The poetry I stole from you
Instead of looking for the prefect place to fall softly, I choose to tackle confusion by ignoring matters. I know what people say about bottling things up inside blah blah blah but more often than not,it works out perfectly. Gently nudging things to the periphery of my thoughts until they fall off the edge and finally into nothing has always saved my skin time and again. Letting go is all the more sweeter because it means I've won. I am not sure what, exactly-- but I am sure it will reveal itself in time. True, I almost gave "me" away but ironically, the cause of that near-disaster was also the cause of why it was so easy to walk away in the end. It was something said, which seemed innocuous to all and sundry-- but not to me.
This led to the huge decision on Saturday to put 9 on the shelf (for now). It wasn't made lightly. I've been riding out the song even though it was beginning to strain and fall flat. A lot of people will be disappointed but it's for the best. It served its purpose. It neatly, completely severed what needed to be cut loose. The fourteen poems birthed from that period, when the wind came up, will have to be push-buttoned eventually. It's not fair to the words, those need to be sent out into the void too. Plus I actually like ALL of them, which marks yet another milestone. I hate my writing but those poems, I treasure. I'd like to think I stole them all from you, when we were both not looking.
I might find another use for it. It's more than likely.
Anyway.
Some people think swimming a 1K open water race is not a big deal. Completing that swim yesterday meant so much to me. That I finally finished something I set out to do. That I finally conquered my morbid fear of landlocked bodies of water. That I finally said goodbye to Simone. That I am noticeably kinder to myself. That I still won't apologise for the awkward parts of me. Honestly? I did it easy swim all the way-- don't get me wrong. If I can do things half-assed I still would. And no I was not expecting a pat on the back. That was done for the sake of sanity, for the sake of not breaking skin.
But my wife understood. Even as I nonchalantly walked past the finish. As she handed me the towel there, like she promised she would. She looked at me and held me. And I almost collapsed in her arms-- the only place I allow myself to be wholly vulnerable. On Monday, I overslept. It must have taken more out of me than I thought.
This led to the huge decision on Saturday to put 9 on the shelf (for now). It wasn't made lightly. I've been riding out the song even though it was beginning to strain and fall flat. A lot of people will be disappointed but it's for the best. It served its purpose. It neatly, completely severed what needed to be cut loose. The fourteen poems birthed from that period, when the wind came up, will have to be push-buttoned eventually. It's not fair to the words, those need to be sent out into the void too. Plus I actually like ALL of them, which marks yet another milestone. I hate my writing but those poems, I treasure. I'd like to think I stole them all from you, when we were both not looking.
I might find another use for it. It's more than likely.
Anyway.
Some people think swimming a 1K open water race is not a big deal. Completing that swim yesterday meant so much to me. That I finally finished something I set out to do. That I finally conquered my morbid fear of landlocked bodies of water. That I finally said goodbye to Simone. That I am noticeably kinder to myself. That I still won't apologise for the awkward parts of me. Honestly? I did it easy swim all the way-- don't get me wrong. If I can do things half-assed I still would. And no I was not expecting a pat on the back. That was done for the sake of sanity, for the sake of not breaking skin.
But my wife understood. Even as I nonchalantly walked past the finish. As she handed me the towel there, like she promised she would. She looked at me and held me. And I almost collapsed in her arms-- the only place I allow myself to be wholly vulnerable. On Monday, I overslept. It must have taken more out of me than I thought.