Before I reap
On July 1st, 2003, Turtlebrat was created.
It's funny reading the first few entries. Seems so sparkingly with energy and youth. Funny how subsequent entries seemed dull, jaded. If not at times delirious. Oh yeah, and the obsession about little girls and to sputter chinese all over the html.
For a start, I'm not Theodore Bagwell. *ahem*
4.5 years now. I've seen fellow LJers leave, break up, patch up, lead new lives, get hitched, self-destruct (not neccessary in that order). I myself got hitched too. Woohoo :) And yes, I'm a happy man.
Looking back, a lot of things happened. A lot. Perhaps, I should be thankful for that... yes, I am thankful. Pretty meaningless if I hold up a blank piece of paper and said, "Hey hey, that's 4.5 years of my life. Cool huh?"
Instead, I'm having difficulty holding up this piece of paper. Not quite sure if you know it's a piece of paper. It looks like it's been thru the toilet, stampeded upon...etc. You get the point. But it's not all that bleak. Oh look, there's a cute little bunny sticker with a smiley face on it.
I jest.
Not sure why, perhaps I am jaded. I feel silly writing down my thoughts 'coz it's incoherent most of the time. Took me close to 30 years to realize I'm a professional. Professional distractor. I distract myself. Games, fantasies, comics, porn, jotting down my thoughts and checking if others are reading, checking out other's (boobs) lives every other hour, chatting on IM, etc.
They are like a morphine jab. An escape.
Keeps my mind from thinking. You know that ringing sound you hear when you're a air-tight room? You just want to make some noise to make it go away. That's the feeling I have. I distract myself to keep myself thinking.
Perhaps I get a high from all these maybe.
But truth is, nothing happens after that.
The sun rises and sets. Another day passes and nothing I truly want is sowed.
What to hear something really strange?
Right now, I really would like, at least to start growing, a small tree for my family.
I guess that's what happens when you're turning 30. And married. And never knowing when some little brat will appear in this world taking your surname.
Horrifying really.
Given a choice between letting my kid wish he'll grow up faster so that he can hold the mouse and play that computer game his father's been playing all day; or to learn how to peel potatoes professionally like what his father does.
I choose the latter.
That being said, yes, it's goodbye for good really. I'm not coming back. I'm not really sure who or what I'm doing a goodbye too. But if you're reading, yeah.
Goodbye *wave happily*
Turtlebrat signing off.
It's funny reading the first few entries. Seems so sparkingly with energy and youth. Funny how subsequent entries seemed dull, jaded. If not at times delirious. Oh yeah, and the obsession about little girls and to sputter chinese all over the html.
For a start, I'm not Theodore Bagwell. *ahem*
4.5 years now. I've seen fellow LJers leave, break up, patch up, lead new lives, get hitched, self-destruct (not neccessary in that order). I myself got hitched too. Woohoo :) And yes, I'm a happy man.
Looking back, a lot of things happened. A lot. Perhaps, I should be thankful for that... yes, I am thankful. Pretty meaningless if I hold up a blank piece of paper and said, "Hey hey, that's 4.5 years of my life. Cool huh?"
Instead, I'm having difficulty holding up this piece of paper. Not quite sure if you know it's a piece of paper. It looks like it's been thru the toilet, stampeded upon...etc. You get the point. But it's not all that bleak. Oh look, there's a cute little bunny sticker with a smiley face on it.
I jest.
Not sure why, perhaps I am jaded. I feel silly writing down my thoughts 'coz it's incoherent most of the time. Took me close to 30 years to realize I'm a professional. Professional distractor. I distract myself. Games, fantasies, comics, porn, jotting down my thoughts and checking if others are reading, checking out other's (boobs) lives every other hour, chatting on IM, etc.
They are like a morphine jab. An escape.
Keeps my mind from thinking. You know that ringing sound you hear when you're a air-tight room? You just want to make some noise to make it go away. That's the feeling I have. I distract myself to keep myself thinking.
Perhaps I get a high from all these maybe.
But truth is, nothing happens after that.
The sun rises and sets. Another day passes and nothing I truly want is sowed.
What to hear something really strange?
Right now, I really would like, at least to start growing, a small tree for my family.
I guess that's what happens when you're turning 30. And married. And never knowing when some little brat will appear in this world taking your surname.
Horrifying really.
Given a choice between letting my kid wish he'll grow up faster so that he can hold the mouse and play that computer game his father's been playing all day; or to learn how to peel potatoes professionally like what his father does.
I choose the latter.
That being said, yes, it's goodbye for good really. I'm not coming back. I'm not really sure who or what I'm doing a goodbye too. But if you're reading, yeah.
Goodbye *wave happily*
Turtlebrat signing off.