Howl
Title: Howl
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: YeKyu (Yesung x Kyuhyun)
Rating: R
Genre(s): Romance (?), Angst (?)
Summary: What we all look for is someone who needs us so deeply and desperately that they are constantly on the brink of losing their sanity. After all, isn’t that what love is?
Warnings: Mild smut, unhealthy relationships and passive!Kyu. Not exactly Valentines Day material tbh.
A/N; Written for kyusungcentral for Valentine's Day.
***
The moon is nowhere in sight.
Kyuhyun walks out of his room after a long session of gaming and sees Jongwoon sitting on the couch, deep in thought. Kyuhyun stands in the doorway and watches him for a while, staring the frown that creates a crease in Jongwoon's forehead, wishing that he could touch it and smooth it out. When Jongwoon shuffles, Kyuhyun realizes that he has been staring for a tad bit too long. He heads to the kitchen to grab two cans of beer from the fridge, and walks back to the living room. He hands one can to Jongwoon, who looks at Kyuhyun with widened eyes. He didn't even seem to realize that Kyuhyun had left his room, and has been unaware that he wasn't alone the whole time he was sitting there and staring into space.
Kyuhyun chuckles and flops himself down on the sofa next to Jongwoon.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Do you think…it's possible to be in love with someone who isn't a girl, but not be gay per se?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I keep having these dreams…of you. But I'm not gay. It's just…I think I love you."
"What?"
Kyuhyun frowns as he processes what Jongwoon had just said. Surprisingly, part of him is giddy at the idea that Jongwoon dreams of him at night, but part of him is speechless and doesn't know what to say. But before he can respond, Jongwoon is leaning over and kissing him with a tenderness that he never knew the other possessed, seducing Kyuhyun slowly and softly with his lips. A hand strokes along Kyuhyun's arm soothingly.
"I…love you. At least, I think I do. I love your smile, your witty sarcasm, the way you look out for me. I don’t feel like this with anyone else."
Jongwoon trails kisses along Kyuhyun's jaw and down his neck. And Kyuhyun gasps a little as Jongwoon nips his collarbone gently and then sucks on it. In the back of his head, he wonders if Jongwoon is marking that Kyuhyun is his.
Kyuhyun doesn't stop and think about his own feelings or about the things that are happening. He is taken away by Jongwoon’s show of love and tenderness. But the way Jongwoon makes him feel…surely it can't be wrong. Surely Kyuhyun wants this too.
He feels so precious, and Jongwoon roams his hands all over Kyuhyun so gently, and in a way that makes Kyuhyun feel like he's floating on clouds in the sky.
"You're mine, Cho Kyuhyun."
Kyuhyun decides to just go along with whatever their relationship has just evolved into.
***
There is a waxing crescent moon hanging in the dark blue night.
Kyuhyun looks at Jongwoon warily. Jongwoon sits on Kyuhyun's bed and watches him. Kyuhyun can't help but take a gulp. There's a glint in Jongwoon's eyes, and Kyuhyun feels adrenaline course through his veins.
It's strange - when their relationship, or whatever it is between the two of them, began, Kyuhyun had never anticipated the amount of mood swings that Jongwoon would have.
There would be times when Jongwoon would make love to him so tenderly that it was as if Kyuhyun was made of glass, easily shattered if he is even just a little too rough. And sometimes after they had sex, after they had gotten all the hormones to calm down slightly, Jongwoon would admit that he's always worried that he would wake up and find out that this bliss has always been a dream. Jongwoon confesses that he's worried that he will touch Kyuhyun and Kyuhyun would just simply fade into smoke.
But then there would be times when Jongwoon would be so fierce with Kyuhyun that he wonders if Jongwoon has a bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. There would be times when Jongwoon would demand things, being so pushy that it makes Kyuhyun cry out in pain. Even a simple kiss can sometimes draw blood.
Sometimes, Jongwoon will list out all the things about Kyuhyun that make him love him more, that drive him to the brink of desperation and longing, that make him wonder whether or not this is all a dream.
"You know, I was watching you today."
"I know, you were very obvious about it."
"I think I fell in love with you more - the way you laughed when Hyukjae told a joke, the way your eyes sparkled when you made eye-contact to me, that moment you leaned your head against my shoulder to take a nap…"
Soft, loving kisses would be placed on every part of Kyuhyun's body.
"Kyuhyun, do you know what you do to me? You drive me crazy."
"I…do?"
"You know how I wanted to let everyone know that you are mine? The way Siwon touched you, the way Ryeowook would hold your hand like it's the most natural thing to do, the way Sungmin openly flirts with you…they shouldn’t be allowed to do that. You’re mine. Everyone should know that. I hate it when you’re apart from me so long, miles and miles away from me in China, because it’s drives me insane to be without you."
