EP3x2
Went and saw it again tonight with Eve and my family. Just as fucking rocking as ever. Only this time I think I was the only one who laughed when his legs got cut off. Though, the whole damn thing was still sad. and totally awesome. And fucking shit if we didn't want to kidnap Obi Wan and have our way with him. And maybe we'd take Anakin, too. shit.
If I were going to die, that's the way I want to leave this Earthly realm.
Ok, Eric, write this down, for this is how we're going to die:
1)First we need some killing stuff like swords and guns. Nothing fancy. Ok, scratch that. Our initial weapons will be ridiculously complex and awesome.
2)Kickass clothing which include disgustingly AWESOME boots. Boots are a must. This cannot be argued.
3)Find scary, loud place to fight. Must be messy, and dangerous. With lots of shit to use as weapons, and even more shit to break.
4)Our final melee battle must be preceded with a car chase and lots of swearing. 'Cuz none of those pansies in SW had any good insults.
5)Fight to death. or dismemberment and/or utter humiliation.
Sounds good, huh?
So I was thinking we get some battleaxes and dress up like the vampires in the Lost Boys and let the insults fly. We'll begin on the internet as we usually do, setting up a time. You get your battle axe off of EBay as I will, and after the three weeks it takes to get the bitch to send it to us, we put our clothes on and drive to each other's house to duel. Of course, we miss each other and the other's mom says we went to the other's house. So we drive back and miss each other again. Then we get pissed. I sit down and play games and wait for you to get home from work and call me at home.
I'll be like,"What the shit? I tried coming over to kill you but your mom said you had come over to kill me, and then you weren't here? Where'd you go? I got my axe."
And then we decide to take the Batmobile to Barstow, 'cuz that's the scariest plac we can think of to kill each other. But then we decide that we need some cameras to document such an epic battle. So we call Eve up and she says we're gay, and Ben says we're fucking stupid assholes, and so we take my sister instead. Then off we go to Barstow. So 8 or so hours pass and we make it. Then we remember Barstow is really shitty and I yell at you for making a stupid decision and agree with both Ben and Eve that it was a stupid idea. You get out of the car. Apparently we've parked in front of a warehouse in the middle of the desert on the outskirts of town. I tell Rhiannon to start the camera as I unsheath my sword. Then we fight a glorious fight. And ye it will be good.
We break all sorts of boxes and shit and kicks to the groin will be caught on film and sent into America's Funniest Home Videos. And my dismemberments will be spread across the internet on sites like Rotten.com. And somehow we'll make sure the warehouse catches on fire while we are trapped within. I think it's because you start shooting at me. And then we go back to melee, the best kind of fighting. And we'll fight while on ladders, and on catwalks, 50 feet above the ground, while Rhiannon is getting real close to the fire trying to get us on film. And so many insults will be flung, the most creative and vulgar of them probably spewing from your sewer, while you swing at me while nearly losing your balance on the rickety catwalk, and then you'll hear me say something obscene, and that's what will befuddle you and make you lose your balance, falling 50 feet to the ground on a pile of bricks. And you'll be glad those bricks are there. Because you're dumb like that.
I'll rush down to find you lying in a pile of crap and you'll say, "Why'd you say that? It made no sense. You made me fall. I hate you."
And I'll laugh, and then the beam you fell off of will crush my spine, and then I'll fall forward, my sword slicing your skull open. and Rhiannon will make millions by selling it to people, and then people will make up some huge story about what happened and it'll become a legend, and then they'll make movies and shirts and songs and it'll be awesome. But we'll be dead so it don't matter.
But that's kind of how I want to die. All cool like that. However, should I live, I want robotic arms. With like...water guns and plasma rifles and grappling hooks that shoot out, and then I can shoot them at people and pull their kidneys out n shit.
"BITCH I SAID VENTE CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO!!"!!"
and you'll have like..a new metal skull cuz I broke your old one, and then we can like...rule the earth and kill people and shit. ANd you can shoot lasers from your eyes and youll eat metal chains like licorice. and you'll get all teh bitches. and me too cuz my arms are all metallic. I aint gonna get no prosthetic garbage like those pussies get. All metal. With wires and complicated lookin stuff. and I'll have bluetooth capability.
If I were going to die, that's the way I want to leave this Earthly realm.
Ok, Eric, write this down, for this is how we're going to die:
1)First we need some killing stuff like swords and guns. Nothing fancy. Ok, scratch that. Our initial weapons will be ridiculously complex and awesome.
2)Kickass clothing which include disgustingly AWESOME boots. Boots are a must. This cannot be argued.
3)Find scary, loud place to fight. Must be messy, and dangerous. With lots of shit to use as weapons, and even more shit to break.
4)Our final melee battle must be preceded with a car chase and lots of swearing. 'Cuz none of those pansies in SW had any good insults.
5)Fight to death. or dismemberment and/or utter humiliation.
Sounds good, huh?
So I was thinking we get some battleaxes and dress up like the vampires in the Lost Boys and let the insults fly. We'll begin on the internet as we usually do, setting up a time. You get your battle axe off of EBay as I will, and after the three weeks it takes to get the bitch to send it to us, we put our clothes on and drive to each other's house to duel. Of course, we miss each other and the other's mom says we went to the other's house. So we drive back and miss each other again. Then we get pissed. I sit down and play games and wait for you to get home from work and call me at home.
I'll be like,"What the shit? I tried coming over to kill you but your mom said you had come over to kill me, and then you weren't here? Where'd you go? I got my axe."
And then we decide to take the Batmobile to Barstow, 'cuz that's the scariest plac we can think of to kill each other. But then we decide that we need some cameras to document such an epic battle. So we call Eve up and she says we're gay, and Ben says we're fucking stupid assholes, and so we take my sister instead. Then off we go to Barstow. So 8 or so hours pass and we make it. Then we remember Barstow is really shitty and I yell at you for making a stupid decision and agree with both Ben and Eve that it was a stupid idea. You get out of the car. Apparently we've parked in front of a warehouse in the middle of the desert on the outskirts of town. I tell Rhiannon to start the camera as I unsheath my sword. Then we fight a glorious fight. And ye it will be good.
We break all sorts of boxes and shit and kicks to the groin will be caught on film and sent into America's Funniest Home Videos. And my dismemberments will be spread across the internet on sites like Rotten.com. And somehow we'll make sure the warehouse catches on fire while we are trapped within. I think it's because you start shooting at me. And then we go back to melee, the best kind of fighting. And we'll fight while on ladders, and on catwalks, 50 feet above the ground, while Rhiannon is getting real close to the fire trying to get us on film. And so many insults will be flung, the most creative and vulgar of them probably spewing from your sewer, while you swing at me while nearly losing your balance on the rickety catwalk, and then you'll hear me say something obscene, and that's what will befuddle you and make you lose your balance, falling 50 feet to the ground on a pile of bricks. And you'll be glad those bricks are there. Because you're dumb like that.
I'll rush down to find you lying in a pile of crap and you'll say, "Why'd you say that? It made no sense. You made me fall. I hate you."
And I'll laugh, and then the beam you fell off of will crush my spine, and then I'll fall forward, my sword slicing your skull open. and Rhiannon will make millions by selling it to people, and then people will make up some huge story about what happened and it'll become a legend, and then they'll make movies and shirts and songs and it'll be awesome. But we'll be dead so it don't matter.
But that's kind of how I want to die. All cool like that. However, should I live, I want robotic arms. With like...water guns and plasma rifles and grappling hooks that shoot out, and then I can shoot them at people and pull their kidneys out n shit.
"BITCH I SAID VENTE CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO!!"!!"
and you'll have like..a new metal skull cuz I broke your old one, and then we can like...rule the earth and kill people and shit. ANd you can shoot lasers from your eyes and youll eat metal chains like licorice. and you'll get all teh bitches. and me too cuz my arms are all metallic. I aint gonna get no prosthetic garbage like those pussies get. All metal. With wires and complicated lookin stuff. and I'll have bluetooth capability.