the state of my mess
So, that whole best friend thing has gone really poorly the past few months and weeks especially. I am fine with the job, not forever but for now it pays well and is easy, no stress, no effort. Last week I came home and cried and Paul asked me what was wrong when he knew what the problem was and for maybe the first time ever he let me cry he encouraged the crying and tears as a cathartic experience rather than do the guy thing and try to stop the crying. It was helpful. On other fronts some super cool ladies are in my life but for now that's all they are, I dont know if I want more "super friends" I mean after giving so much of yourself and trying to make something work I can't go through this again. I mean like in December I was crying because I was afraid she was leaving the state and now here I am crying 'cause she is in the state and all of 15 feet away from me physically but otherwise it's like she not even here except for the fact that she can still hurt me. I wish she would leave. and I dont wish it, 'cause I also wish things would work out. This is so petty and so irrational I don't cry over things like this, I mean TV commercial, maybe; movie, absolutely; but over a friend? I know I am stronger than this and honestly I know I am getting over it, it's just taking forever. Imagine you have a boyfriend / girlfriend that you were with for 3 years and then suddenly it's over and they have seemingly moved on and you still have to see them and work with them everyday? How do you deal? That's where I am. Even though my old job was kinda crappy and has gotten really bad since I left, at least I knew for a fact that everyday that I was there I would have a great time with a group of people that I loved. They made me laugh and cared what I thought and overall were great.