Jongwoon would lash out and make Kyuhyun pay for allowing hands other than Jongwoon's to touch him. Although Kyuhyun doesn't like the pain, he would bite his tongue and endure it because it was Jongwoon who was doing these things to him. And the kisses, the ones that are unspoken apologies for the rough treatment, come afterwards and warm Kyuhyun's frozen heart. The tears that wet Kyuhyun’s skin break Kyuhyun’s heart, and he knows that he cannot bear to leave Jongwoon when Jongwoon so obviously needs him.
Sometimes, Jongwoon would trace his fingers along Kyuhyun's skin, as if he was trying to memorize every little detail about it, so lightly that sometimes Kyuhyun wondered if it was just all a figment of his imagination. And they would talk. They talk until the early dawn with only the moon eavesdropping on their hushed conversations about life and love.
And now, Kyuhyun stands in front of Jongwoon, who is looking up at him with dark, dilated eyes. Kyuhyun thinks that Jongwoon almost looks predatory, like a wolf, and he wonders what his wolf would have in store for him tonight.
Even though Jongwoon hurts him, Kyuhyun finds himself coming back time and time again. Kyuhyun knows that Jongwoon doesn't love him - he is just an obsession - but he finds that he doesn't care. Because Kyuhyun knows that this obsession, these mood swings and switching back and forth is the only way Jongwoon knows how to convey how much he needs Kyuhyun in his life to keep him grounded.
***
The moon emerges a little more as it becomes a half moon.
Kyuhyun is sitting on his bed, staring into space blankly as he tries to process the events that have happened in the day. The irony is not lost on him, as he realizes this is exactly how he found Jongwoon on the sofa so many weeks ago.
"Let's…put an end to this."
"What?"
"You don't need me, not the way I need you. And knowing that alone…drives me insane even if you stay by my side. I turn into an animal when you do certain things. It…makes me…I feel bad for hurting you. But I can't stop myself, not when I want to possess you so desperately. I love you so much, but you don't return that love. And we still have to work together with the others. I don’t want to make it weird or ruin the group dynamics. I…can’t be selfish."
Kyuhyun had stared, speechless.
"Let's just go back to the way things were."
Kyuhyun had felt part of him panicking, but he couldn't bring himself to admit that he has started to feel himself falling. He had just simply nodded dumbly - he didn't trust himself to open his mouth without begging Jongwoon to reconsider - and Jongwoon had walked away.
And now Kyuhyun sits on his bed staring out of his window into the dark night, and refuses to let the tears well up and fall.
He thinks that Jongwoon is being selfish - how could they possibly go back to their friendship from before? Kyuhyun doesn't think he can even just sit next to Jongwoon and not want those hands on him. Or know that Jongwoon is keeping a part of him locked away from Kyuhyun.
For the first time since that night that Jongwoon first kissed Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun finally understood what Jongwoon meant about loving someone but not necessarily have that define his sexual orientation.
Kyuhyun loves Jongwoon.
He doesn't think he can love anyone else - man or woman - the same way he loves Jongwoon. He doesn’t think he needs anyone - man or woman - the same way he needs Jongwoon.
But Kyuhyun has lost Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun hugs his knees, and rocks back and forth to soothe himself. It has taken him a while to acknowledge his developing feelings, but by the time he has, it is already too late. He lets a tear slip from his eye, and quickly wipes it off his cheek. The only witness to this show of heartbreak is the moon, who cleverly shrouds itself in the clouds.
And later in the night, as Kyuhyun closes his eyes and lets his own hands wander on his body, he pretends that Jongwoon is there beneath the blanket with him, taking back the words that he had thrown at Kyuhyun earlier this evening with kisses and murmured apologies.
***
The waxing gibbous moon becomes just a little fatter.
Kyuhyun watches Jongwoon with narrowed eyes as he tries to restrain his jealousy. Jongwoon is laughing, throwing his head back, and Kyuhyun doesn't remember seeing Jongwoon laugh with such abandon in months. There is a twinkle in his eye as he chuckles at something stupid that Donghae says, and Kyuhyun wants to drag Jongwoon away after punching Donghae's face. Donghae looks delighted with himself after Jongwoon laughs and ruffles his hair, and Kyuhyun's hand forms a fist.
He wonders if this is what Jongwoon felt like all those months ago. He feels so disgusted with himself for having such primitive urges, for having the urge to want to hurt Jongwoon for looking at someone other than Kyuhyun in such a way. He wants to lure Jongwoon, the passionate and angry one, out. He wants to feel the extent of Jongwoon's love for him, in any shape or form, be it pleasure or pain.
He wants to feel anything, anything other than the nonchalance. Jongwoon has an amazing skill at hiding his feelings - Kyuhyun wasn't prepared for how natural Jongwoon looked when he acknowledged Kyuhyun's presence. He had even joked around with Kyuhyun, and all Kyuhyun wanted to do was lock himself in a room and hate himself for being so weak, for being the only one who was and is affected by whatever their relationship, or lack thereof, has become.
When Donghae retreats to his dorm, Kyuhyun approaches Jongwoon. He is holding two beers in his hand, and he hands one to Jongwoon. Jongwoon raises his eyebrows in speculation, and Kyuhyun wonders if Jongwoon realizes that this is exactly where their relationship had started off.
Jongwoon sits and sips at his beer, and waits patiently for Kyuhyun to start speaking. Kyuhyun takes a deep breath.
"I think I know what you meant now, all those months ago."
"So?"
The look of contempt on Jongwoon's face freezes Kyuhyun, and he wonders what to do now. But having Jongwoon so close brings back all the memories. And before he knows it, Kyuhyun has grabbed the collar of Jongwoon's shirt and kisses him with a reckless abandon. One of the buttons is ripped off from the material, but neither of them hear the slight sound of plastic hitting the floor. Jongwoon pushes back into Kyuhyun, and the familiar feel of it brings Kyuhyun to the brink of desperation.
The scrape of Jongwoon's teeth on Kyuhyun's bottom lip draws blood, and the metallic taste fills Kyuhyun's mouth. But he refuses to give in, to stop, because he needs this.
But Jongwoon pushes him away, and suddenly Kyuhyun sees Jongwoon's eyes flare up in anger.
"How dare you."
Before Kyuhyun can respond, Jongwoon walks away and wipes at his mouth. Kyuhyun attempts to collect his thoughts.
But the only thing that is coherent in his brain, the one thought that makes any sense to Kyuhyun, is the thought that he wants to make Jongwoon his. At any cost.
And Kyuhyun grins as he thinks about the many ways to conduct this hunt of his.
***
There is a full moon tonight.
Kyuhyun walks across their living room barefooted, hyper aware of the soft carpet underneath his feet. He makes his way outside Jongwoon's room, and slowly opens the door. There is a gap between the curtains of his room, and a streak of moonlight falls upon Jongwoon's sleeping figure.
Kyuhyun walks softly and slowly, almost as if he is a predator who has just set sights on his prey. He grins as he realizes Jongwoon isn't wearing anything under his blanket other than his boxers. He gently climbs on the bed, careful not to wake Jongwoon up.
Jongwoon rustles slightly when the bed dips as Kyuhyun gets on it. He maneuvers himself on top of Jongwoon, and slowly lowers himself down. He grins, grateful for all the times that his trainer made him practice pushups and develop a strong control over his upper body strength, and bares his teeth to slowly scrapes them across Jongwoon's chest. His cock twitches slightly as Jongwoon murmurs in his sleep using that deep husky voice that he loves so much.
Kyuhyun alternates between pressing kisses and dragging his teeth along Jongwoon's skin before he leans in and bites. Crimson red starts surfacing, and Kyuhyun uses his tongue to soothe the pierced skin. He watches Jongwoon's eyelids flutter and open slowly. A sweet drowsy smile appears on Jongwoon's face and it tugs at Kyuhyun's heart.
"I was hoping you'd come back."
"You’ve been driving me crazy."
Jongwoon places his lips on Kyuhyun's forehead, and interlocks their fingers. Warmth spreads throughout Kyuhyun's body, and the overwhelming need that he had just a second ago feels like it's slowly ebbing away.
Then Jongwoon lifts his hips just a little and grinds against Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun can almost hear his heart pound against his chest.
"I love you."
"I know."
"It took me a while, I'm so sorry."
"It doesn't matter."
"I'm yours, Kim Jongwoon. And you're mine. You better not forget it."
Cries of desperation and short breathless pants rob both of them of the ability to talk more. And both of them know that there is plenty of time to talk when the sun rises.
It's a curse that falls on young lovers, lovers like him and Jongwoon. It had all started out so soft, so sweet. But somehow during the middle phases, things started to change and morph into something much darker and less innocent.
But as long as Jongwoon keeps making those sounds, those lovely deep husky sounds, Kyuhyun thinks that it doesn't matter as long as they are together.
The two of them keep their fingers interlocked until the dawn arrives.
***
The moon should be waning, should be becoming smaller and smaller as it becomes consumed by a new moon, but it doesn't. In fact, there have been people who argue that it looks bigger and brighter as the days go on.
A full moon decorates the skies every night, surrounded by specks of starlight. And two lovers love each other passionately, savoring each moment together, under the moonlight.
And in the far distance, you can almost hear the echoes of an animal as it howls into the night sky.
***
A/N: This was…a very surprising fic for me. Not that I don’t love it. But I tend to steer away from darker fics, and write cute cuddly fluffy fics where everyone is in love and they all live happily ever after and their relationships are the healthiest in the world. But yeah, I strongly recommend seeing a therapist for relationships such as the one in this fic.
The moon is used an extended metaphor in many, many ways in this fic. I know, I’m explaining it a bit too much, but I hope people don’t think about what it’s used for and then assume I’m just adding it in randomly. I tried with the literary aspect. I really did.
Happy Valentines Day! /gives you all my heart for reading this/
Comments will be appreciated :)
And many thanks to Naz for being an awesome beta! I know, my writing style is pretty abrupt and concise, but thanks for always being there and being supportive. You’re like my personal cheerleader.
p.s. The summary is a little sarcastic. I hope y’all pick up on that.