update on the life of shana
so i'm sitting in american journalism and i'm obviously quite bored.
things have been ok. i've been having a lot of fun but there's always that underlying fact that we are not together. so many people tell me to move on, that i deserve better, and all this shit. i do not want to do any of that. i know i can't let him and this dictate my life but i also am not ready to just give up completely. i have been having so much fun and i know thats what i need to do. i'm not going to pursue anyone/anything else but i'm also not completely anti-anything you know. there's just so much going on in my head, and my biggest obstacle right now is to just make sure that he and i will still remain best friends just like we have been for the last decade. we're getting there. and i know its gonna be hard as hell. and it might take longer than i'd even like to think of, but it will be fine. that i am sure of.
i went home this weekend and it was seriously really good. my weekends have been really good in general lately. two weekends ago, kayleigh and i flew to virginia and went to busch gardens for the weekend, last weekend i went with kay to her friend bri's school and basically drank all weekend. and by drinking, i dont mean casual. i mean..i had approx. 20 beers on sat. and dont remember a lot. like calling my best friends. (speaking of which, liz said she is saving my message so i can hear it when she comes home, and that i will be mortified, so she says) and then this weekend i went home, like i said and just relaxed, which is just what i needed. i went to ryan's game, shopped with my mom, obviously went and saw the goehringer's and go some cuteee pictures of them. hung out with laura, lunch with ash and just relaxed. it was really good. next weekend is the TEN show and im literally so freaking excited. and a visit to liz and phil are in the plans as well.
point of all this is, i am still having fun. and i've come to the point where i know i do not need him to survive. i'm past that point. but i do know that i'd sure as hell like him by my side. we will see.
me and ash went out to lunch on sunday before i came back to school. and it was really nice, we dont get to hang out nearly as much as i'd like and i havent seen her since everything's happened with tom, so needless to say we talked about it a lot at lunch. i cried, inevitably, and along with a ton of other things, she said something that really like..hit me. hard. she said:
"shan. it's going to suck, im not going to sugarcoat it. but if you want my honest opinion, then you need to know that this is going to either end up one of two ways for the two of you. either you two will be really really close friends or you will end up back together in the end. i really don' t think you two will ever be strangers to one another."
that really hit me and i really do think she is right. at this point, as long as i still have him as a best friend then i will be good. and i have to be the strong one right now since he's obviously slacking. i can't make myself give up because everytime i want to, i just think, "if you suck it up now, then a year from now you could be looking back at this as the best thing to ever happen to you and him." and granted, thats fucking hard for me to even fathom right now, but if i suck it up for now, then maybe (hopefully) he will realize how good we had/have it and come back. and if that does happen, the only person to thank for that will be myself. for still being there. trust me, theres been plenty of times where i just want to say fuck him, i dont care if i ever talk to him, he's hurt me so bad. but i can't. and i think that goes to show something. all i know, is that he has my heart and i really don't see that changing anytime soon. i feel like the first big test will be when we see each other, which will hopefully be thanksgivingg. so we'll see how that goes. wish me luck.
i know i sound depressing and annoying but you know what, you dont have to read this.
as for this weekend, i willl be seeing another love of my life (sergioooo) and perhaps i'll make some movessss. hahahah. word on the street is that he shaved his head, and i kind of think that's hot.
(the few of you who are actually reading this have probably already heard me ramble constantly about this, so for that, i apologize.)
things have been ok. i've been having a lot of fun but there's always that underlying fact that we are not together. so many people tell me to move on, that i deserve better, and all this shit. i do not want to do any of that. i know i can't let him and this dictate my life but i also am not ready to just give up completely. i have been having so much fun and i know thats what i need to do. i'm not going to pursue anyone/anything else but i'm also not completely anti-anything you know. there's just so much going on in my head, and my biggest obstacle right now is to just make sure that he and i will still remain best friends just like we have been for the last decade. we're getting there. and i know its gonna be hard as hell. and it might take longer than i'd even like to think of, but it will be fine. that i am sure of.
i went home this weekend and it was seriously really good. my weekends have been really good in general lately. two weekends ago, kayleigh and i flew to virginia and went to busch gardens for the weekend, last weekend i went with kay to her friend bri's school and basically drank all weekend. and by drinking, i dont mean casual. i mean..i had approx. 20 beers on sat. and dont remember a lot. like calling my best friends. (speaking of which, liz said she is saving my message so i can hear it when she comes home, and that i will be mortified, so she says) and then this weekend i went home, like i said and just relaxed, which is just what i needed. i went to ryan's game, shopped with my mom, obviously went and saw the goehringer's and go some cuteee pictures of them. hung out with laura, lunch with ash and just relaxed. it was really good. next weekend is the TEN show and im literally so freaking excited. and a visit to liz and phil are in the plans as well.
point of all this is, i am still having fun. and i've come to the point where i know i do not need him to survive. i'm past that point. but i do know that i'd sure as hell like him by my side. we will see.
me and ash went out to lunch on sunday before i came back to school. and it was really nice, we dont get to hang out nearly as much as i'd like and i havent seen her since everything's happened with tom, so needless to say we talked about it a lot at lunch. i cried, inevitably, and along with a ton of other things, she said something that really like..hit me. hard. she said:
"shan. it's going to suck, im not going to sugarcoat it. but if you want my honest opinion, then you need to know that this is going to either end up one of two ways for the two of you. either you two will be really really close friends or you will end up back together in the end. i really don' t think you two will ever be strangers to one another."
that really hit me and i really do think she is right. at this point, as long as i still have him as a best friend then i will be good. and i have to be the strong one right now since he's obviously slacking. i can't make myself give up because everytime i want to, i just think, "if you suck it up now, then a year from now you could be looking back at this as the best thing to ever happen to you and him." and granted, thats fucking hard for me to even fathom right now, but if i suck it up for now, then maybe (hopefully) he will realize how good we had/have it and come back. and if that does happen, the only person to thank for that will be myself. for still being there. trust me, theres been plenty of times where i just want to say fuck him, i dont care if i ever talk to him, he's hurt me so bad. but i can't. and i think that goes to show something. all i know, is that he has my heart and i really don't see that changing anytime soon. i feel like the first big test will be when we see each other, which will hopefully be thanksgivingg. so we'll see how that goes. wish me luck.
i know i sound depressing and annoying but you know what, you dont have to read this.
as for this weekend, i willl be seeing another love of my life (sergioooo) and perhaps i'll make some movessss. hahahah. word on the street is that he shaved his head, and i kind of think that's hot.
(the few of you who are actually reading this have probably already heard me ramble constantly about this, so for that, i apologize.)