What satisfies?
I keep flipflopping about South Africa.
I want to go, but I don't want to leave and then have to re-find my place back at school. I also don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life. But am I already past the point where it even matters? I'll be paying forever anyway...
But I just really want to see Jess and everyone graduate, too.
What's most important?
I seem to always think it's accomplishments. So is getting an African concentration to my political science major what should happen? Or is it staying on campus with some of my best friends, whom I want to see go...
I may never see many of them again, you know? People don't keep in touch. The only reason I see people from high school is because we all have to come home. For now.
Why can't I do it all? Why can't I trust that people won't forget me?
I keep telling myself I'll travel after I graduate. But THAT'S when I'll have to deal with all this debt, so I'm not so sure that's true.
I wish I could flash forward and see my life. I hope it's decent.
An interesting talk about orgasms with a friend today sparked a saying that haunts me:
"Every woman has the love life that she wants"
Do I really want this lonely, non-existant love life? I fear so, because it's easiest. I want more, but more DOES terrify me. It's not like I've had bad experiences with love, per say, but I've been burned. I also hate having to worry about others. That's when people give up what they want, make unreasonable sacrifices, do stupid stupid things. I HATE that.
I think I should stay.