he asked, hoping against hope that Tuti had only caught the beginning part.
When Tuti’s eyes met his, they held an unnatural light in them. The wrinkle in Tuti’s brow and the ducking of his head were all signs of an unspoken apology. He shifted his weight and met Nagayan’s gaze briefly with a noncommittal shrug.
“My room is private,” Nagayan said tightly. Pausing, he gave Tuti a pointed stare, the look as cold and poisonous as the tone in his voice. “I’m asking you how much you saw.”
“Enough,” Tuti replied, his voice quiet and completely serious.
Tuti’s response confirmed all of the fears that Nagayan was trying to suppress, and the realization set in. “Oh, God,” he uttered, eyes widening with a raw look of desperation. He could tell that they were getting glassy; he had to get out of there. “Kaori, we’re going home, now.”
“Please, don’t run,” Tuti begged. “We need to talk about things.”
Nagayan turned his back on Tuti wordlessly and began walking.
Letting out a frustrated growl, Tuti warned, “I’ll follow you home.” Putting his long stride to use, he easily caught up with Kaori and Nagayan. “I will follow you until you talk to me.”
“Why!? Why are you doing this to me?”
“I … want things to be good between us again.”
Shaking his head, Nagayan continued his torturous walk. “I don’t think they can ever be that way again. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry about what?”
“That I ruined it.”
“What?!” cried Tuti, shaking his head. “That’s not it at all.”
“It’d be better for you to go back to your life,” he dismissed. Quickening his pace, he pulled Kaori along, forcing her into a light jog to keep up.
“Will you just talk to me?”
“Go, and forget everything you’ve seen,” he said not bothering to look at the actor.
“Goddamnit!” Tuti cursed.
“Watch your language around Kaori,” Nagayan warned.
“Then talk to me!” he cried, his eyes flashing angrily.
Nagayan noticed the signs of anger from Tuti - the reddening of his face, the flaring of his nostrils, and the clenching of his hands - but just felt too worn to respond to it. Instead, Nagayan felt himself shut down emotionally. His eyes darkened, but his face flamed with humiliation. Lips pursed, he stayed tight-lipped as he walked. And true to his word, Tuti followed them the whole way back to their home.
Nagayan pulled out the house key and unlocked the door. “Kaori,” he said. “Go upstairs to your room and close the door.”
After looking at the emotions that were present on both Tuti and Nagayan’s faces, she obeyed without another word.
Nagayan shut the front door again. “You wanted to talk. What is it you have to say? You’re sorry for spying? That you find who I am repulsive? What is so important that you have to say it?” The string of questions started out quietly but built with emotion, rising in volume. Although he was trying to focus on anger and outrage, Nagayan felt moisture gathering in his eyes. He forcefully swallowed the uncomfortable lump that was developing in his throat.
“Takashi, are you okay?”
With the use of his familiar name, Nagayan snapped. “There you go, saying my name as if you know me!”
“I do know you.”
“You really don’t,” Nagayan informed him with a shake of his head.
“Then let me know you.”
He shook his head. “No.”
“No?” Tuti asked incredulously.
“I really have nothing more to say to you.” Nagayan opened the door and stepped into the house. As he turned to shut the door, he found it catching a resistance on Tuti’s hand.
“Owowow-!” Tuti exclaimed grimacing.
“Get your hand out of there before I crush it,” Nagayan said, putting more pressure on the door.
“No!” Tuti retorted stubbornly. “Break it if you want.”
Nagayan hesitated, and Tuti took that pause to use his other hand to pry the door wider, pushing in past Nagayan.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Nagayan asked as Tuti shut and locked the door behind him.
“You wouldn’t answer my calls.”
“I was embarrassed, what did you expect me to say? Sorry for throwing up on you. Sorry for…” his sentence trailed off, as his cheeks flushed.
“I thought you’d use it as an excuse to tell me that I needed to buy new clothing,” Tuti said gently.
Nagayan lips curved into a little smile at the reminder of the familiar running joke between the two of them. But it soon disappeared, as the gravity of the situation hit him again.
“Takashi?” Tuti asked.
“There you go again, saying my name as if you know me.” This time, however, there was no heated anger in his voice. It sounded forlorn, defeated.
“I do, and I want to continue to keep on getting to know you.”
“I don’t think I can do that, not after... what happened at the bar.”
“Look past it. There was so much good between us, and there’s still so much more that’s waiting to develop.” Tuti stumbled with his words, seemingly puzzled at how he wanted to say things.
Nagayan used the pause to state his case. “I - you were never supposed to know. I never wanted to show you my ugly side.”
“There isn’t a part of you that’s ugly,” Tuti insisted.
“I’m not sure that I can ever face you in the same way, knowing that you know… and that I…” He didn’t have the strength to vocalize the words that filled in those blanks, but he thought them. ‘Knowing that you know that I have feelings for you.’
Something sparked in Tuti’s eyes, as he stopped thinking and started acting on instinct. “What can I do to make you feel comfortable again? What can I do to convince you of what I want to say but can’t find the right way to?”
To Nagayan the last statement sounded more like a question that Tuti was asking himself rather than something that the actor was trying to express to him.
Nagayan was taken aback as Tuti suddenly stepped closer, pulling the two of them close together. Without a hesitating, Tuti pressed his lips against Nagayan’s and wrapped his arms around Nagayan’s body, as if trying to convey his feelings through that one sweet embrace.
The feel of Tuti’s lips gently pressed against his sent a warm rush through Nagayan that momentarily stole his motor skills, leaving him stupefied. However, denial and pessimism soon rushed through his body, and he turned his head abruptly away from Tuti. Using both arms as a wedge, he shoved against Tuti’s chest, sending the other man stumbling back.
“What is this?” Nagayan spat. “Your idea of a sick joke?”
“No,” Tuti insisted.
“I don’t like my emotions to be toyed with.”
“Takashi,” Tuti said. “I’m being completely serious, but I’m not sure what it’ll take for you to believe me.”
Nagayan hesitated, afraid to trust Tuti’s words. Words had lied and betrayed him before, so instead he took the chance to study Tuti’s face. Honesty, sincerity, and a need that Nagayan had recognized in his own eyes so many times before radiated from Tuti’s contrite face. Hope blossomed inside of him.
“Then …” he started weakly. “This could be for real? You and me?” Tongue wetting his lower lip in nervously, Nagayan looked up in order to glean confirmation from Tuti.
“I think it already is,” Tuti said, pulling Nagayan into his arms once more. His embrace was warm and supporting. “And you can’t convince me otherwise.”
For the first time in a long time, Nagayan let down his defenses, relaxed in Tuti’s arms, and just let himself believe.
TBC
Alrighty, I guess I can say part 1 (aka the get together) of the fic is done. Next up is the calm before the inevitable storm… Wish me luck as I piece together the next part of this fic